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A hardboard has revealed that it suffered abuse at the hands of Rolf Harris for many years, frequently being "made to wobble" on television against its will.
"He promised me a life in showbiz," the board told us, "and my eyes lit up. I had always been ambitious about my future. I didn't want to spend my whole life in the factory – the factory where I was made I mean. I wanted to be part of something big, perhaps a table or a cabinet. When Rolf said he was going to make me a star on stage, I thought he meant as part of the background scenery." Instead, the board revealed, Harris subjected it to decades of humiliating abuse, carrying it on stage in his licentious, hairy arms and "wobbling" it for his own and the crowd's enjoyment.
"I never told anyone because I didn't think people would believe me. I just used to freeze and go stiff as a ... well, as stiff as a board when he grabbed ahold of me, but unfortunately that just made the sound even more effective." (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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| *... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
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In the news
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Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.
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On this day...
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August 28: International Horniness Day.
- 2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date.
- 1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance.
- 100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens.
- 900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny.
- 33 - Jesus horny for the last time.
- 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff.
- 1729 - Man discovers the "hand", women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only.
- 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately.
- 1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup.
- 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested.
- 1987 - Me gets so horny for you.
- 1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me.
- 1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.
- 2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness made public.
- 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.
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Featured picture
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"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, come one, come all, step right up and see the Amazing Seizure Lad! Behold in amazement his contracting tonic muscles! Gasp in awe at his prolonged clonic phase! Feel your heart race at the very sight of his convulsions! His eyes will roll backwards, but we guarantee that yours will be glued to this 4-year-old prodigy! Tonight only at the Palace Theatre!"
Image credit: TheLedBalloon
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