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Pyongyang, North Korea -- Dear people of the glorious Popular Republic of North Korea, it is with great regret and infinite sadness that your beloved Department of Propaganda wishes to inform you that our Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-il, passed away today. Our infinitely wise Emperor fell victim to an insidious heart attack due to an electrical hazard as he was changing the CD of his boombox while he was bathing in his 24 carat gold bathtub. No need to say that the CD player and all its extended family will be tortured and executed tomorrow in the downtown city square.
Witnesses who rushed to the scene at the sound of the high-pitched screams said that Kim Jong-il's ultimate vocal performance reminded them of a nightingale's melodious singing and that the Commander was as gracious in death as he had been his whole life. Our Dear Leader began to emit rose-scented smoke which engulfed the room with its magnificent aroma while his holy body was burning to a crisp.
His close guard witnessed in awe as a flock of white doves entered the room and transported the toasted saint in a flight toward the firmament to meet his father and former benevolent ruler of us all, Eternal President Kim Il-sung. Soon, tulip petals began raining from the heavens, and a general of our almighty army was hit by a falling set of gold teeth which formerly graced the mouth of our King. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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*... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
- ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
- ... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
- ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
- ... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
- ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
- ... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
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In the news
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"He ah-no give me ah-good coverage!"
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On this day...
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December 22: Dead Meme Appreciation Day
- 5000 BC(ish) - God plans to make perfect woman from an arm and a leg, Adam says "What can ya do with a rib?"
- 600 BC - YHWH creates woman - twice
- 0000 - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin
- 1000 - Spaghetti Monster creates sex.
- 1231 - God creates Vaginal cancer to spite Spaghetti Monster.
- 1337 - Counter-Strike is invented
- 1589 - Japan announces the release of the Hello Kitty Vibrator.
- 1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
- 1923 - LSD is first manufactured, diarrhea of epic solar proportions ensues.
- 1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo.
- 1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded
- 1974 - Gay men blame women for AIDS.
- 1989 - The end of the world as we know it. Surprisingly, most people are either indifferent or quite fine about the whole thing.
- 1989 - Pixies send Monkeys to Heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
- 1991 - Man loses his religion, but later finds he left it in the corner, silly man.
- 2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
- 2006 - World peace declared.
- 2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.
- 2012 - Everyone realizes they're not dead.
- 3434 - Vin Diesel is cloned from one of his last remaining pubic hairs, discovered in Margaret Thatcher's vagina.
- 5000 - Science descovers a "female orgasm", she was faking...
- 2111 - New form of moe discovered, turns out to be the same kind of popular moe anime at the time, but with more robotic titties.
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