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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Featured today, a long long time ago
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Did you know...
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- ... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)
- ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
- ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
- ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
- ... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
- ... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
- ... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
- ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
 - ... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
- ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
- ... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
- ... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
- ... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
- ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
- ... that you should invest in chicken stock?
 - ... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
- ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
- ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
- ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
- ... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 14: American π Day
- 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
- 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
- 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
- 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
- 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
- 2004 - The day Krabs fries
- 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
- 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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