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Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
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... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
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... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
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... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?

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In the news
Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season, choked away at the last moment • Jesus Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too UnNews – Radio Free Lunch
On this day...
April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day 1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria. 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan 1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater. 1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards. 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier. 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths. 1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...
Colonization of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us clear the ivy of crap, and plant the seeds of humour.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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