From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
| 2day's self-gloating
|
|
I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I knew the fat, jolly bastard would be arriving soon, and I would be waiting for him. I've been waiting for this moment for years ever since St. Dickolas gave me coal for Christmas four years in a row, despite my good behavior. I'll shove that stocking full of coal up his ass and show him how funny it is.
I was dozing off when I heard it. The sound I could recognize anywhere. The fat bastard's heavy stomps on my rooftop. It's showtime. I sprang up off of the couch and hid behind the Christmas tree. I stay there for a little bit when I hear a loud tumble and an audible "Ah, shit.. that hurt." The fat bastard had entered the point of no return. Of course the jolly prick went straight to the kitchen, where he helped himself to the milk and cookies I laid out. I put a small amount of laxative and LSD in the cookies. I'm also pretty sure he got into the liquor cabinet because I heard him say something about a "Mr. Jack Daniels," with glass clinking around. He laid the presents under the tree, I was so close to him I could smell the liquor and cookies on him. Somehow, he didn't see me.
Then he walks over to the stalking, I peek around the tree. I see the lump of coal in his hand.
No the fuck you don't. (Full article...)
|
| 2day...
|
|
December 21: Personal Hygiene Day
- 678 BC - Sodomy discovered in Greece.
- 677 BC - Death penalty instituted in Greece.
- 631 BC - The War of 1812 ends.
- 521 BC - Two slightly inebriated Mayans and a French guy come up with an ingenious way to scare the shit out of the future population of the Earth by the means of a calendar.
- 477 BC - Stinky Greek hobo Socrates roams the streets of fudge packing Athens, claiming he knows nothing. As a result, the goofy Greeks regard him as the greatest sage that ever lived.
- 322 BC - Megalo-maniac Alexander the Great turns out to be a regular fag. In a letter to Aristotle, he confesses that the smell of male toil 'turns him on'.
- 10 BC - Roman emporer Politemus IV invents the square wheel. Round wheels were outlawed under pain of death.
- 1500 - Middle Ages officially end; Europeans can finally start taking care of their personal hygiene little by little.
- 1939 Hitler invades France. After realising he would never make them wash he turned toward Russia
- 1967 The interrobang is discovered. The horrible revelation drives its discoverer instantly insane.
- 1979 Star Wars Episode XXXIV: The rising of Darth Leia comes to theaters
- 1982 - Sudan wins "Least Hygienic Country In The World Competition" for the first time. The African country has held the title ever since.
- 1984 - The first horseman of the apocalypse descended to herald the coming tribulations, but no one noticed apart from John Greeves, a homeless alcoholic from Brighton, England.
- 2000 - The bearded Taliban commanders state personal hygiene is against the will of God; in Afghanistan, pretty much the worst place ever.
- 2001 - UK prime minister Tony Blair is voted "Best Looking Twat" by the readers of Womans Realm magazine.
- 2004 - Barry Scott surpasses Batman as the Queen of Clean with Clitoris Bang.
- 2005 - Bermuda Triangle mysteriously disappears.
- 2006 - Personal hygiene forced upon France by new EU ruling. The French promptly withdraw from the EU. All traces of the bathtub are destroyed and the french quickly return to smelling of bad cheese and garlic. Celebratory riots last into the new year
- 2007 - Man discovers that the white stuff on your tongue causes your breath to smell like shit. The Government promptly forces everone to brush their tongues.
- 2012 - World Ends only to be repopulated seconds later.
- 2017 - Saw XVI is a deathday movie which kills anyone who watches
|
|
| Word of 2day
|
procrastination
Use it among your friends.
Gloating is power.
|
|
Around the world
|
"He ah-no give me ah-good coverage!"
|
| DidUKnow...
|
| *... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Uncyclopedia's sista projects
|
| Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects as well as some foreign language Uncyclopedias and Illogicopedia.
|
Uncyclopedia Languages
|
| This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 38,604 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages, including Pig Latin!
|
Uncyclopedia is made possible through contributions from readers like you.
All donations go toward the continuation of Uncyclopedia and its community of volunteer editors. If Uncyclopedia has ever made you laugh then we invite you to donate and help us pay for our expensive server(s). You can make all donations using your PayPal account or debit/credit card here. You can also support your local Uncyclopedia by purchasing merchandise from our merchandise store where 15% of all sales goes toward Uncyclopedia. If you cannot donate but still want to help Uncyclopedia monetarily, you can click some of the ads in our e-store to help us keep the rest of the site ad free.
Protected by the Fair Use Clause, and an elite clan of Clinjas.
