Associazione Sportiva Roma

The crumbly stadium, known as the Olympic Stadium after a failed attempt by hippies to move the games from Beijing

Associazione Sportiva Roma, commonly referred to as simply Roma!, is a professional Italian football club and constitutional monarchy based in Rome. The present King is Francesco VI of Totti.

Roman Empire, Julius Caesar and Gladiators are just some of the bullshit teachers tell you about Ancient Romans. But they got the start right. In 100BC two brothers, Romulus and Remus Totti wanted a monarchial sports team, but Remus wanted AS Rema Golf team. Romulus won which is good because it formed Roma! and because Golf is shit. Despite having the 400,000 seater Coliseum, Roma! got crowds of about 7. This is because the AS stood for Absolutely Shit and who wants to see an absolutely shit team? They aren't that bad either. Oh, yeah, Manchester United get good crowds but that's because England gets a lot of Japanese tourists. Nothing happened until 2003, when the new King Francesco VI of Totti turned the name to Roma! and the exclamation mark made them seem exciting and interesting.

Nicknames

Roma! have many nicknames given to them. These include Roobarb and Custard because of their bizarre kit, and Dirty Hooligans due to their fans. Another nickname because of their badge is Wolfuckers. Due to being a one-man team, Totti FC is another decent jab.

Kit and Badge

Dude that is sick!

Dye for the kits

Roma!'s famous badge shows two babies BJ-ing a wolf. This is a common practice in the city of Rome, and this has caused local wolves to run away. Originally the kit was quarters of pink, burberry, fluorescent yellow and broew. This changed when the box of shirts went to the sweet factory instead, and ended up covered in rhubarb and custard sweet mix. This was, to be said, a welcome change.

The King

The king was born without an arsehole, and finds it hard to poop

"Your majesty, this is a cruel, unusual and humiliating punishment"

Francesco VI of Totti is King and Captain of Roma, ascending in 2003, after the republic with Fabio Capello in charge failed. He is the only world class player the team has ever had and not even he can name the rest of the team. His Majesty is a talented Shakespearean actor, and sometimes gets his jobs mixed up. He falls to the floor as soon as slide tackles are made, and during a performance of Hamlet, headed the ball out of Hamlet's hand because he had Yorick's skull "in only one hand". Totti's other hobbies include making pizza, sniffing glue and rapping. His Majesty has no bum hole and that has led to problems with him having to suck his thumb to avert death through constipation. Francesco is a strict king with absolute control. When Vincenzo Montella missed an open goal v Livorno, Totti sent him on loan to Fulham. Very cruel indeed.

And The Rest...

• Simone Perotta: Actually Englishman Simon Potter, he tries to keep it secret, but ITV mention it EVERY FUCKIN' GAME!

• Daniel de Rossi:Savage midfielder who killed an American player at the World Cup. That's actually a quite good thing to do.

• Mirko Vucinic: A player with more passports than thinkable. As soon as he renewed his Yugoslavia one, it became Serbia & Montenegro, then Montenegro, then Montenegro Sponsored by Pepsi.

• John Arne Riise: Fat Norwegian who dyes his hair to match his kit. Gets free drinks in any pub in Chelsea.

• David Pizarro: Chilean midfielder (1.70 m tall). Yes. That's it.

• Alberto Aquilani: Typical Italian winger. Diving long haired puff who spends more time in defensive midfield. He recently defected to Liverpool and he never gets a game because he is a puff.

• Amantino Mancini: Brazilian winger who does a lot of stepovers. Even when he's not playing. Looks a bit of a Noob walking down the street. Will become President of Roma! if Francesco VI dies without an heir.

• Ludovic Giuly: Many still think he plays for Barcelona. Has fizzled away from the rest of the world for at least a couple of years.

• Christian Pannucci: Ripe old 43 year old who was at Chelsea before you were born and according to John Motson, he is the oldest person called Christian Pannucci to score at the Euros.

• Francesco Totti: The Almighty King of The Roma Empire. According to legend, he made Julius Caesar look like a pussy and a disgrace to Rome and killed him with a penalty to the face. Captain, king, dictator and just plain dumb

• Samuel Kuffour: Why he's allowed in Italy I don't know. His savage tackle for Ghana killed Italy's Vincenzo Iaquinta making them the only team to win World Cup without a full team.

• Pietro Pipolo and Massimialo Marsili: Every team needs alliteration huh? No one knows what they're like as players though.

• Cicinho: Would have added to his one Brazil cap if they had chosen to axe Cafu at least ten years after he went rubbish.

• Juan: Juan is his middle name. His first name is Mari and his surname is A. Mari Juan A. Part of Brazil's amazing 2006 World Cup Squad that scored 3 goals in 5 games and got crushed by France.

• Rodrigo Taddei: He plays for Brazil/Italy/Brazil/actually Mongolia/no probably Malawi/definitely Italy/I thought Brazil.

• Vincenzo Montella: Italian bra designer. Designed the team's kit because he is used to designing for women.

• Julio Baptista: Incredibly fat wrestler who "Baptista Bombs" other defenders. Used to play for Arsenal but was sacked for not being French.

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