“Mmmm, red car”
“Roberto Carlos is seven feet tall! He kills men by the hundreds. And if HE were here, he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arse.”
“He may have scored the impossible goal, but I've shagged his ma'”
“Didn't he sing this one song about shagging fat ladies?”
Roberto "Giggsy" Carlos, Born Hunter-Seeker Unit 7, is a former tank hunting android who was reprogrammed to be a footballer in 1996. By sheer coincidence, he looks like one of those Ferengi blokes from Star Trek. His life was the loose inspiration for My Left Foot
Biography[edit | edit source]
He was created in a Secret Russian Army Research Laboratory near the Canary Islands (where Tenerife is), from the Ecuatorian Zumbulù, designed as being a battle field attack bot that was programmed to destroy enemy tanks by puncturing their armoured hull with a kick from his nano programmed left leg. However, following the fall of the Soviet Union he was deemed surplus to requirements and thrown on a scrap pile. He was saved when a suspiciously large seagull (this is where the story gets a little incredulous) picked him up with it's...talons, yeah...and then dropped him into the mediterrenean sea, and he drifted onto the shores of Iberia, thus beginning his adventures. When he arrived in Almería, he began to take his first futbolistic steps. One day, his mainframe fused due to a lack of maintenance and he kicked a red ball with full force. By kicking the inside of the ball with the outside of his boot, he put a curve of 12.7 miles on it, and a speed of 3000 nots. A football trainer, Sven Goran-Eriksson, 'The Viking', grabbed Carlos upon seeing this and put him in a burlap sack before fleeing for Madrid. He was given £300k for his find, and Carlos was put up for sale in the Blackmarket. Despite interest from ETTA, Carlos was eventually bought by an Italiano Terrorist Organisation, I.N.T.E.R Milan (International Network of Terrorists Enterprise and Requisitions), for an alleged fee of £5 million, making him the sixth most expensive weapon of all time.
Despite his undoubted killing abilities, Roberto Carlos was sold on by I.N.T.E.R to fellow European Terrorist Organisation, Real Madrid, an anarchist group engulfed in a total war against neighbouring Catalanalanalan. Despite a kidnapping attempt by the eye patched general, Roman Abramovich, his commanding officer during his time in the Soviet Army, Carlos was retained by the Real Army of Madrid and won numerous impossible battles with his left foot, which can, according to Glenn Hoddle, "Open a can of worms". Fuck knows what he's on about.
Mutations[edit | edit source]
He can mutate into Gozilla, into a sheep, or into a normal looking person:
- GoDzilla:This mutation is only successful when the referee shows him the red card. At this point he bursts out of his skin, changes into the famous Japanese politician and slaughters everyone...including you.
- Sheep:He becomes a sheep when he walks into the Campigna française in
GermanyFrance for nobody notices him.
- Normal person:This mutation has never been used. Never.
- Chuck Norris:Likewise, this mutation is never used, because he can't roundhouse kick. Or grow facial hair.
- His left peg was modified by the Real army to extend up to 5 metres, allowing loger range anti-tank assaults.
Trivia[edit | edit source]
- He played the character Quark from Deep Space 9
- He has a self destruct program that is programmed to activate in 2067.
- Lost half his eye sight when an attempt by Paraguayan Assassin Jose Luis 'Fucking Nutcase' Chilavert to kill him resulted in a concealed plasma gun is his mouth firing a energy bolt into his left eye . He survived but his bionic eye was damaged beyond repair. Chilavert was subsequently torn apart by Carlos's left peg. He was repaired later in a tank factory in Basingstoke, and has sworn revenge.
- He Can use his left foot as a cannon, propelling round shaped objects at the speed of light these intentionally aim for faces