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Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived."
The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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 - ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
- ... that the police are at your door?
- ... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
- ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
- ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
- ... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)
- ... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
- ... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
- ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
- ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
- ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
- ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
- ... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
- ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
- ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
- ... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
- ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
- ... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
- ... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)
- ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
- ... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
- ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
- ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
- ... that I am inside your walls?
- ... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
- ... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 18: World Happiness Day
- 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
- 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
- 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
- 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
- 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
- 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
- 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
- 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
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