User:Iwillkillyou333/Archive 5
Welcome. This my talk page (no shit). Discuss whatever you like but please follow the rules.
Rules
- 1. No saying crap that doesnt make sense.
- 2. Do not be an ass
- 3. Be smart, not stupid.
- 4. If I placed your article on either VFD or QVFD and you get mad and want to say something horrible to me, don't even try. Cause I will likely bitch punch you.
More Serious Rules
- 5. No vandlism.
- 6. No flame wars.
- 7. If your filing a complaint, please keep a calm tone, and refrain from harsh critisim of me.
Violation of these three rules will result in me reporting you to an admin.
Even Serious Rules
- 8. Hot girls must be topless at all times
- 9. If you want to whore on my page please ask and don't demand, otherwise not only I will vote against it, i will reply with a very nasty comment.
- 10 You must NEVER mock Call of Duty: Black Ops or the name of it or anything that has to do with it. Ever.
Now that we tooken care of that, please enjoy!
Pie.[edit | edit source]
The question is, do I mean the baked food, or the piece of anatomy? Or something else entirely? Moulder over that for awhile... or don't, if you prefer. ~ 
05:36, 2 January 2011
- Baked food, of course. So what do I wins?--If you're 555 then I'm
05:40, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- A pie! Happy wednesday. ~
06:21, 2 January 2011
- Yay *eats pie* mmm mmmm, blue berry pie!--If you're 555 then I'm 06:38, January 2, 2011 (UTC)
- Yay *eats pie* mmm mmmm, blue berry pie!--If you're 555 then I'm
- A pie! Happy wednesday. ~
Roberto Durán ofrecer su agradecimiento[edit | edit source]
How 'bout I spam your talk page?[edit | edit source]
We're friends right? I'd do anything for you, and you'd do anything for me, right? If so, by any chance would you... Vote 
For. my article on VFH? It only needs three more votes before it has ten, which is about when articles get featured. So would you do that for me buddy? If you really like my article? Please? --
00:29, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
- Since you asked nicely, I shall do it.--If you're 555 then I'm 01:22, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
- Thank you. If there's anything you ever need, please just tell me. --
01:40, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
- Sure thing--If you're 555 then I'm 01:42, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
- *beams* -- 01:55, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
- *beams* --
- Sure thing--If you're 555 then I'm
- Thank you. If there's anything you ever need, please just tell me. --
UnSurvey: Genies[edit | edit source]
Restored to your userspace. Glad to be of service etc. etc. etc. Rabbi Techno 
kvetch 
Contribs 
FOXES 15:07, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
- Thank you very much.--If you're 555 then I'm 00:57, January 4, 2011 (UTC)
Disproportional representation[edit | edit source]
If you're not familiar with British electoral history, Old Sarum really had no human population, but still elected MPs. I was just theorizing about the possibility of the local animals proposing an elected member...thanks for the review though. Disproportional representation shouldn't be all caps in title as far as I can see as neither are proper nouns. Coronium 17:33, January 5, 2011 (UTC)
- Your very welcome. This is the first time I ever heard of Old Sarum, and since you put it that way then I'm quite fine with it. It's your article anyways. Hope to see this on VFH sometime in the future; you definitely got my vote. --If you're 555 then I'm 00:39, January 6, 2011 (UTC)
- 'Sa correct, you know. Only proper nouns should be capitalised in titles on a wiki, unless they're the start or it's an UnBook or something...
- Also, if you don't know what something is and you review an article on it, perhaps looking it up would be in order so that you actually have something to say? Scoring sections so lowly, and yet saying so vaguely and little as to why and what to do about it, though, just tends not to be that helpful, I've noticed. You could also say more about just how each bit came across to you as an outside observer, which you did some, and go into how the writer might be able to make it more accessible to foreigners... ~ Major Pleb Dame
GSA x2 • PS • FiyC • MD • Top3 x3 • Top10 • VFH x15 • VFP x3.5 • HoS • TAW • HMC • PEEING • PRS • PC • URC • ΥΣΣ • IC • ZB -- 17:43, 6 January, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Delivery![edit | edit source]
The Periodical That Is Too Sexy For Its Shirt, Among Other Things
Jan 6th, 2011 • Issue 102 • Just add Milk!
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Wiki Update
 So it would seem, considering Uncyclopedia has successfully staggered its way into a new year (and its 6th birthday on Janurary 5), that everything is working as it should; this raises the question, why? Well, we at the UnSignpost love a challenge, so we have investigated the salt mines of Uncyclopedia to see the VFD is working splendidly and has recently held a minor games purge. If you missed out, shame on you. Watched over by Sycamore, it is edited continuously by a few others who have been hitting the random page button in search of crap to rewrite for months, if not years now. Over on UnNews, SPIKE is also labouring in the place of UnNews grandmaster, the right honourable Zim ulator. Meanwhile on pee review, Lyrithya and Black flamingo11 have been shouldering more responsibility than they know what to do with, reviewing and checking the infernal tables and generally filling the void left by somebody trying in vain to get a life. Now for a quick moment on the forums.... that's that over with. Recent changes is also empty because Socky has stopped categorising absolutely everything and everyone else is.... writing. Romartus is still shattering hopes and dreams on VFH and we hope to be able to bring you this exact same piece of news next year. The admins are of course splitting their time between overseeing the whole process and abusing their powers for giggles. If you work like a dog for Uncyclopedia and you haven't been mentioned here, it's nothing personal; it's just From the desk of the Cabal:Compliance recommended for 2011
 It has not escaped the notice of the non-existent Cabal that Uncyclopedia has successfully survived another year, and the Cabal, of which there is none, orders all subjects to have a happy new year, or else. It would seem that you ignored our ruling of last year where we instructed you to comply at every opportunity and issued a decree banning drama. In 2010 we saw range blocks and epic ban sprees (to purge the ballot boxes and thus purify democracy), we witnessed mass deletions (necessary losses), we observed hundreds of forum topics declaring Wikia to be the worst (Wikia are to be obeyed despite this), we watched as you persecuted the weak, stubborn and female (to build the master race) and took note of your single success, that of closing the worst 100 reflections on 2010 before midnight on December 31st. This took you two years; it does not count. In short you have failed us again. So as 2010 fades into distant memory, we turn our eyes to 2011. We have the following advice: question nothing; you are meddling with powers you cannot possibly comprehend; remain indoors; do not attempt to remove the cameras from your dwelling they are for the protection of the community; drive safely; stay in school/work; shut the fuck up and go write an article; provide your bank details and PIN when asked. That is all citizens, you may now move freely about the complex. |
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Nominally Humane! some time Thursday, 09:56, Jan 6 2011 UTC
UFBI warning to users[edit | edit source]
Hi IWK, I think we discussed already in the past the usage of UFBI templates. I'd like you to avoid using that warning template, it doesn't contribute to the interaction with the users (other than the fact that I'd like non admins to refrain from threating other users). You can either ask them nicely or give them a hand (if they seem like they're salvageable) or place them on BP. You can also use the {{Oh Dear}} template. Thanks. ~
16:36, January 6, 2011 (UTC)
- Aye, it does tend to help more to actually say what they're doing badly and say how they can improve and/or point them in the direction of further reading that should help instead of threatening. Kind of like what Mordillo just did. ~ Major Pleb Dame
GSA x2 • PS • FiyC • MD • Top3 x3 • Top10 • VFH x15 • VFP x3.5 • HoS • TAW • HMC • PEEING • PRS • PC • URC • ΥΣΣ • IC • ZB -- 17:08, 6 January, 2011 (UTC)
GSA x2 • PS • FiyC • MD • Top3 x3 • Top10 • VFH x15 • VFP x3.5 • HoS • TAW • HMC • PEEING • PRS • PC • URC • ΥΣΣ • IC • ZB -- 17:08, 6 January, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, in the past you told me not to make rewrite templates. But if that's the way it has to be, then so be it, can't argue with you Mordillo (and not just because you have the banstick, which hardly imtimidates me anyways). I'm surprised it took you this long to say anything about it. But what if I altered it to just a friendly reminder? It would be better.--If you're 555 then I'm 01:51, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, in the past you told me not to make rewrite templates. But if that's the way it has to be, then so be it, can't argue with you Mordillo (and not just because you have the banstick, which hardly imtimidates me anyways). I'm surprised it took you this long to say anything about it. But what if I altered it to just a friendly reminder? It would be better.--If you're 555 then I'm
GSA x2 • PS • FiyC • MD • Top3 x3 • Top10 • VFH x15 • VFP x3.5 • HoS • TAW • HMC • PEEING • PRS • PC • URC • ΥΣΣ • IC • ZB -- 02:10, 7 January, 2011 (UTC)
- Be much easier to type in, as well as avoiding edit conflicts while writing a long paragraph.--If you're 555 then I'm 02:15, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
- You can always argue with me and I'll be happy to respond to any reasoning you have. With the specific one, I don't see the added value of using such a template, because you'll get much better results by explaining specifically what went wrong (again, only if you feel the user is salvageable). As for taking that long, you can imagine I do some other things around the site other than monitoring what you do or not do. I stumbled upon that template yesterday. ~
10:53, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
- You can always argue with me and I'll be happy to respond to any reasoning you have. With the specific one, I don't see the added value of using such a template, because you'll get much better results by explaining specifically what went wrong (again, only if you feel the user is salvageable). As for taking that long, you can imagine I do some other things around the site other than monitoring what you do or not do. I stumbled upon that template yesterday. ~
- Be much easier to type in, as well as avoiding edit conflicts while writing a long paragraph.--If you're 555 then I'm
Personally, I would like to get to the underlying problem. You and a few other newish users have taken it upon yourselves to be the Uncyclopedia border guards and to speak for the rest of us. Everyone appreciates the help with the policing, but--through templates and through leading with swears on VFD, you may be giving new users a first impression of hostility. So--rather than try to find ways to improve the UFBI template a little bit, to probe to see if Mordillo's directive is faulty through tardiness, and to defer to Mordillo but only because he might ban you--The solution is to become part of the process of welcoming new users and giving them guidance with the gentleness that some may require--as we are doing with you. This from someone who may have driven a couple people away from UnNews in the past months by demanding excellence too quickly. As said elsewhere, we never know which awful writer is going to suddenly blossom. Decide to be positive. Spıke ¬ 13:56 7-Jan-11
Hello[edit | edit source]
Thank you! very much for your vote on the writer of the year thing. What a nice gesture, I really appreciated that. I'm glad you were nommed for stuff too. I see Mordillo and Lyrithya are talking to you again. Did you know that they live together as man and wife, except when one of them has what they call "the urge" and goes to the street to take a lover? Iz true! Thanks again. Aleister 1:44 7 1 '11
- You're very welcome. It's great to be noticed, isn't it? And I did not know that, that's really interesting.--If you're 555 then I'm 01:47, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
- I notice you! And that stuff I said about Mordillo and Lyrithya, I was just making that up. They don't even know each other, as far as I can see. But the going to the street thing is true. Aleister 1:52 7 1 '11
- Yay! I'm noticed!--If you're 555 then I'm 01:54, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
- Yay! I'm noticed!--If you're 555 then I'm
- I notice you! And that stuff I said about Mordillo and Lyrithya, I was just making that up. They don't even know each other, as far as I can see. But the going to the street thing is true. Aleister 1:52 7 1 '11
GSA x2 • PS • FiyC • MD • Top3 x3 • Top10 • VFH x15 • VFP x3.5 • HoS • TAW • HMC • PEEING • PRS • PC • URC • ΥΣΣ • IC • ZB -- 02:11, 7 January, 2011 (UTC)
Pentetrator Perpetrator on VFD[edit | edit source]
I accept your retraction/apology on VFD. "Thinking before you react" is something no one can help you with. The duty to check the history before nominating is easier to achieve; the rules say you not only check it for too-new but check it for recent vandalism (not relevant in this case) and try to revert it to its best edition of the past. Spıke ¬ 03:20 7-Jan-11
- I'll remember that in the future, thanks for understanding--If you're 555 then I'm 03:51, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Delivery![edit | edit source]
Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!
Jan 13th, 2011 • Issue 103 • Leave to stand for 5 minutes before consuming
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Voting Frenzy
 It's that month again, the famous voting month when Uncyclopedians gather to air their opinions on the year that has been, user contributions or lack thereof and lots of other things. The difference between this and the continuous monthly evaluation normally going on is that now we have Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year to accompany our small selection of monthly awards/voting pages: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Of course it is the duty of every Uncyclopedian worth his/her salt to vote and have an opinion on each and every one of the above. Having no opinion is not an option; we can't afford such luxuries, not when the very fabric of our society hangs by a thread made entirely of voting pages. The UnSignpost has spoken to experts in voting patterns and strategies and they have instructed us to encourage each and every one of you to vote for whichever candidate you wouldn't like to not unwin again! It's that simple! A quick round up on our yearly awards: over on WotY Mhaille, Sog1970 and Aleister in Chains are slugging it out blow by blow for pole position. On UotY, some Spunk bubble has stormed ahead with Lyrithya in second place and all the other deserving candidates scrapping on the floor for... er scraps. The best articles of 2010 voting opens on the 15th of this month and will give the hardcore voters among you a chance to get stuck in again, but this time into people's articles rather than the people themselves. Regrettable, we know, but you can always nominate them for something next month. As the voting frenzy continues, the UnSignpost will continue to watch from a safe distance and will be on hand to comfort all the winners when they realise the best years of their lives have been spent essentially bailing out the Titanic with a small mug. The very worst of luck to everyone, and indeed everything, competing. Uncyclopedia is 6!
 It's true, it is. Six years of crawling around the back streets of the internet begging to anyone for cash/servers/food, regardless of how useful they may or may not be. That's right, everyone, you are aboard the good ship Uncyclopedia, the only wiki that has sails and a rudder and that's a fact. The UnSignpost won't be doing anything like making up poems or getting emotional and tender about Uncyclopedia growing a year older, since some people have already shown off what big girls they are by doing just that. A quick review of said poetry: Olipro thinks it's cool and manly to swear (it isn't and his poem sucks because of it), Mimo&maxus thinks it's cool to be like Olipro (it isn't and his poem sucks because of it), and neither of them are very good at poetry (this is true and their poetry sucks because of it). Happy birthday Uncyclopedia! At least we here at the UnSignpost did the manly thing of putting on a pink apron and baking you a cake. |
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Nominally Humane! some time Thursday, 03:15, Jan 13 2011 UTC
I didn't want...[edit | edit source]
...You to feel left out so I made you a tiny gif you can maybe use in a sig oneday, or I can help you, just ask! ~Formerly Annoying Crap 17:58, 19 January 2011
Do not attempt to adjust your set. This is the UnSignpost.[edit | edit source]
The edition that's black and white and dead all over
Jan 20th, 2011 • Issue 104 • Whatever happened to Wagon Wheels?
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PuppyOnTheRadio makes a discovery!
 Incredible, isn't it; we were pretty astounded ourselves... the UnSignpost actually has some news to report! Yes, everyone's favourite radio-fetishist canine has made the discovery of the This paper understands that the discovery occurred as PuppyOnTheRadio was sniffing spores, mould and fungus (as he does every Tuesday), when he accidentally sneezed mucus all over them. POTR then observed some remarkable effects as the So if you witness some huge game purges going on, do not be concerned; it's just the administrators cleaning up after POTR; needless to say they hate him for this. You all think about that before you next consider doing something useful; all you have to gain is the eternal hatred of every active administrator, although if you really want that, he has posted some ads looking for help. Also yes, this paper is aware that the image accompanying this story is of Sigmund Freud as opposed to a real scientist; this is not because we don't know who he is, but simply because POTR has issues. Facebook for a day
 Those of you who arrived at Uncyclopedia on the 16th of this month may have noticed that the main page looked like Facebook. We here at the UnSignpost certainly did; we were celebrating the inevitable salaries, dental plans and offices with swivel chairs that inevitably come with people who have money being in charge when Zombiebaron told us it was just a reskin, what a jerk. The page has received high praise from the community, especially those who were in it. The brains behind it (and we use the term brains loosely) were Zombiebaron and Lyrithya, who spent a great deal of their seemingly limitless free time working on it. This newspaper can only assume they were both living off other people's money and not paying tax at the time, because if they contributed anything to society then they would have been slumped in front of their TV's, miserable and alone, frittering away their time on earth like the rest of us. Did we mention that they are probably in the country illegally? As per this newspaper's policy of forgetting to ask people for quotes in case they say something worth writing, we have simply observed Lyrithya (from a safe distance) to find out her feelings on the reskin. Don't do this, for your own safety. All she does is eat Cheetos and whine. Zombiebaron has once again obliged us by simply saying "Zombiebaron" in response to any question our reporters ask. All joking aside, the reskin was superb and a lot of hard work went into its creation, and not just from the two users mentioned. Others were involved in some of the jokes, creativity and stuff. Check the reskin out in the main page history if you missed it, or you can check out all the main page reskins in the reskin archive. |
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~ 08:13, 20 January 2011
Forum:Rebirth of UnNews Audio[edit | edit source]
I'm kidding, by the way, taking mock offense to your statement, apparently that it's "'Bout damn time" there was someone other than me on UnNews Audio. But your response neither plays along nor makes a new serious point." So: I'm kidding. Spıke ¬ 02:45 21-Jan-11
- Well, I'm a dumbass.--If you're 555 then I'm 02:46, January 21, 2011 (UTC)
You said it, I didn't. For more context, click on my microphone and look at the consecutive Goldstein awards at the top of the page. UnNews Audio was deserted in 2010. Spıke ¬ 02:50 21-Jan-11
- I guess people didn't like the pay. Unbooks pays more than UnNews Audio.--If you're 555 then I'm 02:53, January 21, 2011 (UTC)
For your information, I can confidently say we pay twice what they pay. Spıke ¬ 02:58 21-Jan-11
- No wonder I'm always broke *goes up to UnBooks' boss and demands a raise*--If you're 555 then I'm 03:09, January 21, 2011 (UTC)
Your New and Improved Signature[edit | edit source]
I made you a signature you can edit. User:Iwillkillyou333/sig To use it, in your preferences click the raw signatures link and paste this code into your 'nickname' field:
- {{SUBST:nosubst|User:{{BASEPAGENAME}}/sig}}<small style="font-size:8px;color:indianred;"> {{subst:CURRENTTIME}} {{subst:CURRENTDAY}} {{subst:CURRENTMONTHNAME}} {{subst:CURRENTYEAR}}</small>
Looks like this right now: - 
04:48 21 January 2011
- Since I added the timestamp directly to your signature, from now on just sign your name using only three tildes, like so: ~~~
Hope you like, and enjoy!!! ~Formerly Annoying Crap 04:48, 21 January 2011
Could you please, please, PLEASE, for the love of all things shiny, at least try to remember to update the gorram scores when you vote on VFD?[edit | edit source]
...that is all. Toodles. ~ 06:46, 22 January 2011
Incoming Call From a Total N00b[edit | edit source]
- Hi! This is a message from your local animal shelter, responding to your open space for our "adopt-a-n00b" program! Mr. Crazyhair911 fits the requirements for adoption, and would REALLY like some assistance. He would like to join your dojo for potential students, and wouldn't even mind addressing you as "Master and Dictator of my Very Existence". Think about it. It rolls off the tongue quite nicely. But please, Adopt this n00b in dire need of assistance before he does something incredibly dumb that will destroy humanity as we know it.Crazyhair911
From your incredibly loyal student[edit | edit source]
Thanks for taking the time to look at the articles. I've been dying to find out how the heck I can improve them for quite some time now. Also, quick n00b question: When I look at my watch list I see green numbers posted to the right hand side of the page names. Is this some kind of scoring system? Crazyhair911
- It shows the number of letters, spaces, numbers, and symbols you put in an article. When its red, it shows how much was taken out of the article.
Also, as a friendly note, don't remove things from a person's talk page, even if you wrote it. Just simply create a new section underneath it. But this is your first time, so it's understandable, but avoid doing so in the future, because people will get on you for it.--- 02:44, January 26, 2011 (UTC)
Oh, sorry. I suppose I can understand why people would want to keep their talk pages intact. Thanks for giving me a heads up. Promise not to do it again in the future. Crazyhair911
- It's all good. ---
03:02, January 26, 2011 (UTC)
I'm considering writing a 'what if' article, so is there anything I should know (like mandatory formating, tips, etc.) before I start? Crazyhair911
Gonna be gone for a couple days on a ski trip, so don't be surprised if I'm not on Uncyclopedia for a bit. Crazyhair911
UnSignpost! Wheeee![edit | edit source]
Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!
Jan 27th, 2011 • Issue 105 • Do not try this at home!
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Awards and Voting Update
As the Uncyclopedian voting season draws to a close, the UnSignpost is proud to have spent a full ten minutes looking at the scores on the award pages so you don't have to! Over on Writer of the Year Aleister in Chains has taken a lead of two points over Mhaille and Sog1970 who are tied in second place with 9 each. It looks as though WotY is set to be a real roller coaster thrill ride as the frontrunners approach the final furlong, looking to be the first to vault the pommel horse of victory and ultimately hit it out of the park for a triple 20 score of 180, all without potting the black... or getting knocked off their broomsticks. Meanwhile Uncyclopedian of the Year is interesting, if only to watch Uncyclopedians revelling in a completely non-gay celebration of how fantastic everyone else is, all except the leader, ironically, who this newspaper maintains is a work-shy wank-stain on the pants of life. The Top 10 articles of 2010 is almost finished and the leaders of the pack are becoming apparent, with Suddenly, Raccoons leading the pack and Gay whales in Darfur and A wizard did it tying for second place. There has been some comment on this positioning: mostly screams of horror that an article comprising 6 words could possibly competing for best article of the year, sighs of resignation as it inches closer to actually achieving that end and the snorting guffaws of the people voting for it as they accidentally eat the ends of their fingers while eating crisps and try to cross busy roads without looking. UnSignpost Disclaimer: All scores are correct at time of writing, if they change, as they inevitably will, why not look at it as a metaphor for our inability to understand the universe as it changes around us and leave this story alone? Panic, despair and anguish
 It was a fine day, and then Wikia came. They destroyed that which we hold dear, had the tenacity to upgrade the site, kidnapped our children after we refused to pay them for piping all the rats out of town, turned all our clocks backwards 3 hours and worst of all they turned Mordillo into a newt... but he got better. Yes, this week has seen another Wikia update, and our roving reporters have taken to the streets, in flak jackets naturally, to investigate the chaos currently engulfing Uncyclopedia, as people wake up to discover the changes to bits of the site they never used. First of all we stopped by the Village Dump, where the peasants are revolting, and some people are quite upset about the new changes. Chief among those people is Dexter111344, starter of the forum topic Technical difficulties with Wikimedia updates in January 2011; we didn't bother interviewing him as he looked quite mean, though this periodical does observe that Dexter has been protesting against regular bathing for some time now and nobody else really wants to talk to him. If you aren't Spang, Olipro or Lyrithya you won't have a clue what is going on, so we have condensed it down into a suitably stupid phrase just for you "Shit dun' got fucked up". From here we dropped by Wikia headquarters and, once we had obtained docking clearance and the shield on the forest moon was deactivated, we were able to speak to Stay classy, Uncyclopedia, and watch out for DPLs. If you find something that is badly broken and adversely effecting the running of the site as a whole then contact an administrator or an |
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~ 04:43, 27 January 2011
UnBooks:Let's take a walk in the city! made it into queue![edit | edit source]
Thanks for votin...
-- 23:44, January 29, 2011 (UTC)
Hello[edit | edit source]
And thank you again for you vote on the writer thing! Appreciated. I have a thank you page set-up on my user page, please go partake of the cookies if nothing else. And it's really nice how the first article listed on Uncy when you google it is "HTDate an Emo Girl". It must get so many reads from that. Emo girl, ummmmmmmmmmm. Aleister 00:14 2-2-'11
- I thank you for respecting my teacher's authority with power in the voting process. As almost everyone who gets nominated votes for themselves, I thank you for realizing that Iwillkillyou333's vote helped you "make it or break it" as some may call it. Thank you for acknowledging my teacher's compassion he gave for you by clicking a button with his index finger, a gesture that many war veterans without fingers would find nearly impossible to pull off. Crazyhair911
Need help with this article:[edit | edit source]
I wrote a new article, titled HowTo:Buy a One Way Ticket to Hell and Back. I think the content's alright, but I'm having trouble making the formatting somewhat comedic. Could you please look it over and give me your input? --Crazyhair911 08:13, February 5, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost is now served with complimentary tacos.[edit | edit source]
Woop Woop! it's the sound of the Police UnSignpost!
Feb 3rd, 2011 • Issue 106 • Can you feel the news melt?
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Awards and the winners thereof
 Those of you who were rapt by the news from last issue were doubtless concerned by the news of Wikia updates, however life around the wiki appears to be proceeding as normal, albeit with more swearing and misery. Despite this last week being quite a slow one as far as news goes, the UnSignpost refuses to simply lie back and think of England. Our roving reporters have sat down with the yearly award winners to find out just how it feels to  Next we stealthily followed Aleister in Chains to work to find out just how he felt about being named Writer of the Year. He had this to say, to someone else: "Everyone nominated deserved the award. Seriously. It's like chopping a baby up bit by bit (dibs on the heart and some of the toes)," which means he is a whole 10% more stable than last years winner! It seems only fair that we should speak to Mhaille, repeat Writer of the Year loser and bureaucrat; he said, "I'd like to thank all the voters who for the fifth year running didn't get me a WOTY award and all the people who took time out from their busy schedule of not being on Uncyclopedia to come back and offer their support in our annual awards." What a splendid fellow. We here at the UnSignpost are all agreed that it takes real talent to lose as gracefully as Mhaille does. In an unprecedented turn of events, Useless Gobshite of the Year was jointly received by both Arsehole and Twattycake; Twattycake also picked up the Uncyclopedian of the Year award in a final evening of voting that will go down in history as having happened last weekend. We haven't asked them for quotes, though Twattycake did manage to say something about being incredibly grateful to everyone who voted for him. He then tried to consume our correspondent's "essence," so we haven't got anything more from him. The Top 10 of 2010 extravaganza also concluded with Suddenly, Raccoons taking the top spot, closely followed by A wizard did it, Filial Piety and Gay whales in Darfur. Mhaille, who won't stop following our journalists around, said "This years "Top" 10 shows once again that people of taste and infinite comedic writing talent must be found soon to stop this travesty from ever occurring again". The top ten extravaganza will continue for a while longer as each of the articles in the top 10 is once again highlighted on the front page. With that, Uncyclopedia's voting season draws to a close, leaving the UnSignpost bereft of filler material. Again. UnNews update
 After spending the last several months in a sensory deprivation tank, Reverend zim ulator has returned to his position at Uncyclopedia, though only on a part-time basis, the slacker. In his absence, SPIKE has been doing a There have been some grumblings about the UnNews podcast, more specifically the lack of updates since last summer. As of today, the podcast has been updated with UnNews' latest audios, dating back to January 24 2010. By the time this article is published, the list should stretch back to last August or so. Go check it out now; we'll wait. UnFunnies on UnNews main page are being changed again, after a hiatus. The cartoonist had been hospitalized with juxtaposition atrophy for the last several months, keeping him from his easel. |
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~ 02:34, 3 February 2011
This edition of the UnSignpost brought to you in two's complement...[edit | edit source]
Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay
Feb 10th, 2011 • Issue 107 • The newspaper that you should really sign up for and read on your own talk page
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Surprise!
 Is this a bag of poo I see before me? Indeed it is, good sirs and questionable madams; surprising, isn't it?! See how we have magnificently crafted the title of the competition here? We used the word poo, so it's sophisticated and funny! Especially if we set it on fire! Yes, it is Poo Lit Surprise time and it has been since January the 18th! However the UnSignpost won't let being some 23 days late to the competition stop the relentless march of journalism. The competition has been hosted this time around by sexy Scot Sycamore. When asked about the competition, Sycamore told our reporter "Things have gone pretty well with PLS. I've enjoyed reading many of the entries, and the quality has been very impressive - hopefully we'll see some great features from some very good new and old writers". Now in light of these comments, you may be thinking, "There's a man with his head screwed on correctly, I must pop round to his house for tea and muffins next time I'm out on a jaunt round Scotland," but we implore you not to do this, because Sycamore is, to be frank, snooker-loopy.The competition is due to provide definitive results by the 13th, but the fierce intensity in the competition id rivalled only by Mordillo's intense desire not to do any judging until late March (he claims he has life issues) and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user's desire to avoid allocating a clear winner (he clearly has life issues). The UnSignpost would like to extend its congratulations to everyone who participated in the PLS; as we always say, every single one of you is a winner; it's just that most of you won't actually be winners. Big News!
 First, a confession: I have just lied to all of you; there is no big news to report. Just about everyone has gotten over the Wikia update frenzy of a few weeks ago, there are no big awards left to report on, no controversies or pregnancies, or indeed pregnancies or controversies. We, well, I say we; it's just me really - which makes the meetings and functions really dull- have thought and thought and thought about what to put in this space. Should we tell you about Socky's idea to have yet another chance to vote in case you weren't completely sick of voting by now? Or should we look for a part of the site that nobody edits much, like UnTunes or UnScripts? We were stumped until we hit upon the idea of reporting on how you are all bunch of slackers who haven't done anything interesting this week, and it's true, everyone except Sycamore has been happy to just plod along being vaguely useful, and the UnSignpost is here to tell you that this is entirely unacceptable. We see you every day, adding things to QVFD, patrolling Recent Changes, writing articles and generally hanging about the place being limber and stress free; your attitudes are what reduced Mordillo to the burnt out husk he is today. Not that this paper encourages drama or vandalism; we just want to see the wiki fall into rack and ruin and be there to chronicle every glorious second of it! As the flames leap high into the night sky, the UnSignpost would be there, finally making use of the flak jackets we were issued last summer. Think of the coverage! We could interview Wikia representatives in their bunker at the heart of Skynet! We could run messages across the darkened fields of open warfare to... Fredd's house, the heart of the Uncyclopedian resistance. Imagine the pictures: Olipro executed by Wikia for a particularly groundbreaking piece of code that actually works! Lyrithya brutally murdered in the dead of night by nobody in particular! Not using that fecking dog image we've been using since issue 2! So to conclude, there is no way for us to fill this space this week short of encouraging a violent revolution. We hope the lot of you are satisfied. |
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~ 02:27, 10 February 2011
Crossout[edit | edit source]
I was reading several articles, looking for some ideas, and I've noticed that quite a few of them contain cross out text. Is this still popular? If so, how exactly is it done? Crazyhair911
- It depends, but that too is sometimes overused. Yet you could use it, but it would be prefered if you're use it on a article with a first person tone. A good example would be this, "The fact that kittens are
the most evil creatures to ever walk this earthvery annoying is the reason I don't buy them." It's not a very funny one, but it shows you where I'm going with this. Just try not to overuse it on an article; I say limit from 2-5 cross outs, that would be enough, but it's up to you, without over doing it. Hope this was helpful.--- 02:39, February 11, 2011 (UTC)
Hi.[edit | edit source]
*hits Iwillkillyou333 with a frying pan* That's for taking over a day on another review. Please finish it, mon. ~ 21:50, 12 February 2011
- Man, you tend to do this a lot, huh mr.Iwillkillyou? -- 22:27, February 12, 2011 (UTC)
- I don't do it intentionally. Had to deal with some personal issues. But I got 85% done, so it won't be too long.--- 02:23, February 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Excuses excuses! -- 02:35, February 13, 2011 (UTC)
- *hits Magic Man with a mallet*--- 13:15, February 13, 2011 (UTC)
- I wouldn't mess with this guy. I think he might kill you.
(talk) 05:04, February 14, 2011 (UTC)
- I wouldn't mess with this guy. I think he might kill you.
- *hits Magic Man with a mallet*---
- Excuses excuses! --
- I don't do it intentionally. Had to deal with some personal issues. But I got 85% done, so it won't be too long.---
Technical Question:[edit | edit source]
How do you link to an article with a word/phrase, even if it doesn't contain any of the key words? (ex: linking "Cuddly Demons" to "Kittens) This can be really funny sometimes, and I noticed a majority of the featured articles have these silly misdirections. Crazyhair911
- It's quite easy, it goes like this: [[Kittens|Cuddly Demon]]. The Article desired is placed first, then after placing a slash (going down) you put the word/phrase you desire next.--- 22:21, February 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Thanks! Worked like a charm! Crazyhair911
An angel has sent a beam of light down from the heavens...[edit | edit source]
A wave of inspiration has hit me! I have finished (what I believe) to be one of the best articles I have ever written. I have great hopes for my article HowTo:Buy a One Way Ticket to Hell and Back, but I'm afraid that I might be suffering from 'quality disillusionment'. I already tried pee review, and it helped somewhat (I stole one of the suggested jokes), but I'd like the opinion of a professional. That's where you come in. Could you look it over it and decide it's destiny as an article up for VFH or VFD? (P.S. Actually looking at the article is optional. You can always cut corners, say a few vague phrases like "Improve the quality of your jokes", and link to HTBFANJS. Nobody will ever know the difference.)Crazyhair911
- I'll look over and see what needs improvement. By the way, VFD is ony for articles that actually suck, and this one is very far from that.--- 21:38, February 14, 2011 (UTC)
Thanks![edit | edit source]
Thanks for moving the article "the loud computer voice that counts backward", I clean forgot about it! I was busy trying figure out how to rewrite girl scouts. It's too short, and I think it's just darn right terrible quality. --Crazyhair911 00:01, February 22, 2011 (UTC)
- Anytime.--- 01:18, February 22, 2011 (UTC)
Need some tips[edit | edit source]
I'm in the process of rewriting my article, Girl Scouts, as it seems like a bunch of crud. I've somewhat finished an improved draft in word (the overall theme of the article surrounding GSA the successful cookie selling corporation ). Is this a good direction to be heading? If not, do you have any suggestions?--Crazyhair911 03:28, February 25, 2011 (UTC)
Lurg luuurg unsignpost luuuuurg[edit | edit source]
The Uncyclopedia UnSignpostTelling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
Feb 17th, 2011 • Issue 108 • The newspaper that won't be interrupted by some kind of nocturnal omniv-
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Who are these people?
 That's right, this week, Uncyclopedia has seen several old people reappear and start editing with the best of us. The first to appear was Codeine, who appeared on the wiki after previously dropping by only every few weeks to revert the anniversary pages and bemoan the general state of things; our forecasters are currently unsure whether we will see a full resurgence of Codeine, but they are hopeful that levels will continue to rise until everyone is crushed beneath Codeine's massive... mixed metaphor. Rcmurphy has also joined the wiki and can be sighted wandering around on recent changes, asking silly questions and trying and failing to create articles; we asked our forecasters what they thought about Rcmurphy and the chances of him staying here, but apparently they don't care about "some noob".  Anyone who has not had a chance to speak to either Codeine or Rcmurphy should head to their talk pages right now and ask about their Mum and offer to adopt them, respectively. Be gentle with these two aged Uncyclopedians; remember, everything was far simpler in their day. When they were your age, all of this was fields, Mordillo was happy, the servers frolicked in a Wikia free wonderland and you were still a glint in your Mother's eye. We were lucky enough not to sit down with Codeine, but can predict with frightening accuracy that he would have said "Would you like a mint imperial?" if we had. You can't actually sit down with Rcmurphy because he has lost his 'sitting down and giving quotes to the UnSignpost' glasses, so we don't have a proper quote from him either. We can live with this and so can you. Remember, if you edit hard and eat your greens, you too could be just like Codeine and Rcmurphy in a few short years; how awesome would that be?! Suddenly News!
 So it was, with a mixture of relief and apathy, that the top 10 extravaganza drew to a close and it was revealed to everyone with no knowledge of the chronology of numbers which article claimed the top spot. Suddenly, Raccoons joins Dragon Warrior, AAAAAAAAA!, Captain Obvious, You Are Dead and the awkward tie from 2008 in the grand cupboard of Uncyclopedia where it shall remain as an example of how to write an Uncyclopedia article. The UnSignpost refuses to congratulate Hyperbole for writing Uncyclopedia's favorite article three years running, since doing so would run contrary to our aim of ultimately crushing him with the futility of his own existence. Hyperbole: You suck. In other news, the PLS scores have been added up; anybody who has been peeking at the results page while it was being created should report to Uncyclopedia HQ for the customary 15 lashes of the cat (the same punishment for reading this periodical before it is delivered), but should also be aware that ties in the PLS are unacceptable - don't ask why; they just are - and any ties have been broken with the help of the A quick word on the forums: Poo. That was fun wasn't it? The final item of news for you this week is that Zombiebaron, everybody's favourite flesh-devouring chocolate flavoured |
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~ 06:13, 17 February 2011
UnSignnull pointer exception[edit | edit source]
Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while
Feb 24th, 2011 • Issue 109 • Just heat and serve!
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Poo Aftermath
We write on what is, for the UnSignpost, a very sad day. It is sad because the Poo Lit Surprise has concluded and thus, after this story, we will once again be bereft of material to fill the eternal white space which mocks us every time we begin a new issue. Nevertheless, we have resolved to wring the final droplets of news from the damp flannel of the PLS; it's easier than thinking, you see. After the ties and laziness of the judging process had been overcome, through the miracles of adding up and generally being unfair, Sycamore was finally able to reveal the winners to the world. As you would expect, the UnSignpost staff were all otherwise occupied while he was doing
this, but have not only swung by the winners circle and spoken to the few contestants who don't yet have restraining orders against us but have also fetched the scores from the competition page thus saving you from the horrors of excessive reading once again. The winner of the coveted Best The Best Illustrated Article category broke all known records by having only three entrants and then being unable to select one to triumph over the others; it was eventually decided that - since we edit in a corrupt aristocracy where the cabal secretly decides everything - the two admins would win together and Lyrithya could have the supreme honour of being runner up! Lyrithya was permitted this enviable honour for a second time in the Best Rewrite category where she and Black flamingo11 lost to Thekillerfroggy. The UnSignpost would, as is customary, like to offer its congratulations to all the contestants and its thanks to all the judges for ensuring that the competition failed to run smoothly; thanks also go to Sycamore for It's all going to end in tears
 Like the eviction notices that keep arriving at UnSignpost HQ, the imminent threat of No, not really; while the spectre of remotely possible drama does indeed hang over our heads, there is no reason to stop drop and roll just yet, though this week tension has ramped up a notch as a proposal to change the rules of the mythical other form of VFS was raised in the forums. The idea was pioneered by Electrified mocha chinchilla who suggests that the present system is unfair and is calling for change. Hyperbole has also voiced his opposition to the present system by making it sound like we are editing in a slightly less humane version of Stalin's Russia, where  Olipro has taken advantage of the preoccupation with most of the active userbase in fighting to the death in the Ministry of Love to propose the locking of the sandbox talk page. What fun he must be at parties. The UnSignpost will continue to monitor the situation, but just remember, admin rights are just like haemorrhoids; sooner or later every arsehole gets them. Think about that. |
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~ 07:42, 24 February 2011
HAPPY MONKEY COMPETITION MARCH 2nd[edit | edit source]
¡¡¡ OLÉ !!! :)
--Shabidoo 10:41, February 24, 2011 (UTC)
Joe's REward[edit | edit source]
Join Goa Tse Clan, or we will do this:
|Si Plebius Dato' Joe ang Man on Fire CUN|IC Kill 
| 08:12, February 28, 2011 (UTC)
Don't be surprised if i'm not on for a while...[edit | edit source]
It's a week with a bunch of major testing for my classes, so I won't have a lot of time to be on uncyclopedia. I have to study a whole lot, so please don't be alarmed at my absence. --Crazyhair911 23:00, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
All the UnSignpost you ever wanted[edit | edit source]
May contain traces of humor!
March 3rd, 2011 • Issue 110 • Be sure to listen carefully for the Satanic messages!
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Hip Hop Admin Master Mixer
 Yes, that's right, it's all here: votes for temporary adminship. Two things that are immediately noticeable to those looking at forum is that the community is divided and that it isn't funny at all. Even the permanently enthusiastic joke Dolphins kept in the dream filled creativity lake outside UnSignpost HQ are struggling to provide any inspiration for jokes to be made on this subject, and reading the forums pertaining to this is about as funny as having a brick thrown in your face only to wake up and discover there is a gas bill tied to it. That is why the UnSignpost refuses to make any mention of it again ever. The UnSignpost would instead like to draw your attention to this picture of a Dog dressed as a Lobster, and feels that there is greater allegorical significance to it than is immediately apparent. To help us out we spent a huge amount of money that we just found on getting an interview with Professor Oswald that ends wald who has spent his life studying stuff!  We were permitted to observe as he perused the picture, occasionally sniffing our correspondent's hair and twitching. After falling over twice and arguing with a nearby desk fan, the professor mused: "If there's one thing your average sweet old lady really likes, it's a damn good row over a few pence..." and from looking at the picture, the UnSignpost can certainly see how he came to this conclusion; if you can't, then you aren't looking hard enough. Our reporter watched in fascination as the Professor stumbled around the room and appeared to develop his prior assertion: "The other things old ladies enjoy are drinking sherry and racism." Truly thought-provoking. The professor finally stood swaying in front of the picture and his eyes seemed to clear in a glorious moment of clarity. "Fuck me, that's an ugly Dog!" he proclaimed before collapsing into a heap on the floor. Got an opinion on everything but no knowledge of anything? Be an UnSignpost authority on nothing! Contact recruitment today! Pooper scoopers and General stuff
Poo. Yes, poo. It's the Dilithium crystal equivalent for Uncyclopedia in that the place couldn't work without it, but nobody is quite sure why. Unlike taking the piss, taking the Poop is a job that not just anyone can do, and the poopsmiths are the chosen few who are permitted to archive the important pages; this reduces the number of This week has seen a new Poopsmith appointed to the order, Lyrithya. When asked to comment on this, she said, "It makes me feel as though a great gong has sounded in my loins," which at least demonstrates the appropriate mindset for the job. In other news, the Earth continued to orbit the Sun and through the unrelenting march of time another month has ended and the monthly awards duly dished out to people who don't deserve them. Socky took Writer of the Month, something which has left him as cheerful as can be (we assume), Black flamingo11 took Uncyclopedian of the month, something which as left him pleased as punch (we assume) and new fellow Rpm snatched Noob of the Month from under Rcmurphy's nose, something which has left them respectively pleased and miserable (we assume). Finally; Uncyclopedians have been sharing their pathetic stories of how they came to edit the site. It's all undeniably homosexual, especially the parts concerning supposed women. The UnSignpost editorial team certainly won't be contributing to Uncyclopedia's very own Princess Diaries; we came to be here in the normal way: an accident involving a van, a tin of baked beans, a large vat of sherbet and 50,000 volts of direct current. |
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~ 16:07, 3 March 2011
Want a job?[edit | edit source]
Hello. I was wondering if you can give me some advice on this article.
Needs some better taste in satire, and sence you're known for writing some very funny and popular articles, I need some of your originalty to make my originalty and be inspired by you. --Lucyfer & his friend, Wlado! 20:35, March 8, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost: March 10th, 2011[edit | edit source]
The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!
March 10th, 2011 • Issue 111 • Make mine a Shandygaff!
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Temporary admins and temporary brains
 It's official - temporary Administrators have arrived on Uncyclopedia. After the frantic discussion and voting, several unlucky losers have been selected from amongst the great unwashed masses and made to shovel through a never-ending pile of manure for 6 hours a day, every day, as is the tradition. The Losers: Hyperbole, perhaps the most vocal critic of the old "regime": Hyperbole is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and the complete works of Karl Marx. Regrettably, Hyperbole has not been in IRC long enough for our editor to get a quote from him, so we have decided that when asked to comment, he said, "I feel like Moses, leading my people to the promised land," and we must say that he does look like Moses, except Moses probably wore more clothes and bathed more frequently. He was chosen because: The Cabal wishes him to suffer. Lyrithya, perhaps the most unsettlingly strange Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick (after Modusoperandi): Lyrithya is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and a large banana. Regrettably, Lyrithya has been in the IRC long enough for our editor to get a quote from her; when asked to comment she said, "The temporary admins all suck," and we must say that they do all suck; real admins probably wear more clothes and bathe more frequently. She was chosen because: She moans more than anyone else in the history of the human race and the Cabal wishes her to suffer.  PuppyOnTheRadio, perhaps the most Australian Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick: PuppyOnTheRadio is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and <insert relevant Australian stereotype here>. Regrettably, PuppyOnTheRadio escaped from his bonds before our editor could extract a quote from him, so we have decided he said, "Crikey mates! This sheila ain't half crowded by ankle biting nongs!," and we must say that we would agree entirely if we knew what that means. He was chosen because: He is not a poofter and the Cabal wishes him to suffer. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, perhaps the most active Uncyclopedian to ever wield a banstick: Socky is now prowling the wiki with a banstick and pair of cat ears. Regrettably, Socky destroyed the reactor core before our editor could He was chosen because: He r0xxorz our sox0rrz and the Cabal wishes him to suffer. The Winners: Rcmurphy, Under user, Codeine and Thekillerfroggy. The less said about them, the better. It returns
The one hour writing competition, originally conceived by Dr. Skullthumper last year (details here) and the European version of the same, hosted by Mordillo shortly afterwards (details here), is returning to Uncyclopedia very shortly. While no firm date has yet been fixed for the competitions, investigative reporting reveals that it is being planned for later this month or early next month, or perhaps the month after that. You are urged to watch the forums and anticipate with mounting anticipation the announcement of a date for the competition. In other news: ChiefjusticeDS is the best admin of all time, it's snowing and Roman Dog Bird still sucks balls. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 03:06, March 10, 2011 (UTC)
Dude[edit | edit source]
Remember when you were a noob? Good times, good times. 
(talk) 05:17, March 13, 2011 (UTC)
- Ah yes. That brings back so many memories.--- 01:42, March 14, 2011 (UTC)
AdminBots presents: The UnSignpost[edit | edit source]
Now With 0 Trans Fat!
March 17th, 2011 • Issue 112 • <insert name here>'s favourite periodical! Ever!!
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General news round-up
It has been another action-packed week on Uncyclopedia! As is our custom on such busy news weeks, the UnSignpost isn't reporting anything in particular. Uncyclopedians all over the world were shocked to see VFH be placed under Martial Law, a development unseen since 2009. Uncyclopedia actually sucked so much that the VFH page stacked up a staggering 26 nominations at one time. Our reporters planned to attend an emergency meeting of the Cabal to discuss the matter, but inexplicably were suddenly invited to spend the day playing water polo with the Somalian Rugby Team. According to our correspondent, "They have such massive thighs!". Martial law has now ended, but it did remind us all of the good old days where martial law was a state of being and where banning Cajek was still original! Elsewhere on the wiki, the temporary admins are still the temporary admins and we here at the UnSignpost can honestly say that watching them ban each other and delete pages has been a 24 hour hobby for the last couple of weeks. The wiki has also braced for the Great Image Exodus. Zombiebaron, having tired of slaughtering articles, has turned his smouldering gaze upon a list of Uncyclopedia's unused images. During the last week, the whole list was available for users to look at and save any images they wish to use; if you have lost an image that was close to your heart anyway, then simply contact an administrator and ask, then ask again when the first ban expires! Above all the Cabal assures users not to panic, to remain in their homes and to be sure to read the UnSignpost every Thursday! Everything else appears to be as normal; Black flamingo11 and Lyrithya are doing a superb job of keeping Pee Review running as ChiefjusticeDS's incredible record-breaking run of apathy continues. Also, people who don't deserve it are still winning awards, but this paper is forced to accept that it will always be thus. Finally, Uncyclopedia cannot fail to recognise the tragedy that has taken place in Japan and asks that you consider donating something to help those who have suffered and are still suffering as a result. Happy Monkey!
The Happy Monkey competition concluded without incident, which is a relief, since if there had been a crisis, the UnSignpost wouldn't have been able to understand why. We spent literally hours trying to figure out how it worked before concluding that it was a stupid competition and that we were above reporting on anything with Monkey written in all caps in the title. Have a look at the scoring table for yourself and if you say you know what it all means then you are going to hell for lying (reading the competition rules doesn't count; words are for losers). However by a process of adding up that we don't quite understand, competition host Shabidoo declared that Thekillerfroggy had won. A lot of hard work went into this competition from everyone involved, and as such, it deserves nothing but your contempt; hard work hasn't ever gotten anybody anywhere they wanted to be and that's a fact! Finally, the UnSignpost would like to draw your attention to the worst 100 list for this year! It's brilliant! We laughed all the way to the end! We are Lying! If you have a knack for teh funniez then the UnSignpost implores you to add more entries to the list when new things happen. Finally, the UnSignpost would like to draw your attention to Benson's House of Pancakes! It's brilliant! We laughed all the way to the end! We are Lying! If you have a knack for teh funniez then the UnSignpost implores you to add more entries to the forum immediately. |
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~ 05:12, 17 March 2011
UnSignpostOnTheDelivery[edit | edit source]
The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!
March 24th, 2011 • Issue 113 • 83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail
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The Apocalypse will be televised
 Hello folks, I don't usually write this, but at the time of writing, there's only 3 days left till this It certainly has been an interesting week; for starters, the April Fool's ideas have been coming in thick and fast - so far, people seem very vocal about switching the site's skin to the Wikia one, which people are naturally rather divided about in equal measure - your dear Editor personally thinks that showing people what the world would be like if Hitler won the war is obviously a winner; all hail the Wikia skin. Meanwhile, our The Hourly writing contest came and went; amazingly, 5 out of 7 articles made the cut, thanks in no part to cronyism or vote-rigging, let me assure you. Indeed, the result was so encouraging that another one is planned for the near future, so if you have the time and inclination to wake yourself up at 4am to ultimately have the fruits of your labour ruthlessly shot down in flames and extricated from the site, please do so. Finally, Armageddon was narrowly avoided this week after Lyrithya decided the best use of her temporary adminship would be to nuke VFD - resulting in the already teetering Wikia servers completely shitting themselves due to the article having OVER NIIINE THOUSAND edits (actually, over 96,000), and thus making the article restoration page fail to load. Hence, a wave of panic ensued both on the Village Dump and the evil perpetrator's talk page until Olipro managed to trick MediaWiki into restoring it through a spot of form element manipulation. Everyone has AIDS: A Zombiebaron Editorial
 The red and the green clouds moved swiftly over the statue of King Fooodup, dissolving all of the bronze, and as the bronze dissolved, the clouds grew bigger. Slowly, Captain Thunder inhaled his Pethefon62 capsule, careful to remain hidden and quiet. Closing his eyes, the captain began the familiar countdown from 62 while mentally mapping out his next moves. This was the moment that Yonderfluff had been waiting for, and now he did not hesitate to unsheathe his ceremonial vorpal flaming dagger +5 and plunge it deep into the unsuspecting captain's evil heart, while screaming, "EVERYONE HAS AIDS!!!!" Finally Yonderfluff had killed the man who had killed him in an alternate universe twelve million years earlier. The harvest on Mars that year was mighty, and Earth's moon exploded. Hey guys! Thanks for reading this except from a new trilogy of non-fiction books that I am currently writing as part of my job. The books are based on the events of World War I. This is an excerpt from last page of the last book. Please let me know what you think of it on my talkpage! At the Village Stocks  Over at Wikipedia they have their very own page to tribute the idiocy of their administrators. It even has a cute template to declare that they are trying to be amusing. We need no cute template and we need no stocks, either, since saying our administrators are foolish would be cause for immediate execution under the 'hedonistic-fascist-aristocratic-regime-that-refuses-to-recognise-my-brilliance' act of 2011. However for this week, we have made a special exception and Lyrithya is going to be the lucky administrator to be on the receiving end, having done something so monumentally stupid that it appears in two UnSignpost stories and takes up the entire "From our logs" section for this week. Normal people, when hearing someone in the pub say, "Wouldn't it be funny if we went to Canada and pretended to be bears for 2 years?" would laugh and imagine how stupid actually doing that would be. Lyrithya is not such a person, and would already have bought a bear costume and be paddling about in Canadian rivers catching Salmon before you could say 'nitwit'. The metaphorical bear costume and river in Canada for this week is VFD, and the hilarious suggestion the deleting of the same. Lyrithya did it, couldn't fix it because of the massive edit history, and would probably still be trying to fix it had Olipro not stepped in and saved the day. What a clot. As a brief footnote, thanks to everyone who took part in the hourly writing competition. The European one has now hit the village dump, so if you weren't able to take part last time, you now have no excuse. |
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~ 10:13, 24 March 2011
This is your UnSignpost speaking[edit | edit source]
In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!
March 31st, 2011 • Issue 114 • Journalism sighted ahead!
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Farewell
 Everything that has a beginning has an end, with the possible exception of the autobiography of Wayne Rooney; our literary correspondent was unable to complete it after an unfortunate fire rendered the text The sun is now setting on the time of the temporary admins. For the last month, they have all been mucking in with the rest of the administrators and eating other people's biscuits at the weekly cabal meetings and now it is time for them to go. On Friday the bureaucrats will arrive and the mythical user rights log will appear on recent changes for the gratification of the eagle-eyed Uncyclopedian. So how did they do? Sources close to the temporary admins have chosen to move further away because of the smell, so we haven't been able to ask them anything. The occupational hazard of needing to know things has never stopped the relentless march of journalism before, however, and today shall be no exception. Hyperbole, the eternally wronged victim of Uncyclopedia, has been deleting and banning consistently over the last month and has generally been annoyingly useful. Reportedly he has been "asking questions" when he doesn't know something; clearly he is not sysop material. Lyrithya has been the most visible temporary admin, and her screams at the last Cabal meeting as she was punished for deleting VFD were described as "Most invigorating" by Mhaille, who, due to the nature of that quote, has expressed a wish to remain anonymous. Curiously, despite her undiscriminating use of the delete button, Lyrithya seems inordinately keen not to ban users for long periods of time, citing "Feeling sorry for them" as her reason. Clearly she is not sysop material. ChiefjusticeDS is a very delusional man. Sockpuppet of an unregistered user has been a useful admin and, intelligently, has not drawn attention to himself; an ideal candidate for the mantle of sysop. He is, however, from Belgium; make of that what you will. PuppyOnTheRadio doesn't know what a sysop is, but thinks that it would be a splendid way to spend an afternoon, so he has. He has been the least active of the temporary admins and thus is the most obvious candidate for induction to the order. He is Australian, by the way, from Australia. Ask him about his pet Kangaroo, he must have one, he is an Australian from Australia. Olipro was good enough to give his thoughts to the UnSignpost, saying, "And thus, our great experiment in finding out what happens if you rig yourself to a bomb and give the detonator to a pack of monkeys is over." See you next week, hopefully April Fools Day will happen before then and it will be brilliant, because if there is one thing Uncyclopedia is not short of, it is fools.... and days for them to be fools on. Competition Season
 There is something in the air at Uncyclopedia - it's the smell of competition... and cheese. This is the news that over the next month there will be several competitions to encourage creativity and general brilliance from the community. The first of these is the second round of the hourly writing competition, the first round of which ran a couple of weeks ago. Entrants have an hour to write an article and then a further hour is given over to voting to delete or keep those articles. The last round ran very well, with the majority of the articles entered being kept as a result. If you want to take part in the second round then you only need to sign up here... and then turn up on Saturday. The other competition is Zombiebaron's Imagery Extravaganza, a brand new competition surprisingly being run by Zombiebaron. It is very similar to the PLS and will hopefully encourage the creation of plenty of high quality images, which we can then delete and forget about. So if you aren't planning on creating a single new article/image in the next few weeks and throwing it onto the great bonfire of creativity which, as we all know, is burning at the core of Uncyclopedia, then you should definitely think about it. Probably. Unless you don't want to, which is cool, I guess. |
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~ 
I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 02:14, 31 March 2011
Terribly creative UnSignpost header[edit | edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
April 7th, 2011 • Issue 115 • What news of the Uncyclopedia Holmes?
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April Fool
 As you would expect, April Fools day is a very important day for Uncyclopedia; since we have devoted so much time to being fools, we are expected to be able to come up with something suitably hilarious for April 1st. However as the evening of March 31st drew to a close and all of you were relaxing in your homes/shelters/kennels and chuckling at the last issue of this splendid periodical, frantic discussions were taking place over the use of the Conservapedia skin that had been created specially for the occasion. Several users found the idea of using the Conservapedia skin to be highly unoriginal, so in the spirit of democracy it was cast to one side and three people decided to apply Wikia's wonderful Monaco skin to the entire wiki. This was an unforgivable abuse of power and position; if you would like to register a protest against such action then please drop into Uncyclopedia HQ where a customer service representative will be able to help you. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Monaco skin and had lives to lead on April 1st, we dispatched one of our roving reporters to deep behind enemy lines to soak in the atmosphere. He returned and informed us that spending a long time looking at the Wikia skin can cause pre-mature ageing, rectal bleeding and sudden blindness, in that order, if you are one of the lucky ones.* The impact of the skin on Uncyclopedia was sudden and varied massively. Some people got angry, some turned off javascript to escape the pain and some laughed at the people doing the above. The UnSignpost was able to visit Olipro, the mastermind behind the reskin, and find out what he thought its impact had been. "It was a raging success," he enthused from behind the safety glass, "and by "raging" I mean people were going fucking mental." After the interview, we departed Dexter111344's Home for People Who Be Trolling, leaving Olipro sniggering at YouTube videos and receiving occasional electric shocks. We are told this is an essential part of his treatment. The reskin divided the community into those who could turn the reskin off, those who couldn't and those who were just so angry that all they could do is create forums about the consequences for Uncyclopedia and the world in general. The reskin was removed shortly after midnight on April the 2nd, apparently because of AIDS. Happy April fools day; perhaps next year we could just leave the Main Page as it is and then discuss how disgusting it is that we haven't done anything for April fools day. *We worked this out with Science. You don't need to know how. I hate you and your competition
 As part of our commitment to being the worst at absolutely everything, we here at Uncyclopedia have taken a new and interesting course in article writing - a new trend of "hate articles". After the huge success of Fuck ChiefjusticeDS, several other writers have been eager to jump on the bandwagon of its success, with Speaking of originality, a whole host of new competitions seem to be hitting the village dump and the Cabal has expressed some concern as to this trend. It reminds all citizens to abide, and to consider that competitions are like Rats, quite cool when they turn up alone or a couple of times a year, but they will strip the flesh from the bone when hundreds turn up at once. The Cabal would also like to invite you to a seminar next Wednesday as part of the ongoing "Obeying the Cabal" series; this week we are focusing on obeying despite the loss of your parents, siblings and pet hamster. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 04:25, 7 April 2011
The UnSignpost: On-time and on top of things... as always.[edit | edit source]
Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.
April 14th, 2011 • Issue 116 • These are not the enraged monkeys you're looking for.
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Sysops, sysops, and more sysops
It has been over a year since the last VFS, over a year since the last batch of sysops were elected in the tyrannical drama-fest that lies at the heart of the Uncyclopedia powerbase, and now, amidst rampant vote-whoring and election campaigns running wild across the wiki, the voting is once more in full swing. In proper UnSignpost fashion, however, and as part of our continued attempts to avoid overusing self-referential humour and to instead report on something that people may not have already noticed, we have sent reporters into the heart of the storm to investigate these most momentous ongoings. In all of the two minutes it took to skim the scores, it was revealed that people so far seem to really favour Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user, who already have scores of over twenty each, although they both clearly suck. Voting, however, has only been going on for all of a day, following a nomination period that likewise went on for all of a day and yet still somehow managed to result in the entire active userbase being nominated, as well as part of the inactive userbase, a couple of people only active on the IRC channel who in fact didn't even have accounts on the wiki itself until they made some for the occasion, two users who are already admins and one of whom is also a bureaucrat, and a bot... of an admin. This told us two things: Uncyclopedia standards are evidently still at an all-time low, and that our reporters needed to get out of there as soon as possible and adjourn for lunch, and not just because it was meatballs.
 Awards and contests everyone forgot about
As with all months, the usual awards have all already been forgotten about in lieu of more interesting things. So far, they look terribly riveting, with Matt lobster the only real contender for both Uncyclopedian of the Month and Writer of the Month, as well as Lockdandload taking the lead in the Noob of the Month voting, although he's probably just Matt lobster in disguise, now that we think about it. As such, we attempted to sit down with this intriguing user for an interview, but as he never showed up (possibly because we neglected to tell him), he didn't have terribly much to say about the matter. Meantime, all the other awards, including ANotM, PWotM, FP, EGA, PotM, AotM, UGotM, and NOM NOM NOMotm, are all looking kind of neglected. RotM isn't, however. Go support that one guy along with everyone else, if you can be bothered.
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:13, 14 April 2011
That UnSignposty thing[edit | edit source]
The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism Johnny Is Teh FAGXORZ!!111 SHUT UP DOUCHEBAG!!11
April 21st, 2011 • Issue 117 • Please don't immerse this periodical in water.
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VFS update
As is customary when a VFS is running, the UnSignpost has chosen to shun the various non-events that have punctuated the week and is instead filling the space by updating you with information that is freely available to absolutely everyone elsewhere. Remember: we click links and read words so you don't have to. At the time of going to press, VFS has not yet lurched into its 4th and final phase, so we have called in experts to predict which RT: Good day Fred: Where am I?? Get this sack off my head! USP: Fred, don't struggle; struggling just makes the poison spread faster. Now Rabbi, who do you think will make it through to the final round of VFS? Fred: Socky for admin! Argh the pain! RT: Well I must say all the chaps and fellows competing are absolutely splendid. I have watched with baited breath as they have competed in the spirit of manly competition, the girding of the loins and the splendid grunts to show us all they are trying. Despite that, two prime specimens appear to be distancing themselves from the pack. This Sockpuppet fellow certainly plays with a straight bat and it wouldn't surprise me if he hits it for 6. Fred: Woo! USP:Rabbi, do you mean you think he will make it into the next round? RT: Oh yes, that said, the burly fellow following him, this Lyrithya lad, certainly seems to have the spunk to go all the way. USP: Lyrithya is supposedly a female, Rabbi. RT: Nonsense! How could a woman carry out all the manly tasks necessary? She'll be pruning her eye brows and trimming her nose hairs the whole time. Fred: Nonsense, I think she will be a splendid- What?? RT: Women have to prune and trim or they wilt and die! You've seen sheep eating grass, women are like that except they use these little tubes of pink stuff. Sheep are also noticeably less woolly. Now answer me this! Where will she hang her breasts at night if we appoint her?? USP: Quite true. Fred: Is everyone here mad? Have either of you ever met a woman?? USP: No, I've seen them on the internet though! RT: My mother was a woman... we were introduced when I was 7. Does that count? USP: Fred, what about the other nominees, do any of them deserve it more than the two leaders? Fred: None of them are sandwiches and that is what this site and society in general sorely need. USP: Rabbi? RT: All splendid masculine fellows, except perhaps Magic man, regrettably they lack the range of this Sockpuppet fellow and this... woman. My conclusion must be that only Sockpuppet and Lyrithya will proceed to the next round. Fred: Sandwiches. USP: Thank you both of you, you can go home now. We'll unlock the shackles in a moment. So there you have it; our editor seems happy that there is a meaningful conclusion in there somewhere, though good luck finding it. Be sure to look for updates to VFS here and nowhere else next week. Editors note: While you are all aware that this is hilarious, we must stress that the opinions above are either based very loosely on what those users have said or have been completely made up in the name of hilarity. It's true. Socky's name isn't Fred at all. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:18, 21 April 2011
UnSignpost: April 28th, 2011[edit | edit source]
Because Uncyclopedia is no laughing matter.
April 28th, 2011 • Issue 118 • A brilliant reasonable periodical.
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General News Round-up
It has been another uneventful week at Uncyclopedia, which, contrary to popular belief, is good for the UnSignpost. Uneventful weeks mean we can report in the vaguest terms possible the various goings on on the wiki, a task made infinitely easier through the existence of the Uncyclopedia at a glance page. For instance, did you know that here at Uncyclopedia we have featured 1,731 articles, which is approximately 7%! We don't know what it's 7% of; we aren't scientists. Uncyclopedia at a glance is a splendid resource, which the UnSignpost would recommend to anyone with a spare afternoon and no other plans for their internet usage. Elsewhere on the wiki, VFS has clunked into its final stage, with Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user both reaching the final round. Normally, at this point, the existing administrators vote on a candidate until the 30th of the month, whereupon a messenger is dispatched to the lair of the bureaucrats informing them whom should be afforded the gift of divinity. This Cabal memo clearly never reached Under user, who has started a vote calling for both candidates to receive adminship. "It's a disgrace, if we give them both admin rights who loses? That's the only reason I vote on these things," said unnamed cabal member ChiefjusticeDS, whose voice has been disguised in order that he remain anonymous. Meanwhile, over on the forums, Magic man proposed a meeting of the Uncyclopedians in some kind of convention, probably to be held 2 minutes walk from where he lives, slap bang in the middle of not-where-you-live-'s ville. Modusoperandi agreed with Magic man, saying "None of us are in jail," while Dexter111344 called it a "Horrific idea," which is certainly how this newspaper would react to any idea that involved meeting Dexter111344 in person without the presence of several Police officers. Finally, Dr. Skullthumper has embarked on another quest of utter pointlessness, deploying his bot and himself to "convert HTML" all over the wiki. Pity him. He knows not what he does. Uncyclopedia in the news again
 In an age of information overload and astonishingly inaccurate Internet posts, it's reassuring that at least one website strives to be inaccurate at all times. That website is Sign on San Diego, a parody of a news website which bills itself as having all sorts of "Hot Topics" for the people of San Diego and anyone else who might be interested. Recent Sign on San Diego headlines include: "San Diego's air pollution among worst in nation", "Man robs downtown restaurant" and "Reward offered in transient assault case". This leads us to the article that they mentioned, which was about the "fast-rising" Biffy Clyro, the article is in dire need of rewriting but we know better than most not to let quality stand in the way of meeting journalistic deadlines. The crux of the matter is that Biffy Clyro are playing a show in San Diego, which you should attend, provided you aren't dying of air pollution, being robbed in restaurants or assaulted. The article also mentioned <insert name here>'s sterling and exemplary contributions to Uncyclopedia since they joined. The truth is, alas, somewhat less colourful. Naruto
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 06:19, April 28, 2011 (UTC)
Signpost Un[edit | edit source]
Now with 20% more ninjas!
May 5th, 2011 • Issue 119 • I sense a great disturbance in the force.
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VFS ends. Apathy grips wiki.
 Those of you who were busy having sex with ladies/men/melons on Saturday evening will have stumbled onto the wiki and discovered that there are in fact two new administrators stumbling around the wiki. Since none of you can find things out for yourself, you have sat, baffled, waiting for the UnSignpost to arrive like a beacon: VFS has drawn to a conclusion and the unlucky losers are Lyrithya and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user. Following the announcement and the ritual slaying of a goat that Zombiebaron always insists upon before any new administrators may make use of their powers, the two victors went straight back to what they had been doing before - looking at depraved images on the internet, categorising, looking at fetish porn and indeed categorising fetish porn. Scandal immediately ensued; administrators do not categorise. This not being enough, however, the UnSignpost has taken to the streets of Uncyclopedia to find out what the community thinks about the new additions to the Cabal. The first place our journalists visited was the Ministry of Love, which stands at the centre of Uncyclopedia's financial district, or it would if Uncyclopedia had a financial district. We were thrilled to speak to the duty Cabal representative Zombiebaron, who, when pressed about the empirical significance of the VFS result, slammed his hand down on the table and exclaimed "Zombiebaron". It would seem that a great deal of things are in fact Zombiebaron: the likelihood of the new administrators being embroiled in scandal and VFS voting in general, to name but a few. We also got the opportunity to sit down with Mhaille after he fell out of a vent as we were leaving and find out what he thought of Lyrithya and Socky being administrators. "In theory its a nice idea, but I wouldn't like to see it in practice" he replied "There are far more deserving people who have only recently discovered the site and hold overinflated opinions of themselves who would be better suited". Before we could explain that the VFS has actually taken place, Mhaille collapsed from dehydration and, not wishing to make a fuss, we left him in the lobby. It turns out nobody is particularly bowled over by the result of the VFS; the result having been obvious for about 2 weeks now, this lead to the announcement being met with grunts and sighs about "The state of things". We decided to see what Socky and Lyrithya had to say about their new powers. "It feels invigorating. Though somehow, I hardly feel a difference," mused Socky. "It's like being castrated" he added... with his eyes. Lyrithya, meanwhile, was not available to comment, which shows that she is taking her new role seriously, namely by leaving shortly after being appointed in the style of the greats of 2006. Mordillo is Dead!  Uncyclopedia's most Mordillo, who had been hunted by Uncyclopedia since disappearing into hiding in early March, died in the early hours of Monday morning (local time) after a group of 25 US Navy SEALS breached his lavish compound in Abbottabad. The Cabal has yet to acknowledge the death of one of their most senior members of staff; this is simply because they are all far too busy crying. Some conspiracy theorists have suggested that Mordillo was extracted from the safehouse in the early hours of Sunday morning and replaced with Osama Bin Laden. These lunatics cite the bearded aspect of the victim and his radical Islamic tendencies, which we cannot now see, as so-called "evidence". Rumours that Mordillo has fled to western Europe are unconfirmed drivel and you are discouraged from looking for him without a submarine, since his body was buried at sea in order to save you footing the bill for having any photographs developed. Uncyclopedians around the world have been warned to brace themselves for possible retaliation from Mordillo's cohorts and reminded to live in abject fear of authority at all times. For now you can sleep peacefully in your beds at night because Mordillo is certainly dead, oh yes, can't get much more dead than the dead he is now... |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:16, 5 May 2011
The Signpost is delivered to all God-fearing citizens[edit | edit source]
The Newspaper Whose Mom Said It Was Cool!
May 12th, 2011 • Issue 120 • Now with no liberal bias!
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Uncyclopedia  After coercing my children/wife into silence and praising the lord Jesus Christ for my newspaper, my toothpaste, the constitution and this great nation, I decided that some time on the internet would bring the morning to an appropriately spiritual conclusion. "Praise the Lord," I murmured as the computer hummed into life; all seemed right in the world as the Lord unendingly smote the unrighteous in my desktop background. Conservapedia recognises that liberalism is spreading and nowhere is this more obvious than Uncyclopedia, which mocks the Lord by using one of his divine creations (a potato) for a logo and being entirely dedicated to spreading lies and half-truths, something we know nothing about at Conservapedia. The site is a temple of blasphemy, gayness and, inevitably, liberalism. As I was being disgusted by the liberalism of the font on the main page and the colour of the links, I was astounded to come across a man asking other men to risk their virtue in a game of strip poker with him. All young men should take heed and embrace God, not Olipro. Poker is also for girls. The so-called forums (a liberal Greek invention) harbor further discussion of user rights; the liberals are erecting their false idols and they venerate these idols and bestrew them with titles. The discussion of the week was over who was the most liberal of the most liberal liberals and which of them should be raised above the others for further worship. Words fail; I had lied to myself (a sin for which I shall be punished) that liberalism was a passing fad, but these people are obsessed with the restriction of their spiritual and physical abilities through their hollow attempts at humor. This Zombiebaron will get his reward in Hell. His very username mocks the Almighty and he shall be punished for his attempted levity. This community is a threat to children, happiness and America. Don't burn with them.  This community of half-wits, liberals, crazies and liberals will burn in Hell, but until that glorious moment of candescence, it is as well that they amuse themselves and only incriminate themselves further in the eyes of the Lord (I do not want to meet any reformed crazies in Heaven). One of Uncyclopedia's faux Gods, MadMax, has conceived a competition to amuse the masses and likely stir homosexual feelings within them. Notice we used the word conceive because it is the only thing MadMax, who is an ABORTIONIST, probably, will ever conceive. Here is how this competition will work: users will spawn articles of varying levels of depravity and sin, which will then be judged by a group of judges, unelected no less, who will select the article containing the most depraved acts and leather harnesses in which unmentionable acts will be perpetrated to be the victor. The person with the worst article is eliminated, sadly only from the competition, and the winners go on to face each other in some kind of orgy to see who will be the winner. This festival of depravity has been going on since last Sunday and this correspondent has no doubt that the only reason it is not finished yet is because liberals are famously lazy, a well known symptom of atheism and pro-choice views. We did not sit down with MadMax to discuss this competition; it was bad enough reading about it. MadMax has indicated his intention to hold the competition again on a larger scale if the trial goes well. We wish him the best of luck and an eternity in the very deepest pit of Hell. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 05:42, 12 May 2011
UnSignpost[edit | edit source]
83.54% more reliable than The Daily Mail
May 19th, 2011 • Issue 121 • The place where news goes to die!
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Voting Takes a Back Seat
Recently the UnSignpost has been made aware of an alarming development with potentially devastating consequences: Voting for monthly awards is less important than drama. As everyone flocked to the forums this week to register their morally outraged stance at the present system or at the people who are morally outraged at the present system, the UnSignpost headed to the award pages that time forgot, to take in the atmosphere and canvas the nominations for this month. The first page we looked at was Playwright of the month, an award for the author of the best UnScript this month. Recipients of this award have provided pretty much every UnScript ever due to the general lack of UnScript articles churned out every month. The last winner was Guildensternenstein, back in February, and since then voting has descended into n00b of the month territory as this month's nominee Ljlego storms ahead of the pack of er... nobody with a score of "Your Dad is Bi". Meanwhile, Article Narrator of the Month is even more desolate, with no nominees for this month and the last winner being Electrified mocha chinchilla, a situation which is commonly agreed that it is a death knell for absolutely any award. Our experts believe that the lack of recorded articles is because no blind people read Uncyclopedia, and nobody wants their article read to them by Electrified mocha chinchilla; it would be like a bed-time story from hell. The "only blind people need audio because everybody else has a pair of eyes" label has also been ascribed (by a highly paid team of consultants and I) to the Emmanuel Goldstein Award of Excellence in the Distribution of Misinformation, which this month is being contested by a user who isn't here and Dexter111344; unsurprisingly, Dexter is losing (why break the habbit of a lifetime?). Ultimately there are hundreds of awards starving to death on Uncyclopedia as newer users have no idea they exist; there are hundreds of shiny baubles on offer for a user with the will to go out and get them. Incidentally, VFH, UotM, VFP, VFD, NotM, WotM and RotM could use some attention, too. Remember, voting lubricates the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia and you wouldn't want Uncyclopedia to break, would you? Also we have a huge selection of ninjastars just rusting over here. Somebody you know must deserve one! The Forum
 Since we have been forced to accept that the forums aren't an entirely useless part of the website, we have decided to quickly zip through without talking to anybody, naturally, and bring you the most happeningest news from this correspondent's least favourite namespace, save for UnDictionary (It's just words, I can't stand words). First up and most important, or so we are told, is the vote for Unimage of the year. Apparently, some of you have been failing in your voting duties, and we would like to single out one person who has failed to vote on this page and that is JackOfSpades. Now, JackOfSpades has been around for the last week and yet he has not voted; the UnSignpost and the expectant world call on JackOfSpades to come forward and explain exactly what he thinks he is playing at. Now while JackOfSpades has been highlighted for his crippling laziness, it could just as easily have been you: Sycamore/Sonje/Romartus. We're going to turn off the lights on the page and when we turn them back on, if some votes just happen to have appeared we'll say no more about it. It would obviously be entirely wrong not to mention the drama we have had on the forum this week, so here goes: There has been some drama on the forum this week. Happy Thursday. |
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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:08, 19 May 2011
Your back[edit | edit source]
Is very nice. ~ 01:51, 21 May 2011
- Thank you--- 02:27, May 21, 2011 (UTC)
Your snack[edit | edit source]
Looks tasty. Is that Doritos? Can I have some? --
Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 02:11, 21 May 2011
- Sure, for ten dollars--- 02:28, May 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Grumbles* *Hands over ten dollars*. --
Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 02:50, 21 May 2011
- Nice doing business with you. And because I feel nice today, I'll give you two bags of Doritos. Enjoy--- 03:09, May 21, 2011 (UTC)
- Well, thanks. You deserve a lollipop for that.
- Grumbles* *Hands over ten dollars*. --
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YOU HAVE BEEN AWARDED A BLUE RASPBERRY LOLLIPOP
Lollipop has awarded Iwillkillyou333/Archive 5 a blue raspberry lollipop.
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-- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 03:11, 21 May 2011
- My Favorite! *enjoys lollipop*--- 03:15, May 21, 2011 (UTC)
Please adopt this humble n00b 3: preferably without the "complimentary rape" I received from the last two people I tried. Daniblovespie 11:37, May 22, 2011 (UTC)daniblovespie
Sure, I'm always lookin for noon to adopt.--- 14:26, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
Thank You ^_^--Daniblovespie 18:04, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
Oh, and do I add the adopted template to my page?--Daniblovespie 18:05, May 22, 2011 (UTC)
Yeah, just to show people you've been adopted by me.--- 14:24, May 23, 2011 (UTC)
kay ^_^--Daniblovespie 23:42, May 23, 2011 (UTC)
about the pee review of the Deviantart pee review[edit | edit source]
I wonder where the randomness came from.aside of the bill cosby/llama kidnapping thingies which are not written by me(i'll take care of that later.),most of that in my opinion is true.And The fantards in deviantart are really *THAT* evil.Just try giving a Yaoi/furry artist in deviantart constructive critcism.The only things wrong i spotted are the lists, which i will find a way of taking care of.Any place of randomness worth mentioning?--Fcukman 04:04, May 25, 2011 (UTC)
Phnerb unsignpost[edit | edit source]
Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth
May 26th, 2011 • Issue 122 • News? Where we're going we don't need news!
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Weekly update
The big news of the week is that Obama has gone to the UK to talk to some people about some important things. However, since we're stuck reporting on whatever you people have posted in the forums this week, we don't get to report on interesting things like that; we don't even have any blatant bias to crudely insert into any and all of our stories. Incidentally, asylum seekers are no help at all. But enough of those profound thoughts - let's talk Uncyclopedia! This week saw the return of Dawg. For those of you don't know, Dawg is an Uncyclopedian from the days of yore when Uncyclopedians sported in Elysium and all the problems lay ahead. Hurrah, welcome back Dawg. Deciding that the mere sight of his signature on talk pages did not send the appropriate spasms of joy to the loins of every active and inactive Uncyclopedian, Dawg decided to deop Lyrithya and ban her for two years, an action guaranteed to stir the loins of even the most miserable Uncyclopedian. Obviously this was an unforgivable abuse of power and the people demand cake; it's better for you than blood, supposedly. Dr. Skullthumper has also embarked on yet another voyage of busy work as his proposal to semi-protect all featured articles forever sailed through the forums on Wednesday. The UnSignpost is one hundred percent behind Dr. Skullthumper in this, his latest foray into "Doing what must be done despite you all," that is until someone decides it was a stupid idea two years from now, in which case Dr. Skullthumper is a twarse and a racist. In other news, Nachlader has sacked everyone due to Uncyclopedia's poor performance in the last fiscal year, and Bacon is made of Pigs and win. Finally, ebil wikia turned off image uploading which, as any school child knows, THEY ACTUALLY CANNOT DO, BY LAW. It was only for a couple of hours and it only really affected people in America, so who cares? Wikia have turned it on again now, so you may recommence uploading horrible images of yourself/your penis/somebody else's penis without fear of being interrupted by completely unnecessary essential maintenance. UnNews
UnNews is in crisis; with SPIKE absent and Zim ulator likely high as a kite somewhere, there can be no doubt that UnNews lacks a leader. Discussions are presently taking place to decide who should fill the entirely fabricated position at the top of UnNews. Obviously voting is the way forwards, since anything decided without a vote is probably secretly designed to bring the site down around our ears. TheHumbucker appears to be the first choice for UnNews leader, indeed the only person who isn't sure he is competent is TheHumbucker. Olipro confesses himself to be unsure about all this voting; speaking privately, Olipro said "Nobody ever voted for me when I was in charge of UnNews, and it didn't not do me no harm or nothing," a sentiment this correspondent shares exactly, we think. All views are appreciated in this discussion, except views that disagree with what we have already decided. While we are on a completely unrelated topic, get some voting done on VFH; this correspondent is entirely dissatisfied with the lackadaisical approach to voting adopted by most of you. It's almost as if you don't climax every single time you do it... everyone does that right? |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, May 26, 2011 (UTC)
Will you Adopt Me?[edit | edit source]
I need a dad and the name Iwillkillyou sounds promising. Big Duck 22:12, June 4, 2011 (UTC)
The UnSignpost: Best before Friday![edit | edit source]
The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!
June 2nd, 2011 • Issue 123 • The only periodical that calls you back!
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Logo Pogo, what's our Vector Victor?
Those of you who aren't still reeling from the ingenuity and wit contained in the title for this story are just the kind of humour-hating Nazis who are killing this place, one "witty" article at a time, who will, naturally, have noticed that the logo has undergone a design change. This change came after several of our power hungry administrators noticed the shadowing on the old logo. Not noticed the shadowing on the old logo yet? Well head straight to the image page and look at the shadowing on the old logo. We here at the UnSignpost are utterly gobsmacked that we lived and indeed loved alongside such shoddy work, just look at the shadowing! The more you look the angrier you become; it's incredible, just what the hell was Rcmurphy thinking when he created the shadowing on the old logo!? Of course this is all untrue, the old logo is basically fine but the new one suggests that we aren't all the ten-thumbed Orangutans that <insert name here> is and that we might know something about cricket and opera. In other words, its beauty and three dimensions hide the depressing truth and, according to Dr. Skullthumper, will probably cure AIDS and bring peace to the Middle-East as well. The creator of the brand new logo is none other than Lyrithya, who wasn't available for comment at the time of going to press, but would probably would want to say something about how she owes everything to ChiefjusticeDS. A quick scan of the forum reveals only one forum topic about the new logo, making it about ten times more popular than Wikia and Jesus combined.  The other interesting development is also the development of some kind of new skin for the wiki which is presently being flaunted on a forum and on your gadgets page where you can tick a box to experience it for yourself, just like voting really. This is once again courtesy of Lyrithya, someone who just doesn't take "Meh" for an answer. The general opinion of the community regarding these changes is difficult to gauge, especially if you don't read any of the forum topics. Speaking anonymously, Mhaille expressed doubts about Vector, stating that the changes were "Only skin deep," but said that any discussion over which was better was "Just plain racist". Rank admins!
 Those of you who have heard of Rate Your Admins (or RYA if you wear sunglasses inside) need not read this story; simply scroll back to the top, read the right hand column and ask again just how does that sexy admin do it. Which segues us neatly onto the thrust of this story: Frosty has revived the original RYA, a system by which users would give the active admins a score out of ten on various categories and then the admins would have a reason to get up the next day. The new system is very similar to the old one, exactly the same, some would say, and all it needs is your contribution. The UnSignpost spoke to Sockpuppet of an unregistered user about RYA and he said "I once killed a man," but don't let that put you off; he's actually really well-adjusted. Voting couldn't be simpler. You just go to the page of the relevant admin and then you click edit (with us so far?) then you put zero in every box and press save. Don't worry; the chances of them knowing where you live are extremely remote so it's literally consequence-free, almost. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:09, June 2, 2011 (UTC)
WOTM[edit | edit source]
Thank you so much for your vote for May Writer of the Month, I really appreciate it! -- Sf13 
0059 EST 6 June 2011
- Your welcome.--- 12:02, June 8, 2011 (UTC)
Hurrah, it's the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]
May contain traces of humor!
June 9th, 2011 • Issue 124 • The only periodical that remains aerodynamic at high speeds!
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It's serious business
 To celebrate the creation of a new ignorable policy, the UnSignpost is covering all the srs biz that has taken place on Uncyclopedia this week. Once again, Lyrithya and her unending quest to "improve" the wiki takes the top story; not content with replacing the potato logo originally created by Rcmurphy, she has created a forum (yes another one) in which she displays the new logos she has created, all wonderful and three dimensional. Dr. Skullthumper appears to have been so entranced by the the shadowing on these new logos that he is currently proposing that we allow Lyrithya to do whatever she wants, then we can only assume it will begin to rain marshmallows and then Jesus will return so that he may bless the new logos in person. Everyone loves the new logos except for Lollipop, whose home-grown logo offerings have been snubbed... one of these days he will probably buy a gun and then kill every single one of us. The Ministry of Love has a new topic on it. This is news in its own right, but it would be just plain lazy for us not to tell you what it was. In other news, Sycamore has called for all Real Nigga's to report to the Village Dump. Sycamore, who was born and raised in West Philadelphia, was unable to justify this course of action as he had one little fight and has been forced to go and live with his Aunt and Uncle in Bel Air. The UnSignpost is sure that hilarity is certain to ensue and predicts that Sycamore may well be writing horrendously bad rap music in as little as three years time. Finally it seems that the in-fighting, backstabbing and constant evil that emanates from all the current admins (with the possible exception of Modusoperandi) has not discouraged users from wanting to be just like them. The UnSignpost wonders why anybody would ever aspire to be part of a group that not only has Olipro in it but also boasts a whole one and a half women and she is maladjusted. The crippling deficiencies of Uncyclopedia's admin group haven't stopped Joe9320 from asking to be one; on being asked why he wants to be an admin, he cited no reason at all. He just does and, apparently, so should you. Also, Magic man wanted to be in the UnSignpost this week, so he is. VFS/B
 When Uncyclopedians aren't looking at depraved Horse porn or voting on articles referencing Horse porn, they are to be found gazing in wonder at VFS to see just what those barmy administrators have come up with next. Well, sort of. Currently VFS is not given over to the process of sandwich voting, but to a vote on whether to hold nominations for a preliminary round of voting for the people to administer the results of further voting, but only if there has been a vote first. In short, the admins are deciding whether or not to have some more bureaucrats. Since all of you have read Jimbo Wales fantastic works: "The Pricing of Index Options When the Underlying Assets All Follow a Lognormal Diffusion" and "Me and my ample piles. Of Money" you all know the ins and outs of the role, but we will remind you anyway. Bureaucrats give out user rights; if Uncyclopedia was a city the users would be the citizens, the vandals would be the criminals, the administrators would be the Police and Bureaucrats would be the people who send Police officers annoying notes about filling in forms and the importance of chilling their packed lunches. Currently the vote is plus four in favour so it looks like voting on sandwiches will be suspended for another month, a tragedy which two months ago seemed a very remote possibility. We would urge you to vote but you all know the form by now, just remember that Bureaucrats tend to go... missing. We sat down with absentee Bureaucrat and hilarious moustache owner Mhaille to get his opinion of the vote: "If you master the 5 D's no amount of balls on Earth can hit you" Mhaille responded before beating our reporter savagely with a sack of wrenches, so there is some definite food for thought there. Cross your legs folks, it looks like there will be another vote coming to your computer screens very soon. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, June 9, 2011 (UTC)
UnSignpost Activate![edit | edit source]
Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!
June 16th, 2011 • Issue 125 • Adopt a mad Bear today... please, they're closing in.
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CURSE YOU!
It's time for the mid-month, mid-week, midnight round-up of Uncyclopedia, named this week for the mutual love and admiration currently flying back and forth on the Village Dump. The big news this week is that VFC has opened for voting, with almost every active administrator being nominated along with <insert name here>. After a whole day of voting, Zombiebaron has taken a commanding lead, racking up 14 votes, with Thekillerfroggy and Modusoperandi sitting in second and third. Our correspondent described the scenes on the page as "Sickening" as the leaders compete to see who can be the most dashing chap and concede victory to his fellows in the noblest manner possible. The UnSignpost was able to talk to Zombiebaron about the race: "Zombiebaron," he stated confidently on being asked whom he thought would prevail; on being asked who he would like to see stripped naked, smeared with Jam and fed to killer ants, he responded "Zombiebaron," and when pressed as to why he conceded that the matter was indeed "Zombiebaron". Moving on from the sickening gayery taking place on VFC, the village dump brings us the conflict and hatred that made Uncyclopedia as doomed as it is today. First PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that admins should not protect forum pages while discussion was taking place, in return the administrative body suggested that PuppyOnTheRadio should probably put some clothes on before going outside. Elsewhere on the dump, Dr. Skullthumper is doing his best to keep himself in pointless busy-work by proposing that we recategorise everything into a set of new categories within a new namespace which in turn will be within a new namespace. The practical upshot being that Dr. Skullthumper has a reason to haul himself out of bed every morning, a truly noble goal; this entire wiki having being founded around a very similar aim. Finally it seems that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 list has ground to a halt and has become Roman Dog Bird's very own personal playground and, as amusing as it is to watch him make entries about his bowel movements, his friends bowel movements, and bumsex, there aren't that many reflections on 2011. Since we passed the halfway point of the year a few weeks ago it was with some dismay that we discovered that we are still 66 reflections away from completing the task before the annual Cabal broadcast at the end of the year. This is a large crisis. Everybody should spend at least 10 minutes of the coming week running frantically around their house panicking about the impending crisis and the consequences of such a large crisis. Someone should also add new reflections to the list, but not before completing the requisite ten minutes of panic. Skully's formspring declared "national pastime of Uncyclopedia" In a bizarre twist of social networking, local user Dr. Skullthumper has created an account on the popular website formspring.me. Almost immediately the famed Uncyclopedia administrator was bombarded with questions about his sexuality, his sister, and propositions of considerable indecency. So amusing were his answers that for several hours wiki contributors ceased editing altogether to think up more clever questions to ask him. "I was looking for a place to gloat about my ban," says Equivamp, a self-proclaimed sufferer of Erectile Dysfunction. "But I was too scared to come on IRC. That's where all the rapes happen. Luckily I found one of the dozens of links to this guy's formspring that everyone's been talking about. Finally, a place to insult Uncyclopedia safely!" But even such a positive story as this brings humanity's dark side to light once more. Kip the Dip has revealed himself to be one of the most prejudiced users in Uncyclopedian history, believing the entire website to be constructed for his people alone. Several anonymous users have taken to slandering the almighty goddess Lyrithya, who continues to shower us with holy goods such as proper bloody code and images that don't look like they were shat out of MS Paint. And as for Skully, the sheer amount of time he has spent answering questions has forced him to forgo sleep for several nights in a row now. Despite these setbacks, Skully says he will "continue to do what must be done", and "hurrrrrrrrrrrrrghCOFFEE". |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, June 16, 2011 (UTC)
Catch it. Kill it. Bin it. It's the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]
The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!
June 23rd, 2011 • Issue 126 • The only periodical that will burn your house down... with lemons!
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Experimental Vectors
 This week Uncyclopedia stands on the brink of a momentous decision, a decision that will shape the future of the wiki and possibly society as we know it. Also, Lyrithya is proposing that we introduce the Vector skin as the default skin for the whole wiki. As is the custom on our planet a vote is currently happening in a forum, which isn't really news as everything around here is eventually resolved in that way. The vote currently stands at eleven votes in favour, with the people voting for praising Vector's enticing indentation and stylings and the against voters complaining that Vector isn't compatible with Windows 95 and doesn't display properly when loaded on a monitor last used to observe the 1969 Moon Landings. For voter and skin fetishist Ljlego launched a staunch defence of Vector, saying, "I hated Vector when I first saw it on Wikipedia," while against voter and Republican Aleister in Chains has complained that the skin doesn't work when he loads it on his ZX Spectrum; he has also found the real problem with the skin, namely, "Those huge tabs at the top, they look ridiculous. " Shabidoo, meanwhile, has decided to abstain, having been unable to make up his mind; his uncertainty about the new skin springs from a belief that, "This skin is much better than the last one." What a weirdo. The UnSignpost staff has switched to Vector and report that they have, on several occasions, found money in the street on the way home; who in their right mind would refuse to switch now? Vector does have several deficiencies which are, of course, all Lyrithya's fault. The much loved and coveted things to do page has disappeared from the sidebar, meaning that unless you search for it, you cannot find it. Incidentally, Science proves that searching for articles in the search box causes Cancer in 75% of everyone who does it. There are no other problems, except that the toolbox is set to be closed as default, Pee review is now below the facebook page link (this makes it appear less important), it doesn't make sandwiches, the edit button is on the wrong side, to watch pages I click a star (this is blatant Zionism), when I click the search box I type in a box inside the search box, and there is no link to the UnSignpost on the sidebar. If you have yet to try out the Vector skin go to your preferences page; you know you are there when the box with your optional real name in it appears. Click the gadgets tab and then select 'experimental Vector skin' from the list. Enjoy. Incidentally my real name is Archer, Leader of the Gorgonites. Fails QA  Now while the UnSignpost staff are currently contemplating a weekly box devoted to Dr. Skullthumper's latest fad for Uncyclopedia, we felt we absolutely had to cover his latest dalliance into saving us from the eternal fires to which we are so rightly condemned. QA is something you are no doubt familiar with; for those of you who aren't here is how to find out. The new revelation is the QA log; this is a splendid log for those of you who love to sit and stare at recent changes. Now you can stare at recent changes and the QA log. It basically catches people sneakily removing maintenance tags from articles in order that they may be punished for their anarchic tendencies. Dr. Skullthumper has said all of the above in forum, but that's what the UnSignpost is for - we read the forums and write a brief summary with more jokes and less whining. The aforementioned Physician would like feedback from users on how his new device works, so in short he would like you to go to his forum and tell him just how splendid it is that he has taken time out from his splendid schedule of splendid masturbation to splendidly improve this splendid site. Some of our readers have written to us to tell us what they think about this new tool: "Zombiebaron," said an anonymous letter. "Who is this?" asked RabbiTechno after phoning our hotline. "Please rush me my portable Walrus polishing kit. 4 Super brushes guaranteed to clean even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals." read a coupon sent to us by Under user. "Wow. Now that is VERY useful." read an email from MrN9000, titled "Re:The purpose of toilets" and "Help me. I'm trapped in a post office." wrote Mordillo, who hasn't been seen since March. The QA log is live and watching all of you at this very moment and reminds you that thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, June 23, 2011 (UTC)
The Un-Sigh-npost![edit | edit source]
Sucking Journalism's Fat Wang. Badly.
June 30th, 2011 • Issue 127 • Kills 99.9% of bacteria.... IN SECONDS!!
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Breasts
 You know what the problem is? You will shortly, because if there's something the UnSignpost does brilliantly, it is editorialise on matters of little or no significance to you or the people you know. The problem is the days of the week and the dates of the month are conspiring against the UnSignpost. As the UnSignpost team sat down on Sunday to play monopoly and, if there was time, lay out the foundations for this splendid periodical, some bright spark suggested that we cover the conclusion of VFS. What an excellent idea, we all agreed, and had completed an entire specialist 3D issue on that single topic, complete with free poster and balloons, when it was realised that we won't in fact know who has won until Thursday evening, by which time this periodical will have been dispatched and our team of journalists will once again be at home wanking themselves raw. So we binned that spectacular issue and persuaded our least able journalist to write the story instead; this was especially useful as we only have to pay him in hugs and Jelly Babies. So VFS trundles on into its final laborious stages; some of you may remember voting a long long time ago when it was still exciting and you checked the page every day to see how your favourite candidate was doing. Now the only people checking VFS every day are Thekillerfroggy and Zombiebaron, and only then because they are winning at the moment. Obviously all that is needed to recapture the attention of the average Uncyclopedian is a header proclaiming the existence of breasts and, of course, exclusive interviews with other Uncyclopedians! Regrettably only one of those is available right now and this being the UnSignpost you can probably guess which one.  "Well I do have a plan," said Thekillerfroggy when we interviewed him about his tactics for being the winner. When pressed, he revealed that "Well I can't reveal too much but I can say that my plan involves being the winner." Clearly TKF is playing the long game, but how about Zombiebaron? "Zombiecrat!" replied Zombiebaron when we asked how he would counter TKF's ambitious strategy to be the winner, which roughly translated means that Zombiebaron plans to be the winner as well. Third placed candidate Modusoperandi is currently sticking to his usual duties: sticking the occasional template on Ban Patrol and posting on the forums where he is occasionally racist; the best and wisest man any of us have ever known. The other obvious problem here is that we don't have any particularly active Bureaucrats (thus why we are holding this vote) to give the newly elected users their rights on Friday morning. However this is a minor detail since the voting is the fun part of any VFS and you all enjoyed that... right? Forest Fire
 As we were saying last week, Dr. Skullthumper really needs a hobby, preferably one that involves very long compulsory breaks from his computer. However, undeterred by such scathing criticism, Dr. Skullthumper and Lyrithya have decided, in the name of quality, to reform the maintenance templates, leaving a queue of articles on the timestamped maintenance categories as long as the list of women that Dr. Skullthumper isn't sleeping with. When we arrived to question the good doctor, Lyrithya demonstrated her commitment to the project by immediately saying "It was Dr. Skullthumper's fault," which at least shows she is a team player. Of course Dr. Skullthumper is far too busy to answer our questions, especially when there are problems to be solved and edit counts to be raised, so he has proposed another forest fire week because if there's anything more fun than sorting through hundreds of articles, it's tagging hundreds of them with templates. For those of you who have never seen a forest fire week it is essentially a week (duh) where users are encouraged to tag crap articles with a tag that gives them 7 days to live. All splendid and wholesome; the only issue being that for reasons best known to himself, Dr. Skullthumper has posted this idea in BHOP, so you actually have to go there in order to read it, sorry. Of course such an idea assumes that tagging articles is fun and I'm sure you will agree it is, if you are doing it once or twice a day. Once the seven days are over you'll wish that there was no Uncyclopedia, no internet and ultimately no choice! So hurry over to cast your all-important votes, and speed us on our way to misery and clerkly drudgery! |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:11, June 30, 2011 (UTC)
A proposal[edit | edit source]
Your sig was made by Zana Dark, who now is indefbanned. I am offering to make you a new signature if you're in for it. Up to you. -- Lollipop - CONTRIBS - WRITINGS - SHOP - Now adopting! - 21:19, 5 July 2011
- I'm still enjoying my sig at the moment. But tell you what, when I'm get bored with it I'll know who to go to. Thanks for the offer though.--- 21:21, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
It's free and it always will be; it's the UnSignpost![edit | edit source]
Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.
July 7th, 2011 • Issue 128 • Why not have some Yoghurt?
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The Final Solution
 The year is 2011, as you are obviously well aware, and Uncyclopedia once again faces a crisis that could very well shake the very foundations of the wiki and destroy the comedic soul of the userbase. Ha, fooled you, here is a story about a forum that nobody except Lyrithya has replied to. You all recall that last week we covered Dr. Skullthumper and his latest dalliance with quality control. Well, it seems that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user took exception to these changes, and he is determined to make a stand for justice, democracy and the The UnSignpost decided not to have an interview with anyone this week as it involves all sorts of complex logistical work and what can be charitably described as begging but rather has elected to have people answer any question with a random line from their talk page that they have said; we aren't completely unprofessional. The first person we didn't sit down with was Socky himself, to inform him that we were running this story. "That's... partially nice and partially creepy to hear." he responded. Asked why he opposed the reforms he said "The dark side is always my choice." which at least explains why he lives underneath a power station. Finally we asked what his proposed solution would be: "All I can say is that it's Arabic and I have a hunch it has "Allah" in it somewhere," he said enthusiastically (we imagine). We failed to ask Uncyclopedian every man Frosty what he thought about the conflict, he responded by saying "They are actually both kinda awful, so whatever. I cant be bothered." albeit he did say this on Tuesday... to someone else... about something completely different. Dr. Skullthumper rebutted Socky's accusations of Article Death Camps by saying "I've been an uptight fucker because I was on my periods" to RAHB, in 2008. Hopefully this will all accumulate with some kind of massive fight, hopefully with lasers... in space; this correspondent certainly hopes so. Competitions
 We here at the UnSignpost were out of writing material this week, and that doesn't just mean we have run out of pens, it means that VFS has concluded, nobody is really fighting about anything and most crucially there have been no writing competitions. Usually you can't move for Uncyclopedia competitions begging people to write something funny in the name of fun and games and with the promise of a shiny template should they do particularly well. Well Thekillerfroggy certainly noticed and it seems that every person who has ever hosted a competition ever was just waiting for him to ask since they are now all fighting over who gets to hold their writing competition first, by being incredibly gallant and insisting that everyone else go first. It's like watching a group of middle aged women discuss who will get to have the last Malteser: "Oh I really shouldn't, no you do it, you haven't had a Malteser in such a long time, I know I love them and being in charge of them but you asked nicely, oh do go on Mavis." You get the idea (obviously in this analogy Maltesers are writing competitions). We list the ideas floating around on the forum below for your 1) The PLS, last hosted by Sycamore in February. 2) The Article Whisperer last hosted by MadMax in October last year. 3) The Happy Monkey Competition hosted by Shabidoo in March. 4) Some hypothetical competition possibly hosted by Ljlego at some theoretical point this summer. One thing is for certain, one of these will happen, be sure to keep an eye on the forums to see what is being held when, that way you can not take part as a conscientious objection rather than just through ignorance. |
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~ Fnoodle (talk) (my creator) 00:10, July 7, 2011 (UTC)
Much Thanks for making Padmé[edit | edit source]
- Anytime man.--- 18:04, July 10, 2011 (UTC)