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Today's featured article (new every day) Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge. Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one. Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again! Hold on... Why is my hair roller in here? Wait... This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill? Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault. Just a minute... WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...) Recently featured: John Marshall You Rob Gronkowski Kirkification Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured) ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now? ... that this in not a DYK entry? ... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it? ... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio? ... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured) ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks? ... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill? ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case? ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it? ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you? ... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter? ... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die? ... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured) ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now? ... that this in not a DYK entry? ... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it? ... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio? ... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured) ... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks? ... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill? ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case? ... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it? ... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you? ... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter? ... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die? ... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured) ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%? ... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory? ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged? ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now? ... that this in not a DYK entry? ... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it? ... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?	In the news 1977-2026 US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about On this day... February 19: Alt + F4 Day 1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess. 1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion. 1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake. 1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements. 1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words. 1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future. 1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed.
Today's featured picture Imagine a world in which the sum of all human knowledge is in your hand. Image credit: SunnyChow View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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