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Today's featured article (new every day) Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge. Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one. Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again! Hold on... Why is my hair roller in here? Wait... This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill? Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault. Just a minute... WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...) Recently featured: Why?:Is there a monkey in my fridge? John Marshall You Rob Gronkowski Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio? ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living? ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around? ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit? ... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop? ... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin? ... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class? ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny? ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away? ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time? ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more? ... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die? ... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050? ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink? ... that the police are at your door? ... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio? ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living? ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around? ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit? ... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop? ... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin? ... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class? ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny? ... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured) ... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away? ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time? ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more? ... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die? ... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050? ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink? ... that the police are at your door? ... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio? ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living? ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around? ... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit? ... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop? ... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin? ... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class? ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?	In the news "Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about On this day... February 20: Hot Garbage Day 1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California. 1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding. 1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out. 1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about. 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space. 2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English.
Today's featured picture The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it. Image credit: Serge Billault View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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