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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
- ... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
- ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
- ... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
- ... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
 - ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
- ... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
- ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
- ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
- ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
- ... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
 - ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
- ... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
- ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
- ... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
- ... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
- ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
- ... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
- ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
- ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
- ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
- ... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
- ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
- ... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
- ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
- ... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
- ... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 14: American π Day
- 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
- 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
- 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
- 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
- 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
- 2004 - The day Krabs fries
- 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
- 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.
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