Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that you actually didn't know?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... the muffin man?

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... the muffin man?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that nobody asked?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?

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In the news
Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths*: Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • DMV* - the TV show, not the actual DMV. It ended on a cliffhanger: Everyone was still waiting for their number to be called. • Mr. Strickland Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes
On this day...
March 29: National Treason Day 30 AD - Judas Iscariot betrays his best friend Jesus for a Coke, gets a Pepsi from the Sanhedrin instead. Heartbroken, he hangs himself. 1792 - King Gustav III of Sweden is assassinated when conspirators remove the structural dowels in his HATTEFJÄLL office chair. 1847 - American troops sack the Mexican city of Veracruz, steal the secrets of the fish taco from its denizens. 1857 - Indian Sepoys mutiny against the British after being forced to endure their take on Indian cuisine. 1951 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are arrested for giving the Soviet Union secrets of the nuclear family. 1973 - William Calley, U.S. Army officer responsible for the My Lai Massacre, is given numerous high-fives for his "epic" K/D ratio. 2019 - The United Kingdom leaves the EU, as per the deal, the entire British Isles will be towed into the Bermuda Triangle. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

Doctors recommend breastfeeding to keep the population down.

Image credit: MoneySign
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Jesus! Only 2 days left to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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