Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?

... that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (Pictured)

... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.

... that there's only one way to party? (Pictured)

... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that nobody asked?
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?

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In the news
"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths*: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy* (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes
On this day...
February 21: Put Off Learning a Foreign Language Day 1848 - Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish The Communist Manifesto, 100 billion people instantly die. 1918 - The last Carolina Parakeet dies after calling the local constable a cracker. (Pictured) 1948 - Lazy people create NASCAR to have a sport where you can sit the whole time. 1952 - Winston Churchill wonders how he can get away with being such a flaming racist. 1965 - Malcom X is assassinated by the Nation of Islam, which is a real Nation of Islam sort of thing to do. 2017 - You uninstall the Duolingo app on your phone after you can't commit to 15 minutes of learning Spanish a day. Ay pobrecito. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

Artist representation of the famous Charge of the Chainsaw Brigade, a pivotal moment on the road to victory which demonstrated the wisdom of bringing Canadian lumberjacks into the war.

Image credit: Asahatter
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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