Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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<insert name here> has joined the chat!: <<insert name here>> Hello!; <<insert name here>> Hellooo ...; <<insert name here>> ...; <Piefan29> ...; <<insert name here>> Finally, someone to talk to! So wasup?; <Piefan29> Dw u liek pie; <<insert name here>> Huh? What?; <Piefan29> Дu чц likёё pie??; <<insert name here>> Are you asking me if I like pie?; <Piefan29> .du u?; <Piefan29> iets a simpul qstin; <<insert name here>> Yeah, I guess. What's your deal man?; <Piefan29> Whatt kinnees; <<insert name here>> Apple, cherry, blueberry, boston cream etc.; <Piefan29> etc?; <Piefan29> wht is etc pie?; <<insert name here>> etc. means continued; <<insert name here>> Are you okay in the head?; <Piefan29> Il asc ta qstins here !
<insert name here> has dropped the chat.

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Did you know...

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?

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In the news
Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise (pictured) THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES! Hit videogame Deltarune about to be released tomorrow!!! New York Knicks throw tantrum, fire head coach for barely missing the NBA Finals Elevation Worship's Chris Brown filling in for mainstream Chris Brown until further notice Taylor Swift buys back her masters "Real" Timothee Chalamet at 2024 look-alike contest actually Finn Wolfhard Qatar personally gifts Trump a plane Austria wins Eurovision MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!! Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big." Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank PBS and NPR to lose funding Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!) Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG and Stranger Things 5 • Russian Invasion • Gaza war • Trump and Elon's breakup • The IRS hunting late tax payers • NBA finals and Stanley Cup • Aaron Rodgers finally signing with a team Recent deaths: George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 • Rick Derringer • Carolina Hurricanes' choke job in the playoffs • New York Knicks' surprisingly kickass season and coach's tenure • Fear Street: Prom Queen • John Redcorn • Brian Grazer's career and livelihood, and anyone's respect for him Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • New York Knicks' future success • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes
On this day...
June 7: Execute a Journalist Day (Iran) 5000 BC - Wheel reinvented after initial square-shape design doesn't do the thing wheels are supposed to. 100 BC - Persia detains Greek journalists covering the Battle of Thermopylae. 212 BC - Archimedes arrested for indecent exposure. (Pictured) 1222 - Mary had a little lamb, with tumeric, black pepper and some olive oil. 1893 - Mohandas Gandhi commits his first act of civil disobedience by neglecting to pay a traffic ticket. 1905 - Norway files for divorce from Sweden after ninety-one years of agonizing marriage. 1981 - Israel bombs a nuclear reactor in Iran in celebration of the Jewish holiday Shavuot. 2010 - Mick Jagger finally gets some satisfaction, is later arrested behind a local Nando's. 2012 - Mick Jagger no longer has sympathy for the Devil, and is banished to hell. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

One of God's many duties involves making sure all the world's contributions are of an acceptable standard. Unfortunately this involves the tedious task of clearing out a large amount of crap every so often. Dissidents who note that this stamping and clearing arbitrarily kills millions are placed on the "naughty" list.

Image credit: Spang
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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