Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Welcome to Uncyclopedia,
the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.
40,968 articles in English
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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

Did you know...

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  • ... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
  • ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
  • ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
  • ... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
  • ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
  • ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
  • ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
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  • ... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)
  • ... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
  • ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
  • ... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
  • ... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
  • ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
  • ... the muffin man?
  • ... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
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  • ... that torture is better to give than to receive?
  • ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
  • ... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
  • ... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
  • ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
  • ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
  • ... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
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In the news

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Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein FilesWar Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: BuffyXander HarrisRobert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • *DMV* - the TV show, not the actual DMV. It ended on a cliffhanger: Everyone was still waiting for their number to be called. • Mr. Strickland

Upcoming deaths: IranMahmoud AhmadinejadAtlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora

On this day...

*Sheev scream*

March 29: National Treason Day

Today's featured picture

Breastfeeding
Doctors recommend breastfeeding to keep the population down.

Image credit: MoneySign
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More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Articles to fix | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about...

Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Jesus! Only 2 days left to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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