Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.

This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.

What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that the White House is really off-white?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that nobody asked?
... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes**
On this day...
March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday 44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured) 1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella. 1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family. 1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius. 1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff. 2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

GI Jew: The Movie is a 2006 remake of the classic Torah! Torah! Torah! of 1967 fame. The remake underwent many names before GI Jew was chosen, including Hebrews with Hutzpah and Israel is Real.

Image credit: RadicalX
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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