Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that Gerry Adams IS the Lord of the Dance? (Pictured)

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... that the police are at your door?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that the White House is really off-white?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that the butler did it?

... that Hans Helmuth Saltzman's collection of Camera Obscura images is the best preserved of the Renaissance era? (Pictured)

... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?

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In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes**
On this day...
March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey. 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades. 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it. 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi. 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper. 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months. 2026 - a Plane has love affair with A track, making the worlds first Plane-Firetruck hybrid. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

The Pontius Pilot is infamous for some functionality issues. One typical complaint is that the Microsoft Crucifixion program often crucified incorrect and important data, such as the Messiah. Thankfully for its users, the file would miraculously reappear two days later after descending to the Recycle Bin, not three as some mathematically illiterate biblical scholars would tell you.

Image credit: Savethemooses
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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