Uncyclopedia:April Fools/2014

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Mathematics (from Greek άθημα máthēma, “knowledge, study, learning”) is the systematic torture of students disguised as the study of quantity, structure, space, and change. Mathematicians seek out patterns and formulate new conjectures, trying to make sense of the universe by examining these abstract concepts, determining common traits, and then experimenting to see if this advanced knowledge will help them get women into bed. These conjectures are often faulty, and this subsequent failure is referred to as mathematical proof.

Galileo Galilei (1564–1642) said, "The universe cannot be read until we have learned the language and become familiar with the characters in which it is written. It is written in mathematical language... Without these, one is wandering about in a dark labyrinth". He was also condemned by the church for heresy, and the only surviving body part of his is his middle finger on his right hand. This is currently kept at the Museo Galileo in Florence, Italy, allowing him to give the finger to the Catholic Church from beyond the grave. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that Nelson Mandela (Pictured) was a cunt?

... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... that your fly is unzipped?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!

... that the Angel of Death is after you? (Pictured)

... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... the muffin man?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?

Archive – Suggest new entries

In the news
Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Elite Eight Recent deaths: Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • DMV-based sitcom canned after people realize they can watch literally anything else • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too UnNews – Podcast – Subscribe via iTunes**
On this day...
March 29: National Treason Day 30 AD - Judas Iscariot betrays his best friend Jesus for a Coke, gets a Pepsi from the Sanhedrin instead. Heartbroken, he hangs himself. 1792 - King Gustav III of Sweden is assassinated when conspirators remove the structural dowels in his HATTEFJÄLL office chair. 1847 - American troops sack the Mexican city of Veracruz, steal the secrets of the fish taco from its denizens. 1857 - Indian Sepoys mutiny against the British after being forced to endure their take on Indian cuisine. 1951 - Julius and Ethel Rosenberg are arrested for giving the Soviet Union secrets of the nuclear family. 1973 - William Calley, U.S. Army officer responsible for the My Lai Massacre, is given numerous high-fives for his "epic" K/D ratio. 2019 - The United Kingdom leaves the EU, as per the deal, the entire British Isles will be towed into the Bermuda Triangle. Archive – View tomorrow

Today's featured picture

During the early to mid-1990s, drive-by giraffing was a major problem throughout Europe and Africa. Since then numbers have reduced, following a pact between rival gangs. However, they are on the rise in Los Angeles once again, particularly in and around the zoo, as African giraffe's attempt to reestablish dominance in their neighborhoods.

Image credit: RadicalX
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Writer and Uncyclopedian of the Month, and Noob of the Moment

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Jesus! Only 2 days left to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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