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It’s nothing personal, it's just business. I mean, I don’t hate you; I just have to put an ice axe in your head, in the nicest way possible. Try and see it as a friendly ice axe.
I mean I hope we can still be friends once this is over. It would be a shame for us to fall out over such a small pointless thing as me embedding a large piece of metal into your skull. Life’s too short for that. In your case that’s particularly true, since you’ve got about five minutes left. I’m just looking for the bleach, Mr. Muscle, I hear it’s good on brains. Don’t want to leave any stains on your furniture; after all, I am a guest here. I know you wouldn’t just walk into my house and butcher a pig on the sofa. It would be impolite. I do want to be considerate. I’ll leave your house just as I found it, there might even be time to do a little dusting, and I’ll remember to set the burglar alarm before I leave too.
Oh and before I forget, do you want me to make some sandwiches? It's just your friends the police will be coming around later, and I know you wouldn’t want them to go hungry, not after you’ve gotten to know them so well. Although Bertolini’s not too pleased about those new friends you made in the FBI, as you can probably tell from this little conversation we’re having here, and the chloroform I choked you with when you answered the door. (Full article...)
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DID Y0U KN0W...
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- ... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
- ...that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
- ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
- ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
- ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
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IN 7H3 N3W5
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0N 7HI5 D4Y...
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WRI73R 4ND N00B 0F 7H3 M0N7H
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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PR073C73D BY 7|-|3 F4IR U53 C14U53, 4ND 4 1337 C14N 0F C1INJ45.
