Babel:1337

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MOUNT OLYMPUS, Greece -- Zeus, the mighty Grecian god of thunder, lightning and extramarital affairs joined other deities Monday with his own endorsement for the Republican Presidential candidacy: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Zeus’ backing of Schwarzenegger comes right on the heels of Jehovah, the Judeo-Christian god’s own muddled and ineffectual backings of Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Tim Pawlenty and virtually every other Republican office-seeker except Mike Huckabee.

“Though Zeus hasn’t been involved in earthly politics since his support of King Agamemnon during the Trojan War, his endorsement is nonetheless a massive boost to Schwarzenegger’s Presidential bid,” said a prominent Washington political analyst. “This, of course, is in stark contrast to Jehovah’s disastrous string of endorsements, which have done far more harm than good to the weak Republican field of candidates. Not only has Jehovah’s judgment been called into question, but the candidates themselves are beginning to lose credibility. People, for instance, are coming dangerously close to not taking Michele Bachmann seriously.” (Full article...)

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... that the classic fairy tale Hansel and Gretel was blamed for hundreds of accidental deaths involving elderly women being pushed into ovens by children? (Pictured)

... that ‪Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?

... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk!
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?

... that Kilroy was here? (Pictured)

... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that the police are at your door?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that 我々はあまりにも多くの損害を与えてしまった is We have caused far too much damage in English?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, former partner in the law firm Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that no admins actually check the submission page and this will most likely never see the light of day?
... that when the chicken crossed the road, it was hit by a Ford F-150?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?

... that Elvis is NOT dead? (Pictured)

... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that no admins actually check the submission page and this will most likely never see the light of day?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
... that using a bot for edit wars is morally wrong?

... I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (Pictured)

... that you've just lost the game?
... that there's free porn on Wikimedia Commons?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?

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IN 7H3 N3W5
Hey, it's Google-official! (downs a shot) Xbox begins rationing Game Pass to 2 hours of playtime/month, Trump launches personal Twitch stream to compensate Trump invents new lake to piss off Canada; even most Americans roll eyes (Pictured) Social Security retires, takes the money and runs rather than deal with the inevitable Britain abuses Emergency Alert System to tell people not to use BBQs Country you've never heard of changes name, not too different from old name Mr. Blobby burninates the whole of Europe Andy Murray becomes Pope of the United Kingdom HATSUNE MIKU IS SPANI— ahem I mean, Argentina loses to Spain at the 2026 FIFA World Cup Canada is on fire again The United States gives birth at 250 Giraffe marries hippo in Mamdanistan, at a ceremony attended by the Illuminati, officiated by Happy Gilmore. Insiders claim the upcoming divorce album will "be lit". I asked AI to write me an Uncyclopedia article: the results surprised me We asked current UFC champions what their favorite Mitski song is! Seattle, FIFA troll homosexuals and homophobes Europe repeatedly melts into pile of goo Deltarune Chapter 5 to be released IN 3 MOTHERFUCKING SECONDS!!! Wikipedia co-founder permanently blocked, unblocked, and then re-blocked from his own creation; hundreds of Wikipedia editors swarm to Uncyclopedia Starmer to force UnNews to prioritise BBC over the "disinformation" we apparently provide Ongoing: The gradual dehydration of Earth • Letterboxd outage • Argentina still refusing to accept defeat at the World Cup • Falklands War 2: Electric Boogaloo • Trump claiming victory in Iran... for, like, the 101st time or something Recent deaths: A LOT of celebrity deaths in August! 😭 • Rukidi IV • Harald V • Lionel Messi's FIFA career • Victor Miller • Gloria Steinem Upcoming deaths: PlayStation • Dick Van Dyke • Bitch McTurtleface • Dr. Fauci • Low Tier God • Bruce Campbell in about 5 years UNN3W5 – R4DI0 FR33 1UNC\|-\|
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September 6: Let's Enjoy A Glass Of Blue Lemonade Day 394 - The Christian Roman Emperor Theodosius I defeats and kills the pagan usurper Eugenius at the Battle of the Frigidaire for drinking all of his Blue Lemonade. 1939 - South Africa declares war against Germany as an excuse to send all of their black people away. 1976 - The lemon becomes extinct. 1978 - Blue Lemonade becomes popular. 1982 - Blue Lemonade found to cause cancer 1983 - The government apologises for the cancer scare, saying that Blue Lemonade does, in actual fact, cause tuburculosis, and not cancer. 1999 - Study attributes large penis size in black men to intake of Blue Lemonade. Blue lemonade sales increase 300%. 2000 - Study determined to be only a sales tactic as black men only consume orange drink. 2002 - Monsanto claims intellectual propierty over Blue Lemonade. Third world Blue Lemonade producers are taken out of business. 2004 - Philip Seymour Hoffman becomes the first known human being to pee Blue Lemonade. 2006 - The Infamous Flying Horse, Pegasus is arrested and brought to jail on counts of theft and arsony of Blue Lemonade. 9785 - Blue lemonade allies with the Pope to destroy the universe. Earth catches fire. Someone sends this message into the past, in the form of an insane baby. No-one listens. \/I3W 70M0RR0W – M0R3 4NNI\/3R54RI35...

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Little did you know, the Sun was flat all along.

Image credit: MK
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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