User:THEDUDEMAN/Babel:Hanukkah

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Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived." The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...) Recently featured: HowTo:Rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic Biffy Clyro Foreign accent syndrome CaseOh Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *... That Hanukkah is the festivle of lights, and has been celebrated by kids for the same reason for several thousand years? ... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer? ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside? ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers? ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes? ... that you've just lost the game? ... that Earth is the best planet in the world? ... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular? ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time? ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured) ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website? ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms? ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded? ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks? ... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA ... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer? ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside? ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers? ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes? ... that you've just lost the game? ... that Earth is the best planet in the world? ... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular? ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time? ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured) ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website? ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms? ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded? ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks? ... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA ... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer? ... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside? ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers? ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes? ... that you've just lost the game? ... that Earth is the best planet in the world? ... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular? ... that reading this section is a severe waste of time? ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured) ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website? ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms? ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded? ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks? ... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA	In the news Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured) Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons On this day... March 18: World Happiness Day 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire. 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder. 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass." 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun. 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected. 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks. 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found. 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
Featured picture One of the last surviving scans of John Aglethorpe's infamous Ode to the Monotony of Life, a nearly year-long piece composed of alterations between A sharp and B flat tied together. Image credit: Dr. Skullthumper View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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