User:THEDUDEMAN/Babel:Hanukkah

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Portrait of Gouverneur Morris (1752-1816), 1817.jpg

Gouverneur Morris was a Founding Father of the United States and the author of the Preamble to the United States Constitution. He was rich, influential, and wore only the finest powdered wigs. Then he shoved a whale bone up his dickhole and died.

Morris was born in 1752 in Morrisania. The Morrises were the kind of wealthy landowning family that thought "Morrisania" was a perfectly normal thing to name your house and "Gouverneur" was a perfectly normal thing to name your baby. Morris's birth was a notoriously difficult one. After thirty-six hours of labor, his mother, exhausted and delirious, famously cried out, "Does my baby draw breath? Does he yet live?"

"Yeah," said the midwife. "He'll be just fine as long as he doesn't shove a whale bone up his dickhole. That will be forty cents." Ironically they had to use forceps to remove them, ones made out of whalebone. That may have started a thing with Morris. (Full article...)

Did you know...

*... That Hanukkah is the festivle of lights, and has been celebrated by kids for the same reason for several thousand years?
*... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
*... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
*... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
*... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
*... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
*... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?

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YANKEES SUCK!

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Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song ContestDEIIran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBCDonald TrumpNYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's livers and kidneys after realizing they might actually miss the playoffs • Weed

On this day...

Peaceful demonstration or failed invasion from space?

November 22: Conspiracy Theory Appreciation Day

  • 1955 - The Soviet Union sets off a massive explosion in space, as part of an alleged plot to kill Capitalist Aliens. "They're green for a reason," says Khrushchev.
  • 1963 - Absolutely nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing. If you heard otherwise, it's a filthy Communist lie.
  • 1968 - Stanley Kubrick begins secret filming of the Moon landing, finds it easier to film on location.
  • 1983 - Largest tinfoil hat maker in the U.S. is shut down, just as a record number of "communications satellites" are sent into orbit by NASA.
  • 1987 - Mystery hacker in a Max Headroom mask hijacks television broadcast nationwide, only to reveal it was a guerilla marketing campaign for Ovaltine.
  • 1990 - Margaret Thatcher steps down as Prime Minister, as part of a Thatcher-led initiative to remove useless jobs in government.

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Franz Kafka started his career as a newspaper cartoonist, before being sued by Gary Larson in the court of his own mind.

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Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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