User:THEDUDEMAN/Babel:Hanukkah

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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris. Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe. Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...) Recently featured: HowTo:Rearrange the deckchairs on the Titanic Biffy Clyro Foreign accent syndrome CaseOh Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *... That Hanukkah is the festivle of lights, and has been celebrated by kids for the same reason for several thousand years? ... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude? ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them? ...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s? ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks? ... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake? ... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life? ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS? ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word? ... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured) ... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"? ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once? ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible? ...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special? ... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have? ... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun? ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them? ... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude? ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them? ...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s? ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks? ... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake? ... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life? ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS? ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word? ... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured) ... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"? ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once? ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible? ...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special? ... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have? ... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun? ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them? ... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude? ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them? ...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s? ... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks? ... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake? ... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life? ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS? ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word? ... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured) ... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"? ... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once? ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible? ...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special? ... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have? ... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun? ... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?	In the news World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the world died to him Upcoming deaths: Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Every Cesar Chavez Street's name On this day... March 20: Procrasturbation Day 1602 - The Dutch East India company is founded, paving the way for the trade of such goods as sugar, spices, human slaves, and additional sugar. 1815 - After escaping from his exile in Elba using cheese, cocked berets, and other French sterotypes, Napoleon Bonaparte begins his "Hundred Days" Rule. 1833 - Honest Jim starts his career out by selling his grandfather's false teeth back to him at nine times their original value. 1852 - Hariet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin was published, setting racial equality back about seventy-five years. 1883 - Eleven counties signed the Paris Convention for the Protection of Industrial Property, strictly outlawing the trade of ideas, dreams. 1914 - The first international Figure Skating World Championships take place in Connecticut. The losers maintain their dignity. 1984 - Dungeons & Dragons hits a new high note with the introduction of the Stock Broker playable character set, including Briefcase of Monotony and +2 Ballpoint Pen.
Featured picture Mimes were a staple of radio in the 1920s. Image credit: Rljenk View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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