Today's featured article
Private Eye, that's what the letters spell out on the glass to the door of my office. New York City is a tough place to make a living and if you try to sing the blues you'll quickly find out that you're not even good enough to be another voice in the choir. Down on Broadway, it's a dog eat dog world so I make a little money on the side selling milk-bone underwear to hungry tourists or anything else that makes a sound like money. Anyone who lives here can smell the rat in this cheese factory but nobody's saying anything because having morals on Broadway is like celebrating mother's day at the orphanage - It makes you feel good but everyone stares at you like a nun in a string bikini. People don't normally need a Private Eye but when their chickens come home to roost it's a little like being the only cabbage farmer in town on St. Patrick's Day. Eventually they all show up at my door with a sob story and a dirty job that'll pay the bills. (Full article...)
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Selected anniversaries
March 8: International Men Without Penises Day
- 4000 BC - God creates Eve, Adam celebrates that he doesn't have to keep stroking it by himself.
- 4001 BC - Eve forces Adam to sleep outside the hut after expecting free handies without anything in return.
- 1919 - Women marching on Washington, D.C. seeking the right to vote cite Oscar Wilde's play A Woman of No Importance as an example of misogynistic views.
- 1935 - Sophia blesses the women of the Earth by giving them the G-Spot, although men are cursed to never find it.
- 1978 - Your mother is born. According to statistics, she likely experiences 18-34 years of relative ease before you are born.
- 2026 - Losers on 4chan and Reddit rant about how they never got the girl of their dreams (Pictured), despite being "nice guys."
Archived Anniversaries
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Word of the day
death
Try to use it in conversation.
Knowledge is power.
In the news
More Current Events at UnNews News
Did you know...
- ... that Bill Cowher isn't actually that fireman that saved you, ma'am?
- ... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)
- ... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
- ... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
- ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
- ... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
- ... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
- ... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
Do you care...
- ... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)
- ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
- ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
- ... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
- ... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
- ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
- ... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
- ... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
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Quarterback of the Month and Waterboy of the Month
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David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System.
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If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs.
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Congratulations to Rcmurphy, this year's Most Valuable Player!
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Past Winners: 2005/2006
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| Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects as well as some foreign language Uncyclopedias and Illogicopedia.
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