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Gouverneur Morris was a Founding Father of the United States and the author of the Preamble to the United States Constitution. He was rich, influential, and wore only the finest powdered wigs. Then he shoved a whale bone up his dickhole and died.
Morris was born in 1752 in Morrisania. The Morrises were the kind of wealthy landowning family that thought "Morrisania" was a perfectly normal thing to name your house and "Gouverneur" was a perfectly normal thing to name your baby. Morris's birth was a notoriously difficult one. After thirty-six hours of labor, his mother, exhausted and delirious, famously cried out, "Does my baby draw breath? Does he yet live?"
"Yeah," said the midwife. "He'll be just fine as long as he doesn't shove a whale bone up his dickhole. That will be forty cents." Ironically they had to use forceps to remove them, ones made out of whalebone. That may have started a thing with Morris. (Full article...)
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*... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
- ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
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On this day...
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November 21: International Couch Potato Day
- 1847 - The Great Irish Potato Famine reduces the number of Couch Potatoes in Scotland and Ireland by 25%. Tragically, this results in a global Deep-fried Mars Bar recession.
- 1877 - Thomas Edison announces his invention of the Pornograph, which is like a regular phonograph, except Edison describes to you various sex acts in shocking detail.
- 1922 - First female senator from Georgia introduces bill which says husbands should at least consider putting the dishes in the sink, is immediately impeached.
- 1963 - Lee Harvey Oswald gets laid for the last time, at least, the last time with a woman.
- 1974 - U.N. peacekeepers attempt to grow potatoes in Gaza, but the spuds are promptly blown up by the IDF due to growing underground.
- 1985 - Double agent Jonathan Pollard caught and arrested for leaking to Israel the secrets of getting lox to not be so slimy.
- 2013 - Protests erupt in Ukraine after Yanukovych reveals that Ukrainian language is just Russian but spelled funny.
- 2017 - The U.K. Supreme Court rules that jacket potatoes are potatoes covered in leather.
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