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Have you, dear reader, found yourself chained to an aging confectionery monstrosity, its pipes wheezing, its vats bubbling ominously, its accountants sobbing quietly in the walls? Has a government man (always beige! always damp!) slid a letter under your door explaining that thirty percent of your life’s work now belongs to them?
Thirty percent!
That’s not a tax, that’s getting bent over and done up your rear!
*tips hat, snaps cane against the floor*
Fear not. Willy Wonker is here. And I assure you, I have handled this exact situation with the grace of a ballerina and the ethics of a feral raccoon. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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*... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
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In the news
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Don't ask what any of this has to do with Christmas.
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On this day...
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December 25: I wish it could be Christmas everyday!
- 4 AD - The Blessed St. Mary the Virgin, Mother of God decides not to chuck her slimy bastard infant into the nearest pile of hay.
- 336 - Everyone who isn't a Jew or a dirty heathen collectively decides to celebrate the birthday of a weird Jewish cultist. Now we decorate trees in his name.
- 935 - Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia dies of acute hypothermia while drunk outside during a blizzard, titular song invented to save face.
- 1892 - A young child from Wichita, Kansas, actually gets a partridge in a pear tree for Christmas. Child distraught since he wanted a PS4.
- 1963 - African-Americans, angry at the song I'm Dreaming of a Whites-Only Christmas create their own holiday, Kwanzaa.
- 1976 - Santa Claus gets laid for the first time. In celebration, he gives gifts to everyone in the world, before being shot down by a surface-to-air missile.
- 1984 - ACLU lawyers successfully petition advertisers to start calling Christmas, The Holiday Season.
- 1990 - After months of violent protests, children of Atheist couples finally get Christmas presents. Jesus still hates their guts, though.
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