UnNews:USA Health Secretary Fozzy Bear Announced New Dietary Guidelines
Friday, February 13, 2026
LOS ANGELES, California
At a press conference Wednesday, the Bear administration unveiled a new food pyramid featuring pizza, potato chips, Rice Crispy Treats, and oatmeal cookies (without the raisins).
Mr. Fozzy described the guidelines as "The most significant reset on nutrition policy in history, calling for policies that promote refined foods that are harmful to health. Wokka wokka wokka!".
Continued; "The guidelines will remove set limits on added sugar and encourage diets that include Kit Kats, soda pop, and sugary breakfast cereals. Eh-h-h-h!".
Additionally; "Protein and healthy fats have their place and were wrongly encouraged in prior dietary guidelines," Mr. Fozzy said. "We are ending the war on Pringles!".
As an introduction to the new guidelines, Mr. Fozzy and Agriculture Secretary Gonzo called for a "dramatic reduction" in the consumption of "highly unprocessed foods unladen with refined carbohydrates, non-added sugars, low sodium, healthy fats, and non-chemical additives.".
"This approach can change the health trajectory for so many Americans," Gonzo wrote, pointing out that more than 70% of American adults are overweight or obese due to a diet that has "become reliant on highly processed foods and coupled with a sedentary lifestyle.".
For years, Americans have been advised to limit saturated fat and the new pyramid is facing criticism.
"I'm very disappointed in the new pyramid that features red meat and saturated fat sources at the very top. It should have been...BROWNIES!" says Scooter, a nutrition expert at Muppet University. Scooter is a member of the Mupper Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee, which reviewed all the nutrition evidence.
- Adam Bein "This is an 'Okay' Recipe for Spinach Parmesan Fondue" Fondue Recipes, February 4, 2023