UnNews:All Hail Cardboard Ayatollah

Monday, March 16, 2026

TEHRAN, IRAN- Beware, you American infidels!

By the power of Allah, well, at least Shi'ite Allah, we here at UnNews Iran would like to report that we have a new Supreme Leader! His name is-

[explosion]

AHHH FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK AAAAAA-

[static]

Never mind that, we have evolved past our Supreme Leaders being flesh and blood. Never mind that Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, Khamenei's body double, Khamenei's body double's body double, all of Khamenei's living sons, save for one, and all of his son's body doubles have died in the name of Jihad! Never mind that all of our country's air defense, Navy, and fishing boats have been blown away!

Our NEW supreme leader is made of cardboard! He is filling in for our disgraceful flesh-and-blood fill in to our fill in, who is now a vegetable and missing both of his legs, and secretly shipped off to his secret mansion in London.

HE IS HERE! HE is a little quiet, but with his brilliant leadership, inshallah, he will exact revenge on the infidel Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump! He shall destroy America and Israel! He shall-

[explosion]

AHHH FUCK FUCK NO NOT AGAIN! NOO-

[static]

Supreme leader Cardboard-Amenei is no more, but we-

[gunshot]

Pardon our misinformed fill-in reporter, I am the real fill in reporter, reporting that despite the destruction of Cardboard-Amenei's first cardboard body, he has found ANOTHER body!

Cardboard-Amenei is CAPABLE of possessing more cardboard bodies, in fact, we have INFINITE number of cardboard copies of Cardboard-Amenei here! You destroy one, another shall pop up! CARDBOARD AMENEI IS INDESTRUCTABLE-

Why is there a molotov cocktail in our studio thrown by our own people

explosion

AND OUR ENTIRE PILE OF CARDBOARD AYATOLLAHS IS ON FIRE! OUR OWN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MISLED BY THE INFIDEL AMERICANS!

But fear not! We have final copy of Cardboard-Amenei right here! We shall find Xerox machine somewhere in this rubble and make copies! And Cardboard Amenei shall be invincible once again-

"DEATH TO THE AYATOLLAH!"

rip

AHHH you traitorous woman! YOU HAVE DESTROYED THE FINAL COPY OF CARDBOARD AYATOLLAH! YOU HAVE TORN OFF THE HEAD OF THE FINAL COPY! YOU DESERVE DEATH-

Wait, why is your burka only so short and your hair and face showing.. wait, where is your burka.. and why are you so scantily clad.. why is my male member so rock hard..

Wait, this is kind of nice. Screw this koo-koo theocratic government. I'm joining the protestors.

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