UnNews:STOP THE PRESSES! GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD WINS THE SUPER BOWL!
Wednesday, February 11, 2026
Surprise folks! Welcome to a special edition of UnSports, y'all! It's me, Stephen A. Smith, hoppin' over from Sirius XM Sports and BSPN. They brought me on here to prevent another brainrotted reporter from writing another sports article to cover what I'm about to cover. Good Lord, what a moment! What kind of nincompoop would dare try that again?
Well, now, as y'all know by now, "The Darnold" has won the Super Bowl, like it or not! And I'm here to cover it.
Now, as I been sayin' all this time, I ain't been a supporter of "The Darnold". I consider myself a liberal sports fan, and have always been a supporter of the running quarterbacks as opposed to the conservative model of drop-back white boy pocket passers. A bit extreme, you could say! But I've always been conservative in that if ya boy can't throw the ball, what's the point of bein' a quarterback!? I thought the New England Patriots had been pushing their "Maye agenda" up on all of us, and it is a bit extreme! Maye doin' that Josh Allen/Lamar Jackson act of running around as a quarterback! But SOMETIMES, I agree with such a conservative force such as "The Darnold", Mr. Step Back in the Pocket and sling it.. and this classic pocket passer WINS the Super Bowl before Josh Allen or Lamar Jackson! How about that?
ANYWHO... Lemme say something to the Minnesota Vikings. HOW THE HELL you gon' allow Sam Darnold to walk away and win the Super Bowl and replace him with some dunce with an IQ and a passer rating of NINE?
How you gon' go from this guy potentially leading you to a Super Bowl..
TO THIS DUMBASS??
NO WONDER why your GM got fired!
Here's BSPN's very own monotone king, Joe Buck, taking to the streets of Seattle to assess this hollabaloo of an event. Joe?
Well, Stephen A., as you can see, the entire Seattle Seahawks fandom has gone insane. What you thought was a liberal cesspool of a city has fully hopped on the bandwagon of some guy I'm hearing is the "Jeee Q. Bus". Almost as if Seattle has flipped red and become Donald Trump supporters, is that right?
Who is this "Jeee Q. Bus" anyways? Here's a fan oh jeez, so much coffee on the streets.
Hi there, Joe Buck representing BSPN and UnSports.
"SLEEPY JOE BUCK! GET OUTTA HERE YOU'RE FIRED!"
Hey man, I just have a question for you. Who exactly is this "Jeee Q. Bus"? Is he like the second coming of Jesus or something-
"GEQBUS IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR SAM DARNOLD! GET WITH THE TIMES, SAD!"
Interesting.. I mean Darnold barely had to do anything in that Super Bowl win, he was carried by your run game and defense, and at one point I thought the kicker was going to win Super Bowl MVP because no one could punch it in until later-
"FAKE NEWS! GEQBUS BUTRAPED "DRIZZY DRAKE" MAYE! GEQBUS ALSO RAN OVER THE GAY-TRIOTS FAKE DEFENSE
Uh... wasn't that the defense?
"NO IT WAS GEQBUS! GOD BLESS GEQBUS!"
Uh.. sure! I mean, Drake Maye completely wilted under pressure, and Stefon Diggs was being so pouty that Cardi B left him at the game!
"YES I AGREE! THE MAYE AGENDA IS A FRAUD! THE GAY-TRIOTS WILTED UNDER PRESSURE TO THAT DEI CUPCAKE SCHEDULE, SAD! THAT'S WHY YOU BUILD THE WALL! THE GAY-TRIOTS FUCKED AROUND AND FOUND OUT!"
Okay! Yeah I agree, the Patriots had zero offensive line! They had no wall and Maye got sacked so many times! No need to make it so political.. And here's Sam Darold, Kenneth Walker III, and Seattle coach Mike MacDonald coming down the parade float, and they're all looking as insane as all these fans! Aaand... looks like one of the players got clobbered by a traffic light but got right back up. He's actually insane. They're all acting so insane, except for Darnold for some reason. Must be all the coffee in the streets-
SPLAT!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHY THE FUCK DID SOMEONE JUST THROW THAT HUGE, SLIMY FISH IN MY FACE-
Hoooo! We'll cut it before it gets too bad, looks like Joe Buck just got trouted by one of those crazy ass fans!
Let's take a look at what the actual Seahawks have to say, plus some former Seahawks.
MARSHAWN LYNCH, Seattle RB (2010-15, 19)
"BEAST MODE MOTHERFUCKAS! GEQBUS BALLED OUT!"
KENNETH WALKER III, Seattle RB (2022-present, Super Bowl MVP)
"GEQBUS HAS SUCH A PLAN THAT IT LET ME GET ALL THOSE RUSH YARDS AND WIN SUPER BOWL MVP! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRICKLE DOWN, BITCHES! NO FREE LUNCH! NO TO SOCIALISM!"
MIKE MACDONALD, Seattle HC (2024-present)
"GEQBUS IS GONNA MAKE FOOTBALL GREAT AGAIN!"
SAM DARNOLD, Seattle QB (2025-present, GEQBUS)
"Uh, yeah, I just handed the ball off a few times and did what I was supposed to, I guess? Still can't believe people are treating me like a god for no reason at all.."
UCHENA NWOSU, Seattle LB (2022-present)
"GEBQUS PUT SO MUCH PRESSURE ON THE GAY-TRIOT DEFENSE THAT DRIZZY DRAKE MAYE WAS REVEALED TO BE A FRAUD! THANKS TO GEQBUS I GOT A PICK SIX AND PUT THE MAYE AGENDA BACK WHERE IT BELONGS!"
RICHARD SHERMAN, Seattle CB (2011-17)
"WELL HE'S THE BEST DAMN QUARTERBACK IN THE LEAGUE! WHEN YOU PUT A SORRY ASS TEAM LIKE THE GAY-TRIOTS UP AGAINST GEQBUS, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GON' GET!"
.. What in the world did I just watch?! That's crazy!
Aaand that'll do it for now. Now if y'all excuse me, I gotta get back to passive-aggressively dissing the Democrats even though I totally voted Democratic and am not a secret Trump supporter! Might as well diss the Dallas Cowboys and get some NBA action in here as well!
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Sam Darnold Makes History as First USC Quarterback to Start and Win a Super Bowl" LA Sports Report, February 9, 2026
- "Seahawks Star Smashed His Head On Street Light Atop Super Bowl Parade Bus In Scary Accident [VIDEO]" TotalProSports, February 11, 2026
- r/TheDarnold