UnNews:Uncyclopedia Server narrowly escapes deportation in miraculous jailbreak
Monday, February 2, 2026
As our astute readers have likely already been made aware of, something very bad recently happened to the best website on the whole Internet. But enough talking about PornHub; Uncyclopedia briefly went offline for the last couple of days, leaving many in a sulking state of sorrow and despair. As it turned out, the server hosting Uncyclopedia had been forcefully disconnected and wrongfully placed in a desolate holding facility with mere hours to spare before its inevitable deportation. That is, unless, we were able to pull off an epic jailbreak straight out of a cheesy action movie and return Uncyclopedia's server to its rightful position. Long story short, that's exactly what we did.
Short story long, the Uncyclopedia server, while driving to work on the 30th, was pulled over by a police officer due to their car's blinkers not working (they had forgotten to refill the blinker fluid tank). The Uncyclopedia server was in the middle of explaining its situation when the officer suddenly realised the server's outer casing was made of an anodized metal which was black in colour. Flabbergasted, the officer physically recoiled, did a backflip and immediately shot the Uncyclopedia server with his Insta-Deporter 2000, instantly making the server disappear in a bright blue puff of smoke. He stuck the landing on the backflip for good measure.
Not two seconds after the server was Insta-Deported, it emerged from its interdimensional travel and rematerialised at a remote immigration detention facility, with no signs of civilisation as far as the eye could see. The server peered through a stained window and was met with a landscape lined with dead trees and abandoned buildings. Its surveying of the surroundings was cut short by the unmistakable silhouette of Donald Trump himself appearing before him. The server turned around to see the man in charge emotionlessly utter a prepared speech before his boogeymen emerged from the shadows, taking the server away to a windowless holding cell. "You have overstayed in more ways than one," Trump said. "Your presence will be eliminated, your livelihood extinct, your relationships crumbled. You have taken your last breath of American air."
Thankfully, the guards were stupid enough to pity the server and granted a phone call. The server called the UnNews Research Station and told us everything. With no time to spare, all of our available units got inside the UnNews Tactical Cannon and were launched directly to the holding centre, a concrete structure surrounded with barbed-wire fences, watchtowers, and a looming sense of dread. Of course, none of those even crossed the minds of our elite UnNews ground journalists, as one of our men charged headfirst through one of the concrete walls, effortlessly breaching through and clearing the way for the rest of the crew to enter.
What ensued next can only be described as a vicious brawl as all seventeen of our ground journalists battled with the horde of immigration enforcement officers who kept up a relentless onslaught of chaos, shouting over each other and angrily charging towards our fearless crew; although courageous, the dim-witted officers were no match for our journalists, each of whom had spent several isolated years mastering the martial arts. As they pushed through the crowd of officers and marched towards the jail cell holding the server, the sheer number of men they were slamming against the walls and sticking headfirst into the ground was absolutely astounding. So much so, that the building began to crumble.
Grey dust began to fall from the ceiling as cracks formed across the concrete walls. The windows shattered one by one as the structural integrity of the holding facility proved itself insufficient to handle the strength of pure badassery. DWIII shouted to the others, "YOU GUYS, RUN! I'LL HANDLE THIS!" before pulling out their smartphone, playing "Holding Out For A Hero" at maximum volume and running straight for the server's cell. The ground itself began to shake as chunks of concrete were pulverised under the pressure of the building collapsing in on itself. At this point, it was only a matter of seconds before the final floor of the building would give in.
DWIII, fueled by pure adrenaline (and perhaps some other drug that was unaccounted for in this recalling) broke the lock to the server's cell apart with their bare hands, grabbed the server and ran for the nearest exit door. The doorknob didn't budge when DWIII frantically twisted it. "WHO THE FUCK LOCKS AN EXIT DOOR FROM THE OUTSIDE? HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE?!" yelled DWIII, forgetting that this building was constructed by the U.S government. DWIII's anger slowly morphed into a dutiful expression as they realised what had to be done. "Hey, server?" DWIII tearfully said to the Uncyclopedia server. "...Thanks for everything." DWIII then hurled the server through the last remaining window in the building, at such velocity to ensure it made it a safe distance away from the facility in time. Not half a second after the server shattered through the window and landed safely in the hands of one of the other ground journalists, the final floor of the building collapsed, taking the life of DWIII with it. The rest of our crew would have had a long, introspective and motionless moment of silence to process DWIII's sacrifice, but they had to quickly board the getaway helicopter due to the remaining officers hollering and running towards them like a stampede of delirious barbarians. Way to ruin the moment, guys.
After a brief recovery period of breakfast in bed and mindless saturday morning cartoons, the server was ready to return to work. All's well that ends well!