Orchid

The Orchidaceae family of flowers is known world-wide for its beauty and seductive nature, but also as the leading carrier of sexually transmitted diseases.

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Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season.

Whilst orchids show a beautiful, elegant, and classy exterior, inwardly they are incredibly rude, arrogant, and ruthless. They are the mean girls of flowers. They are aware of their pure bloodline. However, orchids rarely live past their first year of blooming, as their shallow, egoistic, and pollinating-centric lifestyle causes a great deal of mental strain and stress that often escalates into mental disorders and self-destructive behavior. Think mean girls who stay mean girls as adults.

Etymology

Orchids have been in existence ever since plants first began developing flowers for use in botanical reproduction. The name is believed to have come from the Hindu sex god Orkidia, who had the ability to mate with the roughly 10,000 Hindu Gods, including the really weird, odd, and ugly ones that no other god would go near. Think about it: some of those gods are blue goats with five heads and twenty tongues! Orkidia was considered a prolific god with nine beautiful husbands; however, she developed an incurable case of thrush in her early 30's, and was subsequently abandoned by her gender-neutral harem. Orkidia would then succumb to years of Karmic inhalation abuse before tragically ending her own life. This historic fable parallels with the short life spans of orchids that wither away as soon their leaves begin to drop off, and they come to the realization of their days of wild youthful repetitive pollination are over.

Botanology

Acceptance starts with you and me. And orchids.

Orchids are derived from the species Intimius gatanticus which is of the substratum that includes flowers such as the lily, the water lily, the Sun lily and the Cuban stink rose, all of which are known for their promiscuity, but none remotely on the scale of orchids. The Cuban stink rose can be processed to create a white powdery mild narcotic that gives a cheap high but has terrible side effects, such as an increasing inability to remain rigid. Cuban stink roses are known to cause finger cancer while orchids, which can be developed into a trademarked blue powder, are known to do the opposite of Cuban stink roses, i.e. they heighten rigidity for up to ten hours. It is important to know which flower to use at the right time depending on whether you wish to have a potent romance enhancement or if you'd like to go through the slow and debilitating process of having your fingernails crust up, turn a hideous black, and eventually fall off.

Reproduction

Orchids, much like other plants, require pollination, which can be carried out only by a specific genetically compatible variant of the Central American bumblebee, or by human touch. The pollination by human touch is a time-consuming process that requires gently fondling the tips of the stems and then lightly rubbing the pollen along the petals, careful to only slightly brush one's fingertips along the petals and not to damage them. If done successfully, the petals will wrap around the fingertip with a light pressure and continue tightening until an eventual small explosion of a clear sap-like substance, which has frequently been interpreted as the flower's version of an orgasm. It is speculated that the orchid may also be able to fake an orgasm without enjoying the process, just like British women do every night.

Cultural use

Orchids unite people from all walks of life, including rich black men who date white trash.

In most societies, orchids are given to women at the beginning of the courtship because of how strongly they're identified with the ideals of sexual attraction and womanly virtue. Indeed, giving orchids to women is seen to have the same effect as making out with them or passionately holding their hand. The amount of orchids given to the female represents either the amount of love the two share between each other or the specific expectations of the male. The quality of a man's sensuality can be easily determined by the number of orchids he gifts to the various lady friends he's courting. Needless to say, once the courtship reaches its climax with dozens and dozens of orchids, the woman will probably not be receiving any more, and most likely never see the man again.

Due to the rarity of orchids and their great expense, a lot of strapping young men are unable to buy them or maintain them properly. Hence, orchids are very class-conscious and quite elitist. It is no coincidence that orchids are grown near Ivy League schools and in the colleges of Oxford and Cambridge. Orchids never grow in the gardens of the working class, or in the dirty slums of shithole countries. Orchids are always sure to do lunch with fun and entertaining flowers, though with ones less pretty than them and always in locations where they can be seen and heard by other rare and expensive flowers. It is this reason why nice, friendly, and charismatic (yet poor) men are usually so out of their league when hitting on hot girls: they simply cannot afford them. Some desperate men are known to save up their whole lives to buy a few orchids to impress their dates, but once the girl realizes that he cannot afford any more by the third date, she will suggest that they "take a break" to figure out just where the relationship is heading.

Usage in war

The ancient tribes of the peaceful plains of America and the New England region took up the practice of displaying orchids alongside their primitive weapons to produce a smell and a stunning visual effect that would attract friendly neighbors, stimulating their senses and distracting them enough just before clubbing them to death in the peaceful and nature-loving way for which indigenous Americans are known. The aftermath was something of a human stew with shredded orchid petals floating around. The natives called this "the great wind spirit unicorn pedal dance", and the human and orchid soup they consumed afterwards was called "the soup of a thousand raccoons stampeding".

Future

Orchids thrive in warm temperatures, so they actually totally embrace global warming, which is where we are definitely headed, so buckle up! Orchids are in it for the long ride.

See also

• Violets
• Cacti
• Vanilla