Orchid
Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects which will invade their insides to help pollinate them. .
Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Where almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator, for them, no amount of frequent diverse invaders is enough. They are so good at what they do, bumble bees are known to fight one another in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season.
Whilst orchids show a beautiful, elegant and classy exterior, inwardly they are incredibly rude and arrogant and ruthless. They are aware of their pure bloodline[1]. However, orchids rarely live past their first year of blooming, as their shallow, egoistic polinating-centric lifestyle causes a great deal of mental strain and stress that often escalates into mental disorders and self-destructive behavior.
Etymology[edit | edit source]
Orchids have been in existence ever since plants first began developing flowers for use in botanical reproduction. The name is believed to have come from the Hindu sex god Orkidia, who had the ability to mate with the roughly 10,000 Hindu Gods who are so ugly, no other God would go near them. Orkidia was considered a prolific and virtuous god with nine beautiful husbands (and nine wives and nine non-binary partners and nine-non-humanoid seeming partners as Orkidia has always been inclusive). However, Orkidia developed an incurable case of thrush (as well as limp-dick because she also had a penis because the Sutra's demand all sorts of unconventionality) in her early 30's. She was subsequently abandoned by her gender neutral harem and succumbed to years of Karmic inhalation abuse before tragically ending her own life. This historic fable parallels with the short life spans of orchids that wither away as soon their leaves begin to drop off and they come to the realization of their days of wild youthful repetitive pollination.
Botanology[edit | edit source]
Orchids are derived from the species Intimius gatanticus which is of the substratum that includes flowers such as the lily, the water lily, the Sun lily and the Cuban stink rose, all of which are known for their promiscuity but none remotely on the scale of orchids. The Cuban stink rose can be processed to create a white powdery mild narcotic which gives a cheap high but has terrible side effects (such as an increasing inability to remain rigid). Cuban stink roses are known to cause finger cancer while orchids, which can be developed into a trademarked blue powder, are known to do the opposite of Cuban stink roses. They heighten rigidity for up to ten hours. It is important to know which flower to use at the right time depending on whether you wish to have a potent romance enhancement or if you'd like to go through the slow and debilitating process of having your finger nails crust up, turn a hideous black and eventualy fall off.
Reproduction[edit | edit source]
Orchids, much like other plants, require pollination which can only be carried out by a specific genetically compatible variant of Central American bumblebees or by human touch. The pollination by human touch is a time consuming process which requires gently fondling the tips of the stems and then lightly rubbing the pollen along the petals, careful to only slightly brush one's finger tips along the petals and not to damage them. If done successfully the petals will wrap around the fingertip with a light pressure and continue tightening until an eventual small explosion of a clear sap-like substance, which has frequently been interpreted as the flower's version of an orgasm. It is speculated that the orchid may also be able to fake an orgasm without enjoying the process just like British women do every night.
Use in war[edit | edit source]
The ancient tribes of the peaceful plains of America and the New England region took up the practice of displaying orchids alongside their primitive weapons to produce a smell and stunning visual effect that would attract friendly neighbours, stimulating their senses and distracting them enough just before clubbing them to death in the peaceful and nature loving way that the indigenous Americans were known for. The leftover was something of a human stew with shredded orchid petals floating around. The natives called this "the great wind spirit unicorn pedal dance" and the human and orchid soup they consumed afterwards was called "the soup of a thousand buffalo stampedes".
Cultural use[edit | edit source]
In most societies orchids are given to women at the beginning of the courtship because of how strongly they're identified with the ideals of sexual attraction and womanly virtue. Indeed, giving orchids to women is seen to have the same effect as making out with them or passionately holding their hand. The amount of orchids given to the female represents either the amount of love the two share between each other or the specific expectations of the male. The quality of a man's sensuality can be easily determined by the amount of orchids he gifts to the various lady friends he's courting. Needless to say, once the courtship reaches its climax with dozens and dozens of orchids, the woman will probably not be receiving any more, and most likely never see the man again or it they are lucky will get a "it's been fun babe...I'll definitely call you".
Due to the rarity of orchids and its great expense, a lot of strapping young men are unable to buy them or maintain them properly. Hence, orchids are very class conscious and quite elitist. It is no coincidence that orchids are grown near Ivy League schools and in the colleges of Oxford and Cambridge. Orchids never grow in the gardens of the working class or in the dirty slums of shithole countries. Orchids are always sure to do lunch with fun and entertaining flowers, though ones less pretty than them and in locations where they can be seen and heard by other rare expensive flowers. It is this reason why nice, friendly and charismatic yet poor men are usually so out of their league when hitting on hot girls; they simply cannot afford orchids. Some desperate men are known to save up their whole lives to buy a few orchids to impress their dates. Once the girl realizes that he cannot afford any more by the third date, she will suggest that they take a break, to figure out just where the relationship is heading.
The future of orchids[edit | edit source]
Orchids thrive in warm temperatures so they actually totally embrace global warming.
See also[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Unknown to most people, one species of orchids grow extended pods that produce vanilla seeds which tend to be black, proving that orchids are also racially inclusive to some extent. Hispanic activists however have argued that the lack of brown in orchids is actually due to the process of natural selection, hence the orchids aren't racist, but nature is.