UnNews:Trump addresses Uncyclopedia on Iran, March Madness, and other stuff

Wednesday, April 1, 2026

A SPECIAL INSTAGRAM PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS FROM UNC DONALD TRUMP

["Hail to the Chief" plays]

Is the camera on? Okay, let's go.

What's up Instagram, Uncyclopedia, and America! It's your boy Donnie here once again, and my oh my, I haven't done one of these livestreams in a while. Well, since then, now I'm dah president once again, dah best president once again, okay I'll stop before I forget what I wanted tah talk about. It's some yuuuuuuuge news.

Oh shit, maybe I forgot what I was gonna talk about. Karoline, can you send me my notes? I'm not as sharp as I once was, and I was the sharpest of the sharp at speaking and remembering what I was gonna talk about, thank you.

"Well, they're just a bunch of crayon-drawn pictures, but here you go, Mr. President! I'll email 'em over."

Karoline, who wants tah read a bunch of gibberish in the first place? I love having nice colored pictures as my notes! I was elected tah lead, not to read!

Okay.. so yeah, what I wanted to talk about in the first place was to start off and offer my condolences for Chucky Magoo dying on dah ice rink, along with the Boston Bruins' playoff chances. When yah let the Buffalo Sabres climb back into playoff contention you messed up TERRIBLY-

"Mr. President, I believe you meant Chuck Norris?"

What?? That's crazy, Chuck Norris doesn't die, he just respawns and goes to a nice farm afterwards! And roundhouse-kicks the owner so he owns the nice farm now!

Secondly, I wanna talk about dah terrible, terrible country of Iran, could you even call it a country? More like a kuntry, in fact, they're not even a country anymore because we bombed the shit outta 'em! They're so bombed that they can't even send any more bombs at us or Israel anymore! Their dumb Ayatollah is dead, as is most of their government!

In fact, lemme read this part... Okay, looks like Pam says it's okay for me to say, but I even hired some struggling athletes into our effort. Got some big named quarterbacks such as Kirk Cousins, J. J. McCarthy, who almost blew it for us, Geno Smith, old retired guys like Rex Grossman and Jay Cutler, Aaron Rodgers, and luckily even Josh Allen for a little bit! Luckily Josh is a former black ops asset oh wait, I'm not supposed to say that? Thank God for our new censoring technology- wait I though we were gonna get rid of that! Anyways, Josh and even Patrick Mahomes and Joe Burrow luckily wanted to blow off some steam after a disaster of a season. We even got those outfielders from the Philadelphia Phillies to help out! And even Angel Reese from the WNBA!

I considered others like Tua Tagovailoa, but Tua only ever underthrows so it woulda jeopardized the mission.

"Wait, those are all athletes? Why did you send a bunch of athletes to Iran again- oh right, I just remembered the punchline.."

That's right, Karoline, lemme explain!

Luckily, because of all these athletes who throw too hard, they totally have overthrown all of Iran, so much that everyone can overthrow that regime, and that regime only has a stupid gay cardboard cutout left tah serve as Ayatollah, or should I call it the Gay-atollah? I just gotta send in more Marines into Iran just tah double-tap, who knows how long it's gonna last, a day, a month, a year, a decade, hopefully not a decade like Bush or Obama, who started and continued dah worst war ever!

At least we're winning BIGLY in one area! You shoulda seen my March Madness bracket, I still can't believe I picked Duke to win it all! Who in the hell loses a game like that?? All you had tah do was avoid turnovers and yah literally threw dah ball away and choked BIGLY! I just lost a milyon dollars on that and we're losin' dollars due tah Chyaiina dumpin' all their dollars!

"Mr. President, you need to stay on topic! We can talk about basketball another time, in fact you can go post on Truth Social about it! Why do you always talk about sports?"

Oh fine, I'll get back to it, I'm just feelin' over dah Moon right now!

Speaking of dah Moon, we just launched a bunch of astronauts there! Even sent a lady there too!

Wait, Karoline, not now, I'm in dah middle of an Instagram Live thingy-

Wait, Pam? What the hell are you doin' here? I guess I'm gettin' old, I can't tell you or Karoline apart sometimes, you're both dumb blondes-

"Uh, Mr. President, I got some bad news, looks like one of the actors portraying the astronauts escaped the studio! What do you want me to do?"

PAM! NOT ON INSTAGRAM LIVE, that was classified information- I mean, a total lie! There is a moon mission going on!

"Oh, HI everyone! That was just a joke! Don't mind me, I'm just a dumb blonde having a dumb moment hehehe"

Pam, just go. I don't wanna see you again until later.

"Please, Mr. President! I'll go on a press conference afterwards, act all tough like I always do, and blame Iran, Kim Jong-un, A.I., or the Democrats again for spreading lies again-"

You've caused me enough trouble with how yah handled the Epstein Files, the ICE debacles in LA and Minnesota, and your supposed prosecution of Crazy Ilhan Omar, Mamdani dah Commie, and Rosie O'Donnell! Yah showed NOTHING for all your talk and yah makin' me look bad!

Y'know what, get outta here, yah fired! Go run some private company alongside Noem!

[Pam Bondi sobbing, running out the door, and slamming it]

Uhh, yeah, anyways, looks like I just fired Pam Bondi, America. And that's why I don't usually hire women for important jobs! I gave some of 'em a chance and look where it gets me..

Anyways, good talk! It's yah boy Donnie signing off!

Sources

• AP News "Read the complete transcript of Trump’s address to the nation" ', April 1, 2026
• "What time is Artemis II launch today? Watch moon mission live stream" USA Today, April 1, 2026
• "Trump fires Pam Bondi as Attorney General" The New York Times, April 2, 2026