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Today's Party Column I just can't stand it. When I see her I can only grit my teeth and clench my fists as hard as I can from jumping out and screaming "I love you!" at the top of my lungs. I literally have to bite down on my tongue, sometimes until it bleeds or else I'll lose control and caress her with kisses until the end of the world. She's just so beautiful. Not in that supermodel Barbie doll way. She's legitimately beautiful. The supermodels put on make up and dress up and get air brushed so they can look like her. She doesn't need that shit, she's wonderful on her own. "Mr. Wales, you have a visitor." It's my secretary. I tell her to let her in, I already know who it is. I asked her to come to my office so we could talk. Not about work or anything, just... talk. I know it's against office policy but I just want to see her again. That gorgeous, naïve smile, those huge, innocent eyes that seemed to take in the world so carefully. Her body was small, delicate, as if the slightest breeze would shatter her like a glass rose. I could never stop thinking about her. Never. She was always on my mind. (Full article...) Recently featured: John Marshall You Rob Gronkowski Kirkification Archive · Vote for featured articles · You can beg our leader to feature your favorite columns. More of the best democratically-voted columns Download our military mind implant device edit Our glorious history February 14: Singles Drink Free Today Only 269 AD - St. Valentine is castrated, horsewhipped and disemboweled, and a holiday is named after him because that's what happens when you fall in love anyway. 1779 - James Cook is killed in Hawaii, not in the Sandwhich Islands like some believe, because even getting killed on Valentine's day can be a big disappointment. 1852 - The first hospital in England opens. During its opening ceremony, sick patients were given typical Valentine's gifts, like typhoid. 1876 - Alexander Graham Bell first patents the telephone, insuring that every heartless bastard can look at their phones ringing and ignore it like the selfish mess they are. Just answer me. 2000 - The NEAR Shoemaker satellite enters orbit around an asteroid, but it's not the first thing adrift in space to ceaselessly spiral around a cold, dead, emotionally unavailable rock. 2005 - Youtube is launched, yet another place for soul-crushing narcissists to share private, personal information to a whole audience of idiots who don't know the whole story, goddammit, you and your vlogs. 2011 - As part of the Arab Spring, Bahrain protests government injustice or whatever since rioting feels a whole lot better than getting stood up on Valentine's Day, you ruined my life. Complete, fully accessible party archives	Today's hangul word is unrequited Use this word to awe your enemies.
	edit Today in the DPRK 1977-2026 So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Buffalo Bills owner Terry Pegula proven to be clueless, fires the wrong guy Denver Broncos quarterback Bo Nix accidentally curses himself in playoff win Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • ICE-y chaos in Minnesota • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • Seattle flooding the streets with Starbucks coffee to celebrate the Seahawks' win • New England Patriots fans hiding in a corner after being exposed • r/TheDarnold having a MASSIVE field day Recent deaths: Scott Adams • Kianna Underwood • Uncyclopedia • Catherine O'Hara • Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • New England Patriots fans' insufferability, for now • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) (Pictured) Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again Rodong Sinmun, page 2 edit It is an irreputable fact... ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? You cannot deny... ... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic? More wisdom
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Party members of the month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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