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Tøda¥'∫ f∑atur∑d articŁ∑

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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Archi√∑ – √øt∑ før f∑atur∑d articŁ∑∫

Did ¥øu k∩øw...

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?

Archi√∑ – ∫ugg∑∫t ∩∑w ∑∩tri∑∫

I∩ th∑ ∩∑ws

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

U∩N∑w∫ – Radiø Fr∑∑ Łu∩ch

Ø∩ thi∫ da¥...

This is a dolphin not a fish, I demand a refund

March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day

139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it.
1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi.
1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper.
1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
2026 - a Plane has love affair with A track, making the worlds first Plane-Firetruck hybrid.

√iew tømørrøw – Mør∑ a∩∩i√∑rsari∑∫...

Tøda¥'∫ f∑atur∑d pictur∑

Cliff Williams of popular music combo AC/DC seen here practising his scales on his custom bass guitar. This bass couldn't produce any tunas, or even any tunes.

Image credit: Col.swordman
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R∑c∑∩t ArticŁ∑∫

Writ∑r a∩d ∩øøb øf th∑ Mø∩th

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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