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Tøda¥'∫ f∑atur∑d articŁ∑
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"Written" by J. Jonah Jameson
Spider-Man, according to this reboot of an Uncyclopedia article, is not a punny spy (whoever gave that idea should be fired. Seriously, who'd pay to watch a movie about that?), but does whatever a spider can. This wall-crawling, smack-talking web-head has apparently been reincarnated at least three times, but in all three lives, he's been some dorky kid from Queens named Peter Parker. Either way, he's a menace! A criminal! What has he ever done for society? Just because he gets bitten by some 8-legged bug and gains powers he thinks he gets to do stuff like this. Entitled kids these days. (Full article...)
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Did ¥øu k∩øw...
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*... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
- ... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
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I∩ th∑ ∩∑ws
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"Homosexuality was well known in Biblical times, and Jesus doesn't say one word about it." — Jimmy Carter
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Ø∩ thi∫ da¥...
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January 15: Feast of the Two-Headed Yak (Ukraine)
- 1889 - Coca-Cola replaces cocaine in its formula with the milder caffeine, consumers complain, but without cocaine, they only end up being slightly anxious.
- 1919 - A giant tank of molasses in Boston, Massachusetts bursts and floods streets, killing 21. What makes their deaths any less tragic?
- 1967 - The first Super Bowl advertisements air on television. Since then, what was supposed to be "Football's Biggest Night" has always been nothing but advertisements.
- 1976 - Michio Kaku finds the perfect conditioner for his unique hair, sadly, it is banned everywhere except Estonia.
- 1977 - Martin Luther King Jr. spins in his grave, but not for any real reason, that's just a thing he does.
- 1987 - The two-headed Ukrainian Yak (B. grunniens chernobylian) emerges from the radioactive forest surrounding Pripyat, providing a useful source of protein to the people of northern Ukraine.
- 2001 - Wikipedia, the aggregate of all mankind's knowledge, goes online, first article is List of Power Rangers episodes.
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Tøda¥'∫ f∑atur∑d pictur∑
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August 6, 1945: After being given superpowers by the Manhattan Project, Harry S. Truman, the Truman Torch, personally drops the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, signalling the beginning of the end of World War II.
Truman's flight was the culmination of the Manhattan Project, a sustained secret project by the United States military to develop superpowers in order to resurrect the American Justice Coalition. Because superhero technology was so valuable, the project was disguised as an effort to create a nuclear bomb, a deception that was so complete that the nuclear bomb was also developed. Subsequently, all American presidents have been endowed with superpowers and occasionally fight together as the New American Justice Coalition.
Image credit: Isra1337
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