User:Zombiebaron/VanHalen

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I looked up at the sky and saw the sun trying to squeeze through the grey clouds. Fantastic. The weather stays like this Emily won’t want to go to the park and I can have a wank in the shower. Should really do something with this shitty garden as well. Look like a fucking tink – that old fridge really has to go. I was just about to open the door when Emily ran out with her skipping rope.

“Hiya Daddy!” she said as she ran past and began to skip.

“Hey Ems, what have you been up to recently?” ‘What have you been up to recently?’ she’s not a second-cousin and you only saw her this morning, she’s not going to have written a fucking thesis or anything of any significance – oh shit, now I missed what she said. “That’s great honey. I’m just gonna go inside and see what Charley’s been up to, recently.” Might as well be consistently moronic.

“Charley went out. He said he had to get some gear from his friend who was at the shops. I told him that we need milk too.” (Full article...)

Did you know...

*... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
  • ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
  • ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ...that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
  • ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?

In the news

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Boxer shorts, like a real man. And Bruce Lee black pants.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian InvasionGaza WarTrump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Ariana Grande's NonnaCanadian team's bid to win the Stanley Cup, again • PF4Eva's headphone cable • Jimmy SwaggartDiddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael MadsenDiogo JotaTexas flood victims • LA ICE raids

Upcoming deaths: DEITom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screenPittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid GameMAGA

On this day...

"The dragon clearly represents Man's insatiable greed for

July 15: Throw Your Controller at the Screen Day

  • 1982 - Atari releases E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari 2600, and is met with rave reviews and general praise from gamers and critics alike.
  • 1986 - Dragon Warrior (Pictured) is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, paving the way for role-playing video games.
  • 1987 - The most angry singer in the world was born in Las Vegas, Nevada. First thing he did in his life was to throw his NES controller in the TV.
  • 1988 - The first adult-oriented video game is released for the Nintendo Entertainment System, but the inadequate processors and primitive graphics of the time render the game more confusing than erotic.
  • 1997 - GoldenEye 007 is released for the Nintendo 64, panned by critics due to lack of achievements and customizable hats.
  • 2002 - Playing off the massive success of The Lord of the Rings franchise, a videogame based on The Silmarillion is developed, where you play the role of someone trying to read The Silmarillion.

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Looking for protection for your stallion? Safe sex whilst getting your oats? Look no further than Trojan Horse condoms. For the serious rider. Available in "Large", "Extra Large" and "Ouch!".

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Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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