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So at my old job, there was this girl I had a serious crush on. I mean, everything about her was amazing. Her hair, her lips, her football-shaped body... the way she entered those numbers into the AS/400, it was like God himself had sent one of his angels down to Earth to enter numbers into the AS/400.
So I was talking about her to my friend Ryan, and he said, "Hey, dude, you have that old Casio, right? Why don't you write her a love song?"
I thought it was a good idea. So the next day, I went to work, and Ryan came with me and brought his guitar, and I laid it all down for her.
Well, unfortunately, she said no. And also I was fired. But I learned one thing: it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. (Full article...)
Featured today, a long long time ago
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Did you know...
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*... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
- ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
- ... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
- ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
- ... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
- ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
- ... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
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In the news
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"It's for the children's own good!"
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On this day...
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July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia)
- 7 BC – First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans.
- 6 BC – The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer.
- 3 BC – A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus.
- 0 BC – A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed.
- 500 – A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved.
- 666 – Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard.
- 1000 – The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed.
- 1866 – Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history.
- 1914 – British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi.
- 1979 – Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke.
- 2003 – English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England.
- 2007 – The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy.
- 2010 – StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2011 – Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve.
- 2036 – StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice.
- 2057 – The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world.
- 2135 – StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.
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| Colonization of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us clear the ivy of crap,
and plant the seeds of humour.
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