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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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Did you know...

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... that this sentence is incomple
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... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
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... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
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... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
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... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
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... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
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... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
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On this day...
February 23: Vin Diesel Saying the Word "Family" Day 1455 - The Gutenberg Bible is first printed, God brags that he is now a published author. 1923 - Werner Heisenberg plans to describe the uncertainty principle to his peers, but is unsure if they'll like it or not. 1941 - Scientists first create Plutonium, but instead of getting cool superpowers they just get cancer and die. 1947 - The International Organization for Standardization is founded to make Americans feel insecure about the customary system. 1999 - Kurdish leader Abdullah Öcalan is sentenced to death by Turkey due to mustache jealousy. 2015 - Vin Diesel (Pictured) says the word family so many times it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

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The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

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