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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... the muffin man?

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that the White House is really off-white?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... the muffin man?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?

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In the news
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the hospital survived Chuck Norris • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity UnNews – Radio Free Lunch**
On this day...
March 22: World Water Day 1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches. 1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time. 1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes. 1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet. 2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently. 2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger. 2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water. View tomorrow – More anniversaries...

Today's featured picture

El cazador que hace trofeos de los hombres—The demon who makes trophies of men.

Image credit: Mhaille
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

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