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Hello, reader. It seems you have found this article whilst browsing half-heartedly through the Uncyclopedia bookshelf. However, this article is incredibly depressing; I myself sometimes cry like a baby at night, my face slowly vanishing from existence, because of the horrors of this article. My name is Lemony Snicket, and I am the socially insecure author of an extremely melancholy series of books. I have also written this article, which happens to be about said books. I have promised to inform the public of this terrible tale, no matter how sad I may get, but if you are interested in articles with happy endings, you would certainly be better off reading some other article, for example one about innocent little kittens, or perhaps something about a 19th-century poet whose works are no doubt more uplifting than mine. That way, you would never have to know about A Series of Unfortunate Events, all of which are documented below. This particular tale is one of misery and woe. Some people think it is over-the-top and dramatic, but those people don't understand what it's like to lose a loved one, or become an outlaw, or win a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award — you just want more and more, you smarmy bastards! Shame on you! Shame on you all for ever clicking on the link that took you to this depressing article in the first place! Um, anyway, its main characters are three sad children who must face burden after burden in order to finally settle down happily. They are constantly stalked by a wheezing, greedy, evil old man named Count Olaf, and are surrounded by adults who do not understand their problems. (Full article...) Recently featured: Clairvoyance among dinosaurs Reddit Obscurantism Internal Revenue Service Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that. ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one? ...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that. ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one? ...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.	In the news Stranger Things 5 teaser and release dates drop at Tudum (Pictured) Chris Brown from Elevation Worship to fill in for Chris Brown the R&B singer until further notice Taylor Swift buys back her masters "Real" Timothee Chalamet at 2024 look-alike contest actually Finn Wolfhard Qatar personally gifts Trump a plane Austria wins Eurovision MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!! Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big." Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank PBS and NPR to lose funding Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!) Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church Ongoing: Eurovision • The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, and Deltarune • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers Recent deaths: Ruth Buzzi • Night Court • Lopez vs Lopez • George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 • Rick Derringer • Carolina Hurricanes' choke job in the playoffs • New York Knicks' surprisingly kickass season Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen On this day... June 2: Doris Day 455 - The Vandals plundered Rome, forcing the admins to revert to an earlier edit. 1774 - The Quartering Act, which allowed for people to be drawn and quartered, was reenacted by a small community theatre to poor reviews. 1800 - Napoleon Bonaparte of France crossing the alps while doing a sick wheelie on his Suzuki GSX-R 600. (Pictured) 1959 - The very first June bug was caught, but determined to be a mayfly that'd stumbled across the International Date Line. 1968 - Argentina reports the first case of human flu in birds. A cull of 20,000 humans is carried out. 1995 - Children are discovered in North Korea, dispelling rumors that North Koreans emerge fully grown from the maw of Kim Jong Il. 2001 - The first HAL9000 supercomputer was recalled by manufacturer IBM for sentience and latency issues. 2003 - The European Space Agency begins probing Mars. Europeans promise to colonize Mars, give Martian natives smallpox, and spur intergalactic wars of independence.
Today's featured picture In Full Metal Jacket, a U.S. Marine observes the dehumanizing effects jacket potatoes have on his fellow Marine recruits from peeling them in basic training to the brutal food fights in Vietnam. Image credit: Olipro, Severian View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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