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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Yesterday's featured corpse

Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.

Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.

Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)

Did you know...

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the world died to him • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole**
Past murders...
March 22: World Water Day 1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches. 1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time. 1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes. 1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet. 2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently. 2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger. 2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

Mr. T is a beacon of hope in our cold and dark world.

Image credit: RadicalX
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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