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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Yesterday's featured corpse

Garlic bread adventure!

You feel an emptiness inside you, a deep pit in your soul that nothing man-made can fill. How many years has it been since you felt her hair running through your fingers?

None of that matters. The only thing that makes you happy now is garlic bread. You know it’s bad for your health, and you know it smells like the underpants of a sweaty Gondola rower, but you can’t help yourself.

Play game? →

Did you know...

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that the butler did it?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that the butler did it?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that the butler did it?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?

... that Vladimir Putin's warm and paternal gaze can cure cancer?

... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole**
Past murders...
March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey. 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades. 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it. 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi. 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper. 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

Distracted by the dizzying array of colours, your opponent is unable to aim her weapon.

Image credit: Nachlader
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

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