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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Did you know...

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that dihydrogen monoxide can kill you, specially if you breathe it?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths*: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough* Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole
Past murders...
February 19: Alt + F4 Day 1600 - A volcano explodes in Peru. It's a good first line for a limerick, I guess. 1807 - Aaron Burr, former Vice President and guy who shot Alexander Hamilton, is imprisoned for treason; Burr is released following a quadruple rhyming triplet and an emotionally resonant leitmotif allusion. 1846 - The State Government of Texas is officially established in Austin, its first act: Mexican food sold within the state must include at least 200% recommended cheese intake. 1915 - World War I: The first attack on the Ottomans commences as the Australians attack the shoreline with drop bear reinforcements. 1949 - Ezra Pound decides that poetry is the perfect medium for his antisemitism, mostly because Jew can be rhymed with so many other words. 1954 - The Soviet Union transfers Crimea from Russian land to Ukraine, which will cause absolutely no problems in future. 1985 - EastEnders stars airing in the UK, causing more Brits to be visibly depressed. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

Unfortunately, despite traditional farmers' resilience across the ages, the "American Gothic" lifestyle just isn't what it used to be.

Image credit: Splaka
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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