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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Yesterday's featured corpse

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

Did you know...

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths*: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy* (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole
Past murders...
February 20: Hot Garbage Day 1792 - The Postal Service is first established, celebration ceremony is accidentally rerouted to San Francisco, Spanish California. 1872 - After some harsh wind, the Metropolitan Museum of Art opens its first exhibit, a giant pile of toppled over ceiling scaffolding. 1877 - Russian ballet Swan Lake is received poorly by critics after show swans descend into the audience and peck their eyes out. 1935 - The first woman to set foot in Antarctica wonders what all the fuss was about. 1986 - The Soviet Union launches the space station Mir, cosmonauts test whether communism can work in outer space. 2016 - A man in Schenectady, New York is the first person to describe someone's opinion as "hot garbage" (Pictured), is given medal for ruining English. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

If you don't buy their chicken, you might end up disappearing.

Image credit: Bezdomniy
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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