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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Yesterday's featured corpse

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

Did you know...

... that in Israel, chess sets contain rabbis rather than bishops? (Pictured)

... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?

... that in Israel, chess sets contain rabbis rather than bishops? (Pictured)

... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?

... that in Israel, chess sets contain rabbis rather than bishops? (Pictured)

... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?

... that in Israel, chess sets contain rabbis rather than bishops? (Pictured)

... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole**
Past murders...
March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day 1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else. 1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger. 1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me. 1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'. 1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet. 2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy. 2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

Trump in peach, after getting in peached.

Image credit: User:DoctorJones
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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