Today's featured corpse
COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)
Yesterday's featured corpse
Have you, dear reader, found yourself chained to an aging confectionery monstrosity, its pipes wheezing, its vats bubbling ominously, its accountants sobbing quietly in the walls? Has a government man (always beige! always damp!) slid a letter under your door explaining that thirty percent of your life’s work now belongs to them?
Thirty percent!
That’s not a tax, that’s getting bent over and done up your rear!
*tips hat, snaps cane against the floor*
Fear not. Willy Wonker is here. And I assure you, I have handled this exact situation with the grace of a ballerina and the ethics of a feral raccoon. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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*... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
- ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
- ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
- ... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
- ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
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Latest murders
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Don't ask what any of this has to do with Christmas.
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Past murders...
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December 25: I wish it could be Christmas everyday!
- 4 AD - The Blessed St. Mary the Virgin, Mother of God decides not to chuck her slimy bastard infant into the nearest pile of hay.
- 336 - Everyone who isn't a Jew or a dirty heathen collectively decides to celebrate the birthday of a weird Jewish cultist. Now we decorate trees in his name.
- 935 - Wenceslaus I, Duke of Bohemia dies of acute hypothermia while drunk outside during a blizzard, titular song invented to save face.
- 1892 - A young child from Wichita, Kansas, actually gets a partridge in a pear tree for Christmas. Child distraught since he wanted a PS4.
- 1963 - African-Americans, angry at the song I'm Dreaming of a Whites-Only Christmas create their own holiday, Kwanzaa.
- 1976 - Santa Claus gets laid for the first time. In celebration, he gives gifts to everyone in the world, before being shot down by a surface-to-air missile.
- 1984 - ACLU lawyers successfully petition advertisers to start calling Christmas, The Holiday Season.
- 1990 - After months of violent protests, children of Atheist couples finally get Christmas presents. Jesus still hates their guts, though.
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| Pie of the Week
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For the glory of her majesty
Help us bring back murder victims,
and plant the seeds of daisies.
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month
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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!
So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.
Let us all clap for him because I said so.
You have less than a week, just 6 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!
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