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the dead encyclopedia that Ned can reanimate.

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Today's featured corpse

Clown alledgedly threatened by Bryce Von Deenis.

COEUR D'COEURS, USA -- Several circus performers at the local Barry Sonnenfeld & Bryan Fuller Shrine Circus have died under mysterious circumstances. According to one such victim, a mime who was brought back from the dead for 60 seconds by a local piemaker named Ned, a man named Bryce Von Deenis threatened to kill several clowns for making a dirty limerick about his last name. (More)

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Yesterday's featured corpse

Garlic bread adventure!

You feel an emptiness inside you, a deep pit in your soul that nothing man-made can fill. How many years has it been since you felt her hair running through your fingers?

None of that matters. The only thing that makes you happy now is garlic bread. You know it’s bad for your health, and you know it smells like the underpants of a sweaty Gondola rower, but you can’t help yourself.

Play game? →

Did you know...

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

Old pies – Suggest new pies

Latest murders
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity Murder News – Free Lunch at the Pie Hole**
Past murders...
March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey. 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades. 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it. 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi. 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper. 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months. 2026 - a Plane has love affair with A track, making the worlds first Plane-Firetruck hybrid. View tomorrow – More murders...
Pie of the Week
For the glory of her majesty Help us bring back murder victims, and plant the seeds of daisies.

Today's featured pie

In Full Metal Jacket, a U.S. Marine observes the dehumanizing effects jacket potatoes have on his fellow Marine recruits from peeling them in basic training to the brutal food fights in Vietnam.

Image credit: Olipro, Severian
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Detective and Piemaker of the Month

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

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