Babel:Lolcat

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Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

DID U KNOE...

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  • ... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)
  • ... that there is one imposter among us?
  • ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
  • ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
  • ... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
  • ... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
  • ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
  • ... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
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  • ... that Kilroy was here? (Pictured)
  • ... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
  • ... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
  • ... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
  • ... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
  • ... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
  • ... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
  • ... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
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  • ... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
  • ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
  • ... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
  • ... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
  • ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
  • ... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
  • ... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
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  • ... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
  • ... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
  • ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
  • ... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
  • ... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
  • ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
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  • ... that the White House is really off-white?
  • ... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
  • ... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
  • ... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
  • ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
  • ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
  • ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"

In the news

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Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein FilesWar Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn AwardsChucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • BuffyXander HarrisRobert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' MaduroIranMahmoud AhmadinejadAtlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

ON DIS DAI...

This is a dolphin not a fish, I demand a refund

March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day

  • 139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
  • 1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
  • 1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it.
  • 1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi.
  • 1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper.
  • 1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
COLONIZASHUN OV TEH WEEK
For the glory of her majesty
HALP US CLEAR TEH IVY OV CRAP,
AN PLANT TEH SEEDZ OV HUMOR.

TODAIS FEATURD PICCHUR

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"You have to answer for Robin, Eeyore. You fingered Christopher for the Barzini people." ~ Winnie Corleone

Image credit: Modusoperandi‎
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RESENT ARTICLEZ

MOAR RESENT ARTICLEZ | MOST WANTD PAGEZ | REQUESTD REWRITEZ | ADD 2 STUBS | LONELY PAGEZ | PEE REVIEW | TRY WRITIN BOUT... | STUCK ARTICLEZ NEEDIN PUSH | GREAT IDEAS

WRITR AN N00B OV TEH MONTH

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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