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Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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DID U KNOE...

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?

... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)

... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?

TEH ARCHIV – SUGGEST NEW ENTRIEZ

In the news
"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!" Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump *still really, really* wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over Recent deaths*: Lamont • Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy* (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about UNNEWS – RADIO FREE LUNCH
ON DIS DAI...
February 21: Put Off Learning a Foreign Language Day 1848 - Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels publish The Communist Manifesto, 100 billion people instantly die. 1918 - The last Carolina Parakeet dies after calling the local constable a cracker. (Pictured) 1948 - Lazy people create NASCAR to have a sport where you can sit the whole time. 1952 - Winston Churchill wonders how he can get away with being such a flaming racist. 1965 - Malcom X is assassinated by the Nation of Islam, which is a real Nation of Islam sort of thing to do. 2017 - You uninstall the Duolingo app on your phone after you can't commit to 15 minutes of learning Spanish a day. Ay pobrecito. VIEW 2MORROW – MOAR ANNIVERSARIEZ...
COLONIZASHUN OV TEH WEEK
For the glory of her majesty HALP US CLEAR TEH IVY OV CRAP, AN PLANT TEH SEEDZ OV HUMOR.

TODAIS FEATURD PICCHUR

To Determine the Motion of a Cat with a Slice of Buttered Toast Strapped to its Back: Let F_c be the attractive forces of each of the cat's feet to the carpeting (not shown), and let F_bt be the net rotational torque imposed by the carpeting upon the buttered side of the toast. By the 42nd proposition of Murphy's Laws, the system will begin to rotate in a counterclockwise fashion, causing the cat (C) to experience a large measure of confusion. The partially-melted butter (B), which is adhered to the toast (T) by comparatively weak Van der Waals forces, is overwhelmed by the large centrifugal fictional force, causing it to splatter all over the place (P). The spinning cat and toast (C+T), having thus divested itself of surplus butter, will then experience tidal drag within the Earth's gravitational field until such time as rotational equilibrium is restored.

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RESENT ARTICLEZ

WRITR AN N00B OV TEH MONTH

Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.

Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!

Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.

Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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UNCYCLOPEDIA LANGUAGEZ

This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 41,068 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages, including Esperanto!:

	Uncyclopedia English United States 41,068	Desciclopédia Português Brazil 50785	アンサイクロペディア日本語 Japan 19194	Nonsensopedia Polski Poland 17766	Nonciclopedia Italiano Italy 14423
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