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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)
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DID U KNOE...
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- ... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)
 - ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
- ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
- ... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
- ... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
- ... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
 - ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
- ... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
- ... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
- ... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
- ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
- ... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
- ... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
- ... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
- ... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
- ... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
- ... the muffin man?
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
 - ... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
- ... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
- ... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
- ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
- ... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
- ... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
- ... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
- ... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)
- ... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
- ... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
- ... that I let the dogs out, and you can't do a goddamn thing about it?
- ... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
- ... that your fly is unzipped?
- ... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
- ... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
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In the news
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ON DIS DAI...
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March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably
- 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
- 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
- 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
- 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
- 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
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| COLONIZASHUN OV TEH WEEK
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For the glory of her majesty
HALP US CLEAR TEH IVY OV CRAP,
AN PLANT TEH SEEDZ OV HUMOR.
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