Saxophone

The saxophone ("sexyphone") is the world's greatest musical instrument. Rejected by other form of organized recitals (including the symphony orchestra and the flute choir), they are often found in their own special group (or jazz band). The saxophone is not just a musical instrument; it is a way of life. A friggin shit awesome way, but nonetheless a way of life.

The saxophone is a woodwind instrument, the word "woodwind" coming from an Ancient Greek term meaning "the sound a big tree makes as it is flung through the air during a rather large gale of wind"; this was later shortened to "WW".

As has been pointed out already, saxophone players are very sexy. However, some varieties of saxophonists are sexier than others; for example, tenors are far more attractive than the so-called "sopranos", which are really just weak attempts made by clarinet players to be heard over the sexier tenors.

Saxophonists are quite literally very attached to their instruments. They are joined with their beloved through a high-tech device known as a "neck strap". The neck strap, as it is known, helps to keep the saxophone erect, blowable, and versatile.

Saxophones have only two dynamic levels: loud and louder (AKA saxy and saxier). It is well known that saxophonists (those who dabble in sax) "give it the beans" in all situations, blocking out all unnecessary dissonances harmonies such as those from the flute and clarinet. Saxophones do it because they can, and because they know what they are doing.

Origin

The saxophone is a highly versatile, if heavy and unwieldy instrument.

Saxophones originated as a fighting force under Isildur during the original conquest of Middle-Earth, when evil trumpets and trombones took the Great Ring for Morgoth. The future saxophonists joined the war after their Mordor colonies were destroyed. With the help of tubas and euphoniums, they reclaimed Mordor. After Isildur obtained the One Ring, the saxophone captain urged him to destroy it, but it was later reforged into a sousaphone. After Isildur's death, the saxophones became sentinels, waiting for his heir.

During this time, some future saxophonists sailed west, forming an armada that fought off serpents and hydras. They reached Ansalon, where they became heroes and founded the Order of the Rose within the Solamnic Knighthood. Paladine blessed them with an alto saxophone, which they later upgraded to ten tenor saxophones. Playing these instruments granted them great power and honor.

The saxophones played a key role in the Dragon Wars, where they fought the Queen of Darkness. They created the dragon lance (a bent tenor sax) to defeat dragons and rode them into battle, helping Huma defeat the Queen. Meanwhile, some saxophonists discovered a portal to Narnia, where they played in the "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" documentary, providing music for the film. The saxophones fought many battles in Narnia, ensuring victory for their side. However, they were not given the throne, as they were beings of pure awesomeness.

When the heir to the throne of Middle Earth emerged, the saxophones returned to aid the Dunedain. They helped the Rohirrim liberate Helm's Deep and Minas Tirith, causing the enemy forces to break formation. The saxophones then watched over Middle Earth until the defeat of the tuba forces.

Over the centuries, the saxophones were seen aiding figures like William Wallace, the Roman legions, and later U.S. soldiers in the Pacific, where they were known as Navy SEALs, snipers, and tank commanders. Today, they continue to maintain peace between brass and woodwind players.

Role in History

Originally called the "sexophone", the saxophone was traditionally viewed as a unifying instrument between the brass and woodwinds. Before the invention of the saxophone, entire orchestras were wiped off the face of the Earth through civil wars which would often break out during Baroque pieces. Ten thousand clarinets were slain at the hands of hundreds of trombones in The Great Clarinet Massacre of 1337.

The next such civil war ended in tragedy for both sides. The clarinets, aided by the trumpets, charged out of the woods to the east while the trombones and baritones (not euphoniums because they are too cool to get involved in civil wars) charged from the east. Both sides ran into a double line of saxophones who engaged the assailants in vicious instrument to instrument combat. The battle ended with both the trumpoot-clarinet alliance and the trombone-baritone alliance being decimated while the saxophones only lost a few of their own. This is the basis for the hatred between saxophones and trumpoots.

The saxophone laid low in the weeds for many years while the musical world recreated itself. It emerged again and took the world by storm in 1841, when an ex-French Horn player decided to put up his boring stupid instrument and pick up the far superior saxophone. His name was Adolphe Sax; he renamed the sexually naughty instrument, the saxophone, after his surname. The saxophone eventually decimated the worlds of jazz, military band, and even forced some of the orchestras to accept it and create the henceforth named symphonic band. The entire world bowed to the amazingness of the saxophone.

In more recent times, the saxophone has been used to make sweet love to the ears of anyone in range. In fact, there have been 16 reported cases of saxophone-related sex in the past week. The number of children conceived to sax music now numbers in the hundreds of thousands. That is why saxophones are banned in China.

Identification

As aforementioned, saxophone players come in as many shapes and sizes there are versions of Linux (yes, there are 17 types, but only 4 are the most common):

Soprano Players

A cross-over breed called upon for sappy solos and to melt the ice of every crazy PMSing bitch in the hall. It becomes a contest to see who can move their eyebrows the most, and most often than not, makes them easily mistaken for clarinet players. This makes them reclusive more-so. That, and their only role model is Kenny G. This makes them unstable emotionally, but they will cut you if you ask them "what kind of clarinet is that?" WARNING: If at all possible, avoid approaching this species. It will subtly attempt to lure you in until you (and indeed, itself) have passed "The Shrieking Range", a torture too horrid to describe without the ability to turn lemon juice into sound. The sopranos evolved from the elven archers of Isildur's forces and have no respect for anyone other than themselves.

Alto Players

The ego. They honestly are the sax. Hauling their own brass in front of the section every single friggin time they solo has that effect on their minds. They idolize themselves, or, when proven wrong, will attempt to justify themselves with, "Charlie would have done it better." They also tend to mock the know-nothing trumpets. What is the difference in size of an alto and tenor sax? Nothing, it's an optical illusion because the alto player's junk is much bigger. The most amazing girls you will ever meet will play the alto... these are the descendants of the footsoldiers of the legions of Isildur. They will hold their own in the volume of the band, particularly on high notes.

Tenor Players

Evolved from the knights of Isildur's forces, they are the perfect balance between power and versatility allowing it to blast a high F just as strong as a low B-flat. The tenors are, in fact, the sexiest of all the saxophones. Tenors are also the smartest of the saxophones, knowing to respect the tubas and euphoniums due to their common cause in the wars in Middle Earth. Tenors have chronic right thumb pain due to having to support 13lbs of brass on a single finger, although these beasts can do it without complaining. Tenor sexophonists excel in everything they do, from simply dominating the band to fighting wars across the universe. They take every jazz solo available, for the tenor's sexy sound will seduce any and every person who is fortunate enough to hear it.

Baritone Players

Let's face it, when you play an instrument that big and sexy, you've gotta have a sense of humor. These people make cracks like they were a cool Oscar Wilde. Generally, you'll find an extra-awesome kid playing the bari, because they are the only ones who can afford to break their back playing it and still have chops to play the thing. Typically, a bari player will be a converted tenor player. Asian bari players DO exist (the ones who do are godly). However, if you find a female bari player, RUN: they bring sexy back in a way that will make the world explode. GOOD LORD THEY ARE SMOKIN HOT!!! If you do find a girl bari player, you should consider asking her out as she knows how to blow extremely well and is obviously a sex god.

Bass Sax Players

Usually have body odor and autism spectrum disorders.

Subspecies

• The section leader: Usually either a hidden player or the coolest person ever. While the second is preferable, you will most often encounter the first. Use caution when approaching, and refrain from anything remotely fun around them, for they will "slowly suck out your soul." However, they are trying to learn your style, and will burst out into sexyphony-ness the moment you turn your head.
• The true sexophonist: The best player in the section. Can play altissimo sixteenth-note runs that the section leader can only gawk at. Normally unnaturally tall, these are always friends with the section leader.
• The god: The best players in the band playing in both flute and baritone ranges in the same run consequently they are despised by both. This person will normally do 2-3 sports throughout the year and will be equipped with bulging muscles and a six-pack thus enhancing their sex life immensely.
• The heroes: Everyone else in the section because tenors are either awesome or awesomer. These people are the heart of the band undoubtedly if they left the band would completely collapse and resort to killing each other.
• The regular people: As of yet, not discovered. All saxophonists believe themselves superior to everyone else in the band.
• Kenny G: He's fucking awesome!

Construction

The first saxophones were gifts from Paladine, but he also gifted mankind with the steps to make one.

1. First, you must gather either platinum or magma from Mount Doom for the construction process: 3lbs for a soprano, 5lbs for an alto, 13lbs for a tenor, 20lbs for a bari.
2. Then, you must travel to Pluto and obtain 50lbs of the mineral Saxonium (which is only known to saxophonists), no matter which type of saxophone is being constructed.
3. Next, you must slay 19 dragons and a sea serpent, cut out their hearts, and take their skins. Tan the hides of the dragons for use as reinforcement for the platinum/magma.
4. Build a fire of the hearts of the dragons and the sea serpent and craft the saxophone over it using a granite hammer weighing 50lbs.
5. Finally, you must have sex with Olivia Wilde and have the saxophone present; this fills the instrument with the extreme awesomeness required.

Life Cycle

All saxophones are born as altos, which feed off of sexy jazz solos and concert pieces. Then the males separate from the females; the males will become tenors and bari saxes, while the females will live the rest of their life as the sad, small sopranos.

Main Genres

The Saxophone mainly plays music such as... well, a saxophone is such a flippin' saxy instrument that people can't confine it to any music genre. That's because what the saxophone really plays can not be considered "music"—it is far too awesome to be considered. A more appropriate term would be "the sound of a thousand angels".

Many have been persuaded to not commit suicide just by hearing a saxophone's beautiful tone. On the contrary, many have committed suicide because they know they will never be able to match the awesomeness of it.

The Method

1. Use protection. Wear a neck strap. Safe sax is better than no sax at all. Remember that, kids.
2. Blow hard. No, harder than that.
3. Look like you know what you're doing. Most saxophonists choose to wear shades to hide the joy in their eyes at that written solo so they seem serious.
4. Tuning. Actually, fuck it.
5. Movement. Always use hardcore body movements so that everyone notices you. Use every part of your body to move.
6. Give it the beans. Better to be loud, wrong and the center of attention than quiet and lonely.
7. Whack everything in the altissimo range. Because you can.

Commandments

1. Thou shalt always flirt with all who are in thy band except the flutes for (the majority of them) art teases and thou wilt never get anywhere with them. However most of them are actually head-over-heels in love with thou (how could they not be?) and are too shy to show it.
2. Thou shalt flirt with all those outside of thy band.
3. Thou shalt flirt with all those inside another band. The reason for this is because: 1. thou art a saxophone and 2. thous wishes to bring said other band member into the fold.
4. Thou shalt make sexual gestures with thy mouthpiece.
5. Thou shalt play thy saxophone on the right or in the middle; nay the left.
6. Thou shalt always mock thy trombone players, even if they are right.
7. Thou shalt always play louder, for thy Band Director can never get enough saxophone sound.
8. Thou shalt get extremely excited over a new box of reeds.
9. Thou shalt always refer to thy self as "sexyphone".
10. Thou shalt decree all trumpet players as obnoxious posers with small penises who can not tongue as thou can.
11. Thou shalt fight with the Dumb Majors, as the Dumb Majors are always wrong.
12. Thou shall date musicians who are saxophonists. If you are lucky enough to have a female in thou section ASK HER OUT for she is a SAXY beast!
13. Thou shalt never regard the French Horns as equals, for this is never the case; you are better than them, no matter what anyone says.
14. Thy musical line shalt always be more important than the line of the clarinets and flutes.
15. Thou shalt not play without a neck strap, for this is sacrilegious and does not make thou cool.
16. Thou shalt not glorify spit.
17. Thou shalt build a Wall of Sax in thy jazz band, for the saxophones are the most important.
18. Thou shalt decree the tempo, dynamic and balance of every piece.
19. Thou shalt always consider using thy sax as a weapon (if need be, of course).
20. Thou shalt always carry thyself proudly after all thee do have a noble bloodline.
21. Thou shalt always respect the tubas unless given a good reason, as they are thy ancient allies.
22. Thou shalt never consider the drum line as an equal section.
23. Thou shalt always strive to outplay the trumpet in every aspect of music.
24. Thou shalt enjoy the mellophone as an instrument, for its success at replicating the glorious saxophone sound.
25. If thine dumb major decrees that thou needest increase thine volume, increase it by no more than 3 steps.
26. Thou shalt always blame anything wrong with thy band on the trumpets.
27. Thou shalt never complain of the weather during a rehearsal.
28. Thou shalt decree the baritones as kiss-asses and raise thyself above them.
29. Thou shalt always make fun of the clarinets for being small, quiet, and painful to thine ears.
30. Thou shalt remember the band is thy domain, so rule it like a boss.
31. Thou shalt play careless whispers at random and inappropriate times.
32. Thou shalt always covet your placements, especially in jazz band. None shall play thy part but thee.
33. Thou shalt always have confidence in thy playing, for none play better than thou.
34. Thou shalt always practice safe sax.
35. Thou shalt respect thy sax-tion leader.
36. Thou shalt refer to saxophone sectionals as either sax-tionals, or group sax.
37. Thou shalt never break thy reed, as reeds are sacred wood.

Saxophone Idols

• Bleeding Gums Murphy
  • Look out for his number one record "sax on the beach", its a real WINNER!
• Charlie Parker (AKA Bird, Yardbird, Yard, The Bird, Birdy Bird, Charlie Chan, Shitfix von Hornhocker)
• Andrew Stihl, inventor of the chainsaw, from which most saxophonists take their inspiration.
• Bob Vila (I mean come on he rocks!)
• KSI
• Bill Clinton (since he gets laid every night, even if by fat chicks, and was the president)
• Sexy Sax Man
• Epic Sax Guy
• Clarence Clemons (R.I.P.)
  • Man did Born To Run and Jungleland with Bruce Springsteen. He was and is more than half of the appeal of the E Street Band.
• Zoot from Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem
  • Zoot, from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• Mr. Saxobeat
  • Once a well-known idol to saxophonists throughout the world, it was later cast out after it was discovered to be an auto-tuned saxophone.
• Kenny G
  • The only saxophonist on our list who is worthy of a bullet.
  • Preferably in the back of his head.

See Also

• Mr. T
• Oscar Wilde
  • A Saxophonist
  • A Great Man
• Baritone saxophone
• Chainsaw