Mellophone

A Mellophone is traditionally accepted as the sexiest instrument ever invented. Prettier than the clarinet, and louder than that guy on crack playing the baritone, the mellophone is referred to as the demon spawn of a french horn and a trumpet. The mellophone is played with the same fingering as the trumpet and played in the key H#. We recently did a poll between mellophone players about what word they would use to describe the instrument, and 99.7 percent replied: Epic. The other .3 percent who disagreed were water boarded with a trombone.

Mellophone Invented

The mellophone, seen as it was handed through fire to the pirates by Morgoth Himself.

The Mellophone was invented in 1247 BC by God and given to ninjas. They used it to slaughter twenty-seven headed dragons of north Italia. Once the ninjas learned how to make the instrument sound pretty, they let the technology into the hands of the regular human population. The event of all these people dying was covered up by the black plague, but in fact, mellophones awesomeness actually burnt out the souls of anyone who heard it. Normal people eventually gained control over the divine music maker, but the life spans of people who could not play correctly were severely reduced. The effect has gone away today. It is true that all brass instruments, save for the trombone, are derived from the mellophone. The flute is derived from a mellophone with Down syndrome and no sound producing capabilities.

Alternatively, it has been said that the true origin of the Mellophone goes as follows:

The Origin of Perfection

Once there lived a great and mighty trumpet section leader. He was so mighty in fact that the mere mention of his name causes the lips of every trumpet player to split wide open. For our purposes he will be referred to as Bill. Bill was a powerful trumpet player who could scream out even the highest of solos. Bill had a serious problem though. He could not play low notes. At all.

For many years Bill was content to shatter crystal goblets and play higher than the piccolos. Not only could Bill play high, but he could play very very well. He never messed up sight reading. He always had the right rhythm. He could move his fingers fast enough that he could play chords by himself. He played so well that people often said it was as if his trumpet was alive. Little did they know, they were right. Bill’s trumpet was the living soul of music.

After many years of music, Bill’s trumpet got bored with the high notes; it wanted to play something low. Bill knew that the low notes were the only thing left for him to learn, but he just could not hit them. He even got so desperate that he tried playing a baritone. He got the low notes, but could not play high anymore, and his tone was reminiscent of a baboon who ate too many burritos. His frustration building, Bill asked his trumpet what he should do.

You must use your section leader power to create a new instrument that can play both high and low. The soul of music said. I will assume the form of this new instrument for all eternity.

Bill wasn’t too great in the metal shop and he knew he couldn’t make a new instrument from scratch, so he searched his band room for something nobody would miss. He emerged from the instrument closet, victorious, with a French horn in his hand. Nobody would miss a measly French horn, they don’t sound that great anyway. Bill took the horn home and began to play on it. The soul of music directed Bill on how he should change the horn to make it truly great. When he was finished he had a very bent, very dented piece of pipe shaped vaguely like a trumpet, only larger. The soul of music was delighted with what Bill had created and immediately took its form, but a much more beautiful, less destroyed version.

Now for a test. Bill whispered as he picked up the soul of music. He blew into the mouthpiece, his lips buzzing slightly. The beautiful notes that issued forth from the bell almost made him cry. He tested it to see if it could play high, and it could. It even removed that irritating screechy sound he always got from the trumpet. Bill played for several minutes, testing all the skill he had developed on the trumpet. This magical instrument could do anything, it seemed. Bill knew that the last test for this amazing instrument was to see if it could play low. He drew in his breath, and buzzed. The pure note that floated out of his new instrument could have come from a tuba, but only if that tuba had perfect tone. Bill resumed playing, but after one hour of beautiful music from his new instrument he saw a rift begin to open in the sky. He saw angels nearing the other side of the rift and stopped playing. Upon the release of his note the rift closed.

You can’t go around creating pathways to heaven. the soul of music observed. You will have to mellow your skills.

'That is what I shall name this wondrous piece of genius.' Bill decided. 'The Mellophone!'

The soul of music knew that It could never assume a more perfect shape, and has remained a mellophone ever since. Even today, the mellophone players of bands around the world are mellowing their skill so as to avoid upsetting the trumpets. Mellophone players allow the trumpets to think they rule the band. The mellophone is more commonly called the horn because it designed from a French horn, and because people fear using a name imbued with such power. If the true beauty of the mellophone sounded across the world, angels would pour out of the sky, and Earth would become a perfect paradise. Every trumpet ego would be smashed and replaced with a deep caring about all instruments and their players, especially the saxophones. One day this will happen, but the mellophone players wait until the Soul of Music says it’s time.

Types of Mellophones

There are two kinds of mellophone: the mellophone and the mellophonium. The mellophone as said above was made by God and given to the ninjas. BUT the mellophonium was made by Zeus's evil brother Hades and give to the Mayans to help predict the future in 1184 B.C. The Mayans didn't know what they had coming. Hades gave it to them as a trap to scare Darth Vader into giving him the design to the mellophone. When the Mayans found out they were all killed by ogres that had erctile dysfuction and couldn't mate at the right time and the Mayans seemed like the best choice to have messed up kids. And after these Ogre-human babies were born the Mayan mothers started to die off. That's very lucky of them.

Range of the Mellophone

The known range of the mellophone is the low F to the high C above High C. We have mapped approximately 16% of the range of this instrument, and have concluded that only a really cool person could play the high C over high high C. There may be a few H's and Z's in there somewhere, only Paul Atreides knows.

Mellophone Construction

Start with a trumpet, now enlarge the bell and add over 9000 fire decals, then paint it red. Slap on a V8 engine and an AK-47 and you have it. When it was built 1247 BC Dr. Spurlin knew that the instrument was special. He actually believed no mortal could play it, which explains our low musician numbers. On the opposite end of the spectrum, flutes were designed to poke things and turn off light switches from three feet way. The ones who learned to play it kept their souls. To build a mellophone, fly out to alpha centauri 4 and get some asteroid metal. Take the metal and put it into the vacuum of space for fourteen years. Return to earth and kill a few dragon llamas for their hearts. Burn the hearts and meld the metal into shape over the flames. Hammer out the bell with a plutonium mallet. If you aren't dead yet, dip the instrument into the fountain of youth and then coat the entire instrument with 367 karat gold. Polish the metal and you have a mellophone.

Disappearing Valve Oil

There is a strange phenomenon that is currently being studied, called the Disappearing Valve Oil Phenomenon. Valve oil seems to have a life of its own and either disappears from the owner or disappears promptly after being borrowed by someone. The borrower also mysteriously suffers from a case of amnesia and has no recollection of the valve oil, but they are left with a spiffy-looking instrument. Truly curious, indeed.

The Book of Mellophone

Death or woodwinds await those non-mellophonists who dare to open this tome.

Required reading for all mellophonists, The Book of Mellophone is the instruction manual handed to the ninjas along with the first mellophone. Anyone other than a mellophone player that reads it is doomed to a fate worse than what the Mayans endured: Playing clarinet with the Cadets. It is unknown how many copies of the book are still in existence.

Commandments

1. Thou shall never befriend a Trumpet
2. Thou shall never befriend a Trumpet
3. Thou shall look down upon all members of thee band, fore they art inferior.
4. Thou shall worship French Horns for they art thine fathers and deserve respect.