User:Simsilikesims/Death
“I laughed in Death's face once. She cried and I immediately felt bad. Didn't feel bad long. Nailed her a few seconds later.”
A former horseman of the apocalypse, Death has since retired, and is living her unlife out on the green. In recent times, commonality of her image has forced her to change her stature for something different, in order to attract less attention.
Death enjoys golf, warm cups of tea, dark clothing, dark colours, and the occasional canary. Although she is rarely seen outside of her new state, she sometimes makes guest appearances in his old habit, as US Senator Orrin Hatch.
She still does parties, however, but could not be reached for commentary regarding costs.
But people still fear death, the here's what they think[edit | edit source]
Death goes by different guises in different cultures. Death lives in Sweden. To Europeans, she is the Grim Reaper, a scythe-wielding skeleton in black robes. In the Bible, she is depicted as a pale figure on a pale horse. To the Hindus, Death is called Yama, and rides a black buffalo. To the Creatures of the Moon, she is an asteroid collision. However, it is widely accepted that Death actually is a Red Ring. This is a myth, and she has, since the beginning of time, stayed as a 21 year old boygirl, except when visiting Mormons, when she takes on her more traditional form of the skeleton in a robe to scare them (She loves Mormons). Death took a holiday during 442-443[1], as a consequence she had to send in some plagues a little bit later. This was widely accepted as proper work. Death is the cause of 89.5% of dead people in this world...10.5% are grue related.
Background[edit | edit source]
Death (known as 'Evy' to her friends) first got her job years ago around the beginning of time. God walked up to Death and said, "Hey, I got a job I need someone to do. You doing anything right now?" And Death replied, "Sure, the Apocalypse thing's screwed anyway, I've got nothing better going on." God said, "OK, great. See, we've got this little problem..." and he explains all about Eve, and the snake, and the apple, and how now everything has to die. Death thinks "Man, this is kind of extreme... if you don't want people grabbing your fruit, just put it in a fruit bowl in your kitchen like a normal person." But hey, who's gonna argue with God?
Death was then given the ability to reward or punish the living. She was given the power to know what all people are doing, all the time. She was given an apartment on level seven in heaven, above St. Peter's apartment (He complains about the noise every weekend due to her penchant to host 48-hour-long parties with her on-off boyfriend (who she met on her holiday in 442-443 AD)). Finally, she was given the power to travel rapidly across the world to do her work, visiting every house in the world in one evening if she has to. So when you think about it, Death is sorta like Santa... only that she doesn't do it to sniff little girls' panties in the night.
Originally, Death didn't have a scythe. This was because it was still Stone Age times and they didn't have any metal tools. So she had to make do the available technology, and she would carry a pointed stick, or a big rock, and she wore the skin of a black bear. In the Middle Ages, Death took on her familiar scythe-and-cloak appearance. After a few hundred years, Death got sick of wearing a black snuggie all the time. After consulting her BFF Sailor Jupiter, she decided to wear a little black dress so she could have a flawless transition from tearing souls from people's bodies during the day to tearing up the dance floor with the Jesus Christ at the club.
These days, Death likes to wear a black raincoat and carries a weed-whacker. She still like minidresses, though. They're hawt. In the future, she will wear a tuxedo and carry a gun. At parties her attire consists of exclusively D&G talior made clothes, varying from full length dresses to jeans and t-shirt. However, these are never in any colour but black. She wears black eye-liner and lipstick, but no foundation, due to the perfect nature of her skin. Because of this, she used to work for Olay as a second job during the heavenly recession, but since has dropped the job (some suspect it was because she was a target of teasing due to her emo appearance).
Death has gone on record saying her favourite food is Chocolate, however new sources say that it may be Tubby Custard. It has also come to light that she likes Margaritas in the 3:1:1. Though few have seen her do her work, it is still rather a fail.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
Death enjoys Expressos', baseball, dark clothing, warm cups of tea, stabbing everyone and everything, reading novels by Stephen King, ballet, long walks on the beach, poking other dead things with sticks, shopping, playing with her dog Cerberus, spending time with Allah, ripping the souls of the living from the coils of their rapidly cooling flesh, kittens and Indian food. Although sometimes confused with goths, Death simply wears black because it is both slimming on all figures and hides the stains well (which her work involves a lot of.)The music she enjoys is old-school country, black metal, death metal (a genre that she created), and '80s music. Death is also a cosplayer, and with her buddies, will dress up as the Soul Society. She also has been seen giving fashion advice to her fellow Horsemen of the Apocolpyse.
Personal likes of Death include cigarettes, NASCAR (mostly she likes to watch the crashes), funerals, nightclubs, highly communicable diseases, bungee jumping, skydiving, Russian roulette, horror films, Costa Coffee, her on-off boyfriend and RIPPING OUT YOUR SOUL WITH HER BARE HANDS. Things Death dislikes include peace treaties, vaccines, bouncers that won't let her in, seatbelts, math, Miley Cyrus, her on-off boyfriend, looking both ways before crossing the street, handrails, harness's and her biggest hate, Starbucks. Death also likes to eat at the various fast food restaurants around the USA, and therefore cursing them...
Dealing with Death[edit | edit source]
Although Death's entire purpose is to reap the souls of the living, she must closely follow the rules laid down for the afterlife. So in terms of alignment, she's lawful evil. This means that it is possible to bargain with Death. Death is partial to games - she loves nothing more than a good game, so if you find yourself face to face with the Reaper, it may be possible to offer to play against her for your life. Traditionally, this has meant a game of chess or a card game. These days, Death is into Halo, and many a poor n00b has gambled with his life, only to be pwned by Death's wicked Halo skills. Occasionally, she is challenged to a game of solitaire, which is the only game she cannot play apart from the game of Life. These challengers are normally found at the bottom of wells several days after they challenge her.
How to benefit from death...
- You might be "willed" some of their stuff.
- You can call dibs on their colour TV.
- You can then play with your new stuff.
- One person will be taken out of the gene pool, i.e.: more possible sex for you.
- They will have no children, so the little pricks won't disturb your peace.
- They will take up less physical space, which means they will not breathe air that could be yours, and you can live in a bigger house.
- They won't take as much food, which means that the double cheeseburger you just ordered is ALL YOURS.
- You're one car length up in traffic tomorrow!
- There is an 80% chance they were an idiot so, hey, no harm done.
- Their girlfriend/boyfriend is now "open to the public". (Downside: If YOU die YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend is now "Open to the public" and in need of comforting.)
- If he/she was French, one less person spreading terrible smells!
- No more of those awkward moments when you are stealing their wife/husband, money, children, funk, or juicy stuff.
- Death is sometimes good, like when that asshole in front of you in line in the bank is COUNTING ALL OF HIS MONEY IN PENNIES.
- If you are starving, the dead body will satisfy your stomach and (ahem) other needs.
- If you're in a war and all your enemies are dead in their base, then ALL THEIR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!
- You could be their long lost nephew and they probably might have been your millionaire uncle and you could inherit their money. But in order to do so you would have to spend 30 million in 30 days in order to get the money with a set list of guidelines to follow resulting in hilarious shenanigans, and probably resulting in a film based on this venture co-starring John Candy.
- You will have yet another excuse to whine about on Facebook, Twitter, etc.
- If the person died by old age, instantly run to buy a lottery ticket. Your Chances of winning might increase by 250%.
- If you happen to be taken before your time, don't worry! You will be given an Elephant as a disclamer prize! Everyone loves Elephants.
Famous Last Words[edit | edit source]
“ Isn't that plane flying a little close? ”
“ "FALCONNNNNNNNN PUNCHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"”
“ I'll be back.”
“ I won't be back.”
“ No! Not into the pit! IT BURNS!!!”
“ Don't worry, I won't fall.”
“ Hey guys! Check this out.”
“ 10 seconds. Heck, I only need 5.”
“ Don't worry. It's only a myth that bulls like red.”
“ Go away, I'm all right.”
“ Oh, I am slain.”
“ Ay, ay, a scatch, a scratch.”
“ Rosebud ... ”
“ Shoot me in the chest. ”
“ Well, at least I impailed his mom.”
“ No! This cannot be! I am invincible!”
“ Is it a bird? Is it a plane?... No, it's definetely a plane.”
“ Tu quoque, fili?”
“ Useless.”
“ I should have drunk more champagne.”
“ Don't worry, it's just a flesh wound.”
“ Epic Life Fail.”
“ I NEVER die!!!”
“ I'd better get a bit of practice in.”
“ Now listen up! I'm only going to do this once! I WILL NOT DO THIS AGAIN YOU UNDERSTAND?!”
“ I am dead, Horatio.”
{{Q Is that real or am i just fucked up, Abhilash Veerapaneni
“ Don't worry, stingrays are harmless.”
“ Myself and this wallpaper are fighting a duel to the death. Eventually one of us has to go.”
“ CHEEZBURGA!”
“ Hey Nannerl, what are you doing with that hammer?”
“ HELP ME!”
“ I'm not racist but...”
“ Is that a gun in your hand Courtney?”
“ My Precioussss!”
“ Son of a bitch! You son of a bitch!”
“ Oopsy!”
“ What are you doing with that knife, Siddy baby?”
“ This will work.”
“ No, no. I'm sure he said it was the blue wire... ”
“ SORRY!! PLEASE!!! DON'T KILL ME!!! I WILL DO BETTER NEXT SEMESTER!!”
“ ...WHO THE FUCK PARKED THEIR CAR ON MY SANDWICH?!?!”
World's Leading Causes of Death[edit | edit source]
“The world's number one cause of Death is... dying.”
Having been spooked by death and the uncertainty about existence following it, governments have taken to studying the causes of death. (At first they used witchcraft, and then masturbation, before settling on asking people at funerals how the guest of honor died. Nowadays, they pounce on doctors and guro specialists, and occasionally on each other. Or they look in fortune cookies or try it themselves and commit suicide. Ask Budd Dwyer.
| Group | Cause | Percent of deaths |
Deaths per 100,000 per year | ||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| All | Male | Female | |||
| Watching Britney Spears tap dance | Suicide | 100.00 | A lot | Most | Somghaxwtfallthetime |
| Painful | Getting a cramp in your brain from thinking too much | 29.34 | 268.8 | 278.3 | 259.4 |
| Failure | Choking on air and dying | 524326 | 643 | 23465 | 24/7 |
| Hair | Basically having too little of it (most common among hair metal bands of the 80s) | 19.12 | 175.2 | 185.1 | 165.1 |
| Natural | Falling from a small tree and landing on your face | 12.49 | 114.4 | 126.9 | 101.7 |
| Disease | Super AIDS | 9.66 | 88.5 | 81.4 | 95.6 |
| Time Travel | Going back in time and killing yourself | 8.66 | 78.5 | 71.4 | 85.6 |
| Stupidity | Being sat on by a giant frog | 7.96 | 73.7 | 74.8 | 72.5 |
| Unnatural | Raped by Madonna | 6.95 | 63.7 | 63.8 | 63.5 |
| Stupidity (2) | Trying to watch a bullet come out of a gun (exception is Neo from The Matrix) | 6.95 | 63.7 | 63.5 | 63.8 |
| An Hero | Being Hit With A Sword By Your Own Party Member In A Tragic Case Of Mistaken Identity, While Using Caps In The Beginning Of Each Word. | 6.81 | 62.2 | 62.2 | 62.2 |
| Scary | Giving your wife a "Superman" at the wrong time of month | 6.81 | 62.2 | 62.2 | 62.2 |
| Spike Spiegel | Being Spike from Cowboy Bebop means you will die, because Spike dies. | 100.00 | 1 | 1 | 0 |
| Friends | Thinking you had any | 6.60 | 61.8 | 71.1 | 56.9 |
| Gun shot | Blown up with up to 6 or 7 other people in a bazooka explosion | 6.34 | 55.8 | 63.3 | 55.8 |
| Natural | Snakes on a plane | 6.23 | 57.0 | 73.7 | 40.2 |
| Old Age | Living over 9000 years or losing your marbles, or both (Everyone always die anyway) | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| War | Call of Duty | 4.87 | 44.6 | 46.2 | 45.0 |
| Torture | Listening to a 47-minute version of Freebird in the key of G by Deep South Death Metal band called Racehorse Piss | 4.56 | 44.2 | 46.1 | 44.7 |
| Foolishness | Bouncing up and down in a suit of armour on top of a hill in the middle of a thunderstorm shouting that you hate all gods | 4.56 | 44.2 | 46.1 | 44.7 |
| War | Saddam's non-existent weapons of mass destruction | 100 (himself) | 0 | 0 | 0 |
| Hunting | Going hunting with your drunk friend and with Dick Cheney | 8.37 | 45.6 | 50.0 | 12.2 |
| Pesticides | Inhaling sunlight soap thinking it's crack | 2.64 | 22.2 | 78.0 | 2.5 |
| Wands | Accidentally casting magic while drunk. (For instance Voldemort) | 2.64 | 22.2 | 78.5 | 2.0 |
| Suicide | Like when two big guys walk up to you in a prison shower | 2.0 | 2.00 | 2.00 | 2.00 |
| Screwing up | Especially when you were told not to screw up | 1.00 | 1.00 | 1.00 | 1.00 |
| Money/An Hero | Making stupid loans and starving as result | 0.64 | 12.2 | 0.5 | 0.7 |
| Torture | Listening to any High School Musical soundtrack, Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers causes people to commit suicide | 100 | 100 | 100 | 100 |
| Taking in the Washing | Boredom | 100 | 20 | 19 | 1 |
| Chuck Norris | Living | All that will and has been | 100,001 | Infinity | Infinity |
| spontaneous human combustion/orgasm death (girls only) | Listening to any of justin biebers songs, no make that just looking at his face | infinite | 99.99999999999% | 100.00% | 50.00% |
Source: World Health Organization, 2004, when having fun over beer and marijuana.
Having a Funeral[edit | edit source]
After your death, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" which continues to grow and will only stop when the people are too far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.
A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally not advised as it has been shown that such ceremonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I apologize for any inconvenience this death may have caused," and "He/She was a total asshole anyway."
If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that their soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different religions use. There is a rumor that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.
At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. (Well, it might have started at bar mitzvahs, graduations, and kinky sex festivals, but it's certainly metastasized to funerals.) It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond (and rather fake) memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favourite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.
Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.
Life After Death[edit | edit source]
Some people believe this happens, some don't, it has been proven by Chuck Norris that when you die, you become even more awesome than before, and live again, but that was Chuck Norris, it's different for everyone.
Depending on your personality, you could....
- Spend all of eternity in heaven
- Be reincarnated as something until you achieve Nirvana (the band?)
- Become a zombie and eat peoples brains, and then get killed by Will Smith
- Come back to life as a REAL garlic fearing vampire (Not a Sparkly Douchebag)
- Go to hell
- Pack a LOT of Fudge
- Become a ghost
- Stay a rotting corpse in the ground until some idiots dig you up looking for treasure.
- Eat a Dick
The Costa Coffee Cult and the Great Coffee War[edit | edit source]
Deep within Death's library, she keeps a book within which is written the victor of the Great Coffee War. Death herself knows who this is, and deliberately pisses off everyone else by not telling them. She is supposed to be neutral in the war and not take side, but she is ignoring this rule. Her bias in the war is towards Costa Coffee, meaning that Starbucks is basically screwed, because nothing can stop Death. Especially if they are threatening to take away her favorite coffee store.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Afterlife
- Top 10 ways to die
- HowTo: Commit The Perfect Murder
- Catrina
- Dead
- Being dead
- The Curious Case of Norris Drabné
- Chuck Norris
- Grue
- Deadliest Warrior
- Grim Reaper
- Cowboy Bebop
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ en.Wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:5th-century_deaths
