Deadliest Warrior
“My name's Paul, and this shit's between y'all.”
“You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up! Cause I'll come over there and jam this oar up your ass!!”
Deadliest Warrior is an inherently ill-advised television show recently created and completed on Spike TV, in which not only are warriors who would never have met each other forced to fight to the death, but given that there are only two sides to each episode, the title should have been "The Deadlier Warrior." One of the worst television shows ever produced.The Star of this Show is Chester Porter because he is a freaking beast and kicked Chuck Norris's butt.
In English grammar, this is known as the common mistake of confusing the comparative adjectives with the superlative adjectives. When there are only two choices, the deadlier one is referred to as the deadlier one, because he is deadlier than the less deadly one, hence the adjective "deadlier."
When there are three or more choices, the deadliest one is referred to as the deadliest one in order to distinguish him from one of the deadlier ones who is, however, not deadlier than the deadliest one, hence the adjective "deadliest."
Cast[edit | edit source]
Max "Paine" Gayger (Porn Career Name) was a former co-host and self proclaimed "homosexual sadist" (Starring In Countless Kink.com films). Gayger was in charge of the combat simulations program (created by Gayger himself the simulation program is called B.I.A.S.E.D.), and othet technical details (such as how many fingers he could stick up hiss ass). Gayger would often give his personal opinion and commentary during testing and is known for constantly stating "The warrior who is truly deadly is the warrior who has the largest penis and the most sexual prowess.". It was stated on his twitter (to the rejoice of many fans) that he would not be making a return to deadliest warrior season three (Due to a scandal involving Gayger, a dwarf posing as a seven year old, and Chris Hansen) and that Gayger would be returning to his former torture porn career at Kink.Com. It was announced that he would be replaced by former Navy Seal Richard "Mack" Machowicz.
Format of Show[edit | edit source]
The show is supposedly based on the mathematical computations of a team of geeky scientists who think they know fighting because they're great at Mortal Kombat. They also have a team of "experts", most of whom are actually actors and stunt men with no academic credentials, thereby making them perfect for the fake bullshit on this show. They test the most famous weapons of each fighter, like ninja stars, roundhouse kicks, hydrogen bombs, grenades, broken beer bottles, chairs, pool cues, Gerri Curl juice, spermatozoa, AstroGlide, etc. Kitten huffing is not uncommon either. They test them on human dummies filled with Megan Fox's period blood, Kosher-killed pigs, pig brains, pig feet, athlete's pig feet, condemned pedophiles, people who just agree to the experiments (ahh, ya give 'em a couple hundred bucks for their trouble, you know). Kosher times Kosher. Kosher squared.
But they do not feed the results of this information into a computer until AFTER they have argued which one looked cooler. And guess what? Yep! Hydrogen bombs don't look as cool as a morning star buried into some poor pig's nuts. So the knight would win in a one-on-one match against a United States Air Force colonel. But at the end of the day, the final decision goes to that short fat computer nerd who still lives in his moms basement and plays with Legos all day. He sees which weapon gives him the biggest erection, masturbates, and gives edge accordingly.
Episodes[edit | edit source]
The show began with fine intentions, and quickly degenerated into a dick-measuring contest. Following are all the episodes which have been filmed but not necessarily aired, chronologically.
1. Apache vs. (Roman) Gladiator
- Whereas, the show did not specify what nationality the gladiator was, they made it quite obvious they meant the Roman one. The one that fought in the Circus Maximus and the Colosseum. But then, it doesn't matter, because he got his ass kicked by the Apache. I mean it. The Apache just fucking murdered him. Fuck a gladiator. And fuck Russell Crowe, now that I think about it. Wind in his Hair, all the way.
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
- The Samurai is recorded as having said, "Ho-ry fuck! Shoot him! Shoot him!! SHOOT HIM!!!"
- The Samurai, indeed, shot him, but not before the Viking critically wounded him, and then slammed his own battle-axe into his (the Viking's) head, killing himself. Moral of the story? Don't eat the shrooms. Despite the Samurai not being able to even scratch the Viking's armor, he still won, because everyone knows Asians are the coolest and best. This is how real science works, kids.
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
- The ninja attempted to sneak up from behind the Spartan and stab him in the back, but the Spartan heard him coming, turned and shouted, "THIS IS NINJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!" which did not have any real bearing on the situation. Nevertheless, the ninja stopped, shat out his testicles, and dropped dead like a BITCH.
""WINNER: THE NINJA'S ALTER EGO""
- Knights may have had more armor than most modern cars, but everybody knows that pirates had guns! Sure, the guns would be as useful in actual combat against a knight as a bowl of flaccid dicks, but explosions give virgin Max a raging erection.
WINNER: The Internet
- What the fuck? The Italian mafia, btw. There are lots of mafiae. The Dagos won, because, well, they got a long history of being Dagos. Wops. Guineas. Poor, dirt-starving street urchins, who grew up fighting, killing, stealing to live. They all have Chicago Typewriters. And baseball bats. They whooped the living Jesus outta the Yakuza. Eye of the Tiger.
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
6. Green Beret vs. Spetsnaz
- But the show swore that the Spetsnaz, who are Russian, btw, would win 519 to 481, very close, because they have a knife on a spring that they use to shoot you. Unfortunately, that's still bringing a knife to a gunfight. And the Green Beret sure as hell knows that the Spetsnaz has a spring knife. No surprise in store for him. The Spetsnaz strategy of rolling around on the fuckin' floor, completely vulnerable proved to be completely useless, therfore automatically giving the win to Stalinsnaz.
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
Know what ya never hear about on this show? Buncha Jews gettin' hit by a tornado.
7. Shaolin Monk vs. Maori Tribesman
- Are you shittin' me?! Shaolin cut the Maori to shit the Maori's weapons were cool but couldnt beat 2 steel giant hooks that cut the Maori up.
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
8. William Walrus vs. Shaka Zulu
- The Black man was no match for pure English killing, blue face, for the giant sword wielding Scottish man is unstoppable.
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
9. IRA vs. Taliban
- Taliban got crushed like the roaches they are the IRA blew the shit out of them proving the AK-47 sucks
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
10. Attila the Hun vs. Alexander the Great
- Two historical figures known for their TACTICAL genius and campaigning success, not personal merit in combat. BUT HEI IT SOUNDED COOL SO I DUN KNOW LOL
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
'"11. Jesse James vs. Al Capone"'
- The dagos came back to beat up Owen Wilson, but forgot their baseball bats so they had to use their pussy-ass knuckle bruising whammy dusters and their small penis knife. David the Bowie knife ended up saving John Wayne's ass with his mad pig-killing skillz. In conclusion, FAT PEOPLE GETS SHOOTED IN THE HEAD, LOL!
'"WINNER: Bruce Campbell"'
'"12. Aztec Kitties vs. Dandy Zande Warriors"'
- Two men dressed in very little clothing! Montezuema wears the furs of his favorite pet cat and has a big spear. The other wears a fluffy hat and wields a weapon that he shaped after his own genitals. The fluffy hat man dances around the spears thrown at him and uses his testical sword to create some new orifices for Ol' Monty.
'"WINNER: Nute Gunray, who loaned him the hat."'
13. Nazi Waffen SS vs. Charlie
- The only army in the world that gave the US a run for its money is stomped into the ground by the peeps that the US stomped into the ground! Not only is it illogical, but it is not kosher!
WINNER: Iowa Nazis
14: Dracula vs. Sunny Delight Tzu
- Chinese farmer Sunny Tzu bends over for Vlad the Impaler and gets impaled on his teen foot pole!
WINNER: Bruce Campbell
15. George Washington vs. Napoleon Blownapharte
- Two more men best known for their tactics rather than their hand-to-hand ninja skills. Bonaparte had a special "X-factor" of 200,000 man army vs. George's 2000 man army, but the experts claimed that he was to short to reach Washington. Napoleon was cut down to size a third time. As if being beaten by their mutual enemy King George IV was not enough. Viva la REVOLUTION!
WINNER: Bill and Ted