Catrina

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This early 20th century engraving depicts Lady Death in her Méxican incarnation as 'La Catrina'

In Mexico, Catrina is the name of Death. No, seriously.

A Mexican voodoo conspiracy to destroy the United States[edit | edit source]

You see, La Catrina has been working for us all along, she went undercover and disguised herself as a natural disaster, she went under the false name Katrina (Well, we admit she doesn't have much of an imagination in the first place!) and ran amok.

La Catrina has been always present in Mexican Culture. She was popularised by Mexican Engraver José_Guadalupe_Posada, but her tradition comes from the Aztec Pantheon, especially Mictecacihuatl, the Aztec Lady of Death.

Well, you don't like us and we don't like you, but we don't have any money to buy airplanes and crash them into your cities, we cannot afford suicide bombers and our militia is merely ornamental, our only resource was asking our Goddess of Death to go and smite you.

Serious zone: The following section contains no jokes. Don't expect any laughs. (Unless you laugh at disclaimers. We don't judge.)
New Orleans is 90% under water and hundreds are known dead with thousands more feared dead, with additional daily casulties. The city is considered uninhabitable for months, with mass chaos, looting, no utilities, fires, and the fear of rampant disease. Over 1 million people are displaced, and rightfully are pissed off. [1][2] The fate is similar for other states lining the gulf coast, with over 3 quarters of Missississippi without power, and houses flattened, with the hardest part of the storm hitting Gulfport, Mississippi.
End of serious zone: Prepare for jokes in bad taste. You have been warned.

Well, the cat is out of the hat, now you los gringos can continue shooting Mexicans trying to cross the border without remorse.

That's what you wanted, right?

Advance "told-ya-so" predictions[edit | edit source]

Catrina is indeed the gal that momma has been warning you about for years:

  • "A major hurricane could swamp New Orleans under 20 feet of water, killing thousands. Human activities along the Mississippi River have dramatically increased the risk, and now only massive reengineering of southeastern Louisiana can save the city" - Scientific American, October 2001
  • "In the face of an approaching storm, scientists say, the city's less-than-adequate evacuation routes would strand 250,000 people or more, and probably kill one of 10 left behind as the city drowned under 20 feet of water." - Houston Chronicle, December 2001
  • "Hurricane Andrew in August 1992 skirted New Orleans on three sides, fortunately looping around the community and thus not putting its levees and other protective structures to a test. However, if the levees and dikes had broken during that storm, as many as 100,000 people could have drowned." - March 2002 Observer - On the line
Levees overtopped by Katrina
  • "Experts say a flood of this magnitude would probably shut down the city’s power plants and water and sewage treatment plants and might even take out its drainage system. The workhorse pumps would be clogged with debris, and the levees would suddenly be working to keep water in the city. Survivors of the storm—humans and animals alike—would be sharing space on the crests of levees until the Corps could dynamite holes in the structures to drain the area. In such a scenario, the American Red Cross estimates that between 25,000 and 100,000 people would die." Civil Engineering Magazine, June 2003
  • "The Federal Emergency Management Agency lists a hurricane strike on New Orleans as one of the most dire threats to the nation, up there with a large earthquake in California or a terrorist attack on New York City. Even the Red Cross no longer opens hurricane shelters in the city, claiming the risk to its workers is too great." "Gone with the water", April 2004, National Geographic
  • "Should this disaster become a reality, it would undoubtedly be one of the greatest disasters, if not the greatest, to hit the United States, with estimated costs exceeding 100 billion dollars. According to the American Red Cross, such an event could be even more devastating than a major earthquake in California. Survivors would have to endure conditions never before experienced in a North American disaster." National Hazards Observer, Nov 2004
  • "When most people think of New Orleans, they think of the French Quarter, Mardi Gras, jazz, gumbo. But according to federal officials one of the most dire threats facing the nation would be a massive hurricane striking New Orleans. They say that if a major storm had a direct hit here, the effect would be devastating. They're talking perhaps as many as 50,000 dead, up to a million homeless and a city under water." PBSNOVA ScienceNow, January 2005
  • "Soon the geographical "bowl" of the Crescent City would fill up with the waters of the lake, leaving those unable to evacuate with little option but to cluster on rooftops -- terrain they would have to share with hungry rats, fire ants, nutria, snakes, and perhaps alligators. The water itself would become a festering stew of sewage, gasoline, refinery chemicals, and debris." - American Prospect, May 2005
  • "If a hurricane comes next month, New Orleans could no longer exist." - Ivor van Heerden of Louisiana State University to US News & World Report, July 18, 2005 [3]

All the pumps to keep New Orleans dry were supposed to run on electricity. What happens to powerlines when a hurricane sweeps the country?

And you wonder why she's nothing but a heartbreaking bitch? Sheesh!

Radio silence[edit | edit source]

After Hurricane Katrina hit the coasts of America, the Romanian diaspora in the affected vicinity was forced to stop listening to a famous Romanian song interpreted by the national singer of this country. Sofia Vicoveanca is a famous Romanian singer/fortune teller, and it is believed that she can actually predict disasters and make songs about them before they actually happen. Till now nobody has been able to prove this theory, but the fact that she predicted the disaster made by the Hurricane Katrina with her 20 year old song called Hai Katrina si ne-arata, puts a question mark on a lot of scientists lips.

The Simon and Garfunkel rendition of Bridge over Troubled Waters is also temporarily unavailable in the wake of the I-10 twin-span bridge collapse.

While sad songs say so much, please do remember before asking the band to strike up the Tom Petty tune You don't have to live like a refugee that not all No Orleanians wish to be addressed with this term.

Use of the moniker "Boat People" and the Styx tune "Come sail away" is therefore preferred.

Opportunist SOBs[edit | edit source]

So-called Christians[edit | edit source]

  • This turd linked from Portal of Evil
  • Notorious Archvillain Fred Phelps Sr., "pastor" of Topeka's #1 tourist attraction, Westboro Baptist Church, has spoken out in support of the hurricane [4] and in opposition to the dikes.
  • Opportunistic Bastard who found perfect opportunity for recruitment. [5]
  • Schatological (as in eats shit) wacko who thinks the world is coming to an end. Puh-leeze! That is sooo 1999!!! [6]
  • Anti-abortionist whose feverish imagination makes him see fetuses everywhere. [7]

So-called Jews[edit | edit source]

  • Orthodox rabbi blaming the disaster on an insufficient number of African-American Torah scholars. [8] [9]

So-called Muslims[edit | edit source]

  • Apparently, Allah sent the storm because "maybe a mother who had lost her son or a son whose parents were killed or a woman who was raped" prayed for revenge [10]. Unfortunately, when Katrina visited Afghanistan to show her appreciation, she forgot to wear a Burqa and was stoned to death. Boy, was Allah pissed!

Other bastards[edit | edit source]

  • Price-gougers [11], scam artists and used car dealers offering to resell "pre-enjoyed cars owned by a little lady named Katrina" as far afield as Los Angeles and San Francisco [12].
  • Insurance companies spouting the mantra "Your policy only covers hellfire and damnation, not floods and hurricanes."

No lessons learned[edit | edit source]

No Orleans schools, already a disaster, will not be reopened as they were already bankrupt long before Katrina and Rita hit the doomed city. The school buses will therefore remain in their current underwater location. Given the wretched condition of the former city's education system, its permanent closure is no great loss.

There will be many fine schools in post-Katrina No Orleans, but they will be schools of fish.

Displaced public school students will be transferred to the crappiest schools in East Baton Rouge where they will be known as refugees. Baton Rouge students feeling threatened by New Orleans students, suspecting them of stealing and eating their food stamps, have asked that refugees NOT be given school uniforms so they may be picked out of a crowd more easily. Students will beat the living shit out of each other at least once a week. Those who paid sky-high tuition rates for big-name colleges and have ended up in Shreveport and Surrounding Farms College of Pig Farming instead will not be refunded the difference in tuition costs, as a pigpen is on average much cleaner than whatever's left of No Orleans.

Meanwhile, fish in new, top-quality New Atlantis schools will mutate in response to the chemical waste which blankets the former townsite and perhaps gain the new sentinent powers needed to wrest control of the destroyed city from the sharks and barracudas who currently control New Venice.

See Also[edit | edit source]

External Links[edit | edit source]


 
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