User:Bradaphraser/SupperBowl

Rex "Grossman," the league's premier Zombied Quarterback.

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Today's Featured Advert Walter Peyton "Place" Manning is the second-greatest quarterback in NFL history, and the older brother of the greatest QB in NFL history, Eli Messiah. He hasn't won a championship because his teammates suck royally. His entire career is exactly like his father's, promising but ultimately insufficient, and it's all his teammates' faults. Manning is also noted for throwing an NFL record 78 touchdown passes during Madden NFL 2004, barely surpassing Dan Marino's 76 TDs during Tecmo Super Bowl in 1991. Manning is a good teammate, and as such, hasn't said anything, but his entire team sucks except for him. So far he has nothing to say about coaches and management. Some people say this is because he is white enough to not anger the people who sign the checks and call the plays that he then waves off with five seconds on the clock, but they're a bunch of racists. He's not like Terrell Owens, ok? And don't say Owens isn't white enough to be as ignorant as Manning and get away with it, ok. You don't understand NFL politics at all. (more...) Recently featured: Vietnam War Hoax - Uncyclopedia for Dummies - HowTo:Run away from home - Blackbeard Catering Company - Really Big Tree Yesterday's Featured Advert WASHINGTON DC - Over a week after the historic health care bill was passed, President Barack Obama gave his seven hundredth speech on health care reform today in front of the United States Congress. Addressing the nation in the most serious expression and tone, the President said: "My fellow Americans: April Fools!" This left a cold silence in the house, broken only by the President's own hysterical laughter. After calming down and catching his breath, President Obama explained the joke to the confused masses: You're probably wondering what's so funny. I'll tell you what's funny: The health care bill! The entire thing. It's one big, fat joke! Think about it: Forcing everyone to buy insurance in order to lower premium costs? That's preposterous! It completely defies the law of supply and demand! Just saying it out loud reveals it's absurdity! And let's not forget the new regulations on insurance companies and added taxation. You'd think I was actually trying to keep prices up! Rest assured, though, if by chance you won't be able to afford health insurance after these policies take effect, you'll still receive quality, free health care once you're thrown into prison! Many out there are not worried about the economic details, but more concerned about the coverage they already have. You remember I said, "If you're satisfied with your insurance, you can keep it." Well, I want to make it completely clear once again: The government will do absolutely nothing to interfere with your current insurance policy. However, your cheapskate Scrooge of a boss has every right to dump your sorry behind on the government plan if he wants to save a few dollars! Of course, seniors want to know my solution to the upcoming Medicare deficit. In a nutshell, we're basically going to expand it to everyone! Seriously, people, Fascism wasn't this back-asswards! Oh my God, if only you could see your faces America! (Full article...) Recently featured: Bill Clinton Buffalo Bills UnGames:Garlic bread Orchid Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... ... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay? ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%? ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible? ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap? ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms? ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual? ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured) ... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide? ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip? ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really. ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise? ... that you actually didn't know? ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time? ... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin? ... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay? ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%? ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible? ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap? ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms? ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual? ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one? ... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured) ... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide? ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip? ... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really. ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise? ... that you actually didn't know? ... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time? ... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin? ... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay? ... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%? ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible? ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap? ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms? ... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual? ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it? ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?	In the news Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd. Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured) Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • War Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • UConn ladies' basketball season + Jordan's Furniture customers • Jesus Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP On this day... April 5: National Bullying Day (Scotland) 1614 - Pocahontas sells life story to Disney for a handful of plastic beads 1640 - King Charles I of England disbands the Short Parliament because "Who cares what happens to short people?" 1945 - USSR deploys troops in Yugoslavia to act as security at TATU gig. 1955 - Winston Churchill gives up politics and goes into insurance. 1979 - Robin dies of Bat-AIDs, a grieving Batman later patents the first Bat-Condoms. 1992 - Several hundred thousand abortion rights demonstrators march on top of babies in Washington D.C. 2000 - Global warming is first linked to the phenomenon of climate change.
Today's featured picture August 6, 1945: After being given superpowers by the Manhattan Project, Harry S. Truman, the Truman Torch, personally drops the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, signalling the beginning of the end of World War II. Truman's flight was the culmination of the Manhattan Project, a sustained secret project by the United States military to develop superpowers in order to resurrect the American Justice Coalition. Because superhero technology was so valuable, the project was disguised as an effort to create a nuclear bomb, a deception that was so complete that the nuclear bomb was also developed. Subsequently, all American presidents have been endowed with superpowers and occasionally fight together as the New American Justice Coalition. Image credit: Isra1337 View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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