Today's Featured Advert
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Walter Peyton "Place" Manning is the second-greatest quarterback in NFL history, and the older brother of the greatest QB in NFL history, Eli Messiah. He hasn't won a championship because his teammates suck royally. His entire career is exactly like his father's, promising but ultimately insufficient, and it's all his teammates' faults.
Manning is also noted for throwing an NFL record 78 touchdown passes during Madden NFL 2004, barely surpassing Dan Marino's 76 TDs during Tecmo Super Bowl in 1991.
Manning is a good teammate, and as such, hasn't said anything, but his entire team sucks except for him.
So far he has nothing to say about coaches and management. Some people say this is because he is white enough to not anger the people who sign the checks and call the plays that he then waves off with five seconds on the clock, but they're a bunch of racists. He's not like Terrell Owens, ok? And don't say Owens isn't white enough to be as ignorant as Manning and get away with it, ok. You don't understand NFL politics at all.
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Recently featured: Vietnam War Hoax - Uncyclopedia for Dummies - HowTo:Run away from home - Blackbeard Catering Company - Really Big Tree
Yesterday's Featured Advert
Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived."
The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
- ... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
- ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
- ... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
- ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
- ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
 - ... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
- ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
- ... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
- ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
- ... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
- ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
 - ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
- ... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
- ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
- ... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
- ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
- ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
- ... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
- ... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
- ... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
- ... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
- ... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
- ... that my mom's name is also Martha?
- ... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
- ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
- ... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
- ... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
- ... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
- ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
- ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
- ... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 18: World Happiness Day
- 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
- 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
- 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
- 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
- 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
- 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
- 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
- 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
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