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Peyton Manning passes the turkey. Brian Urlacher competes for the title of "World's Hungriest Player" Rex "Grossman," the league's premier Zombied Quarterback. It's sad when everyone knows this kicker is the best player on either team.

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Today's Featured Advert

Peyton Manning.jpg

Walter Peyton "Place" Manning is the second-greatest quarterback in NFL history, and the older brother of the greatest QB in NFL history, Eli Messiah. He hasn't won a championship because his teammates suck royally. His entire career is exactly like his father's, promising but ultimately insufficient, and it's all his teammates' faults.

Manning is also noted for throwing an NFL record 78 touchdown passes during Madden NFL 2004, barely surpassing Dan Marino's 76 TDs during Tecmo Super Bowl in 1991.

Manning is a good teammate, and as such, hasn't said anything, but his entire team sucks except for him.

So far he has nothing to say about coaches and management. Some people say this is because he is white enough to not anger the people who sign the checks and call the plays that he then waves off with five seconds on the clock, but they're a bunch of racists. He's not like Terrell Owens, ok? And don't say Owens isn't white enough to be as ignorant as Manning and get away with it, ok. You don't understand NFL politics at all. (more...)

Recently featured: Vietnam War Hoax - Uncyclopedia for Dummies - HowTo:Run away from home - Blackbeard Catering Company - Really Big Tree


Yesterday's Featured Advert

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That old woman next door has owned her house since before you were born. Her house isn’t like anyone else’s house, because it’s really old, and has a tower. The siding is badly weathered, and there is a tin patch on the roof.

The old woman leaves her house twice each week. Every Sunday morning, she is picked up by a man in a green Cadillac; on Wednesday evenings, it’s a white-haired lady in a blue Dodge Dart, chewing on a German Snackard.

Once, your mother sent you over to her house with a piece of mail that got delivered to your house by mistake. Just when you got up on the porch and were about to put it in her box, she came out and grabbed your wrist and wanted to know "what you thought you were doing" with her mail. When you told her that your mother sent you over because the postman dropped the letter in your mailbox by mistake, she got this crazed look in her eyes, tightened the grip on your wrist, and said "we'll see about that." Then she let go of your wrist and disappeared inside. After that, if you found any of her mail left by mistake, you just threw it away, because you didn't want to have to deal with that crazy old bitch ever again. (Full article...)

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Did you know...

*... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
  • ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
  • ... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
  • ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?

In the news

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On this day...

"Eh, it was the 1910s, who wasn't committing genocide am I right?"

April 17: Genocide Appreciation Day

  • 1783 - America wins its war for independence. Agrees to continue the British policy of deindianization.
  • 1915 - The Armenian Genocide begins, Turkey declares it to be a startling coincidence.
  • 1932 - Joseph Stalin pays the clouds twelve rubles to stop raining in Ukraine, everyone dies.
  • 1940 - Adolf Hitler attempts to cleanse Europe of Jews and other minority groups, but creates antibiotic resistant Super-Minorities in the process.
  • 1967 - The Beatles write "Hey Jude", (German for "Kill everyone named Jude"). People are oblivious.
  • 1994 - The Rwandan Genocide begins, survivors of this tragedy glad that their suffering begot the critically acclaimed Don Cheadle film Hotel Rwanda.
  • 2016 - The Americans commits horrible genocide against their own brain cells, the rest flee to Canada.

Today's featured picture

Nuke Me if you can
Now showing at all good Middle-Eastern warzones near you!

Image credit: Olipro
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Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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