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Peyton Manning passes the turkey. Brian Urlacher competes for the title of "World's Hungriest Player" Rex "Grossman," the league's premier Zombied Quarterback. It's sad when everyone knows this kicker is the best player on either team.

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Today's Featured Advert

Peyton Manning.jpg

Walter Peyton "Place" Manning is the second-greatest quarterback in NFL history, and the older brother of the greatest QB in NFL history, Eli Messiah. He hasn't won a championship because his teammates suck royally. His entire career is exactly like his father's, promising but ultimately insufficient, and it's all his teammates' faults.

Manning is also noted for throwing an NFL record 78 touchdown passes during Madden NFL 2004, barely surpassing Dan Marino's 76 TDs during Tecmo Super Bowl in 1991.

Manning is a good teammate, and as such, hasn't said anything, but his entire team sucks except for him.

So far he has nothing to say about coaches and management. Some people say this is because he is white enough to not anger the people who sign the checks and call the plays that he then waves off with five seconds on the clock, but they're a bunch of racists. He's not like Terrell Owens, ok? And don't say Owens isn't white enough to be as ignorant as Manning and get away with it, ok. You don't understand NFL politics at all. (more...)

Recently featured: Vietnam War Hoax - Uncyclopedia for Dummies - HowTo:Run away from home - Blackbeard Catering Company - Really Big Tree


Yesterday's Featured Advert

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You, <insert name here> (???? – 2024) were born several years ago and now you are in Hell.

Hell Hell Hell.

You can whine and bitch about it, but it won't do any good. Because you are in Hell.

You at least want some questions answered?
Well, get used to suffering for eternity, sinner boy. (Full article...)

Did you know...

*... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
  • ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
  • ... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
  • ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
  • ... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?

In the news

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"He ah-no give me ah-good coverage!"

Ongoing: Eurovision Song ContestRussian InvasionIsrael-Hamas conflictUnited States presidential election aftermathNBA and NHL seasons • Athletes doing the "Trump Dance" • Bill Belichick going insane
Recent deaths: Brian Thompson (United Healthcare CEO)Democrat partyDiddy's careerThe Eras TourAlabama football's championship bidThe white guy from The Mod Squad
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir PutinBashar al-AssadDiddy's freedomBenjamin NetanyahuJay-Z's career and freedomKate MiddletonAaron Rodgers' career

On this day...

What a waste.

December 19: Shit! I Forgot to Pick My Blueberries! Day

  • 1714 - Shit, are those my blueberries? I could've sworn I picked those way back in August.
  • 1936 - Jesus Fuck. I was supposed to pick those blueberries (Pictured) months ago!
  • 1984 - Fuck me. I always forget about those fucking blueberries. I even set a fucking alarm. Fuck, why does this shit always happen to me.
  • 2004 - These blueberries are frozen solid. They're like ice now. Completely inedible.
  • 2009 - Even if I thaw it out it's gonna taste like freezer burned limes. I might as well just throw it out.
  • 2014 - Sometimes I wonder why I even bother.
  • 2017 - Maybe I should go back to trade school, maybe I wouldn't need to worry about blueberries no more.

Today's featured picture

Professional Potato Sack Racing
After tiring of bourgeois racing events such as MotoGP and Formula One, Valentino Rossi enters the competitive world of Potato Sack Racing

Image credit: Sonje
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Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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