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Today's featured article It's been 25 years since your grandmother died and I remembered how you cried like a little pussy as she wasted away into an emaciated pile of death. She'd bring us lemonade with a smile hiding her loneliness (being a widow and all from your grandfather's freak unexpected death). I think I deserved her love more than you but, you know, she was your grandma. I think she loved me more than she loved you, but I never said that because that would be an asshole move, and I love you brah, would never be a dick to you. We were young and awesome (especially me) with no idea about the hardships that would come with adult life. That is why I found it kind of hilarious to see her helpless in her hospital bed gagging on a tube. The irony is that she lived a selfless life and yet the universe didn't care. She spent her last days are with a tube down her throat unable to breathe. Of course I didn't laugh out loud (even though it was super funny), because that would have been terribly insensitive and I am a deeply caring awesome guy, especially when you are concerned. So I waited 10 years until I thought you'd be receptive to the hysterical comedic nature of that scene watching Grandma rot away in pain. Wasn't it a classic hoot? (Full article...) Recently featured: Holmium HowTo:Commit Tax Fraud by Giving Away Your Chocolate Factory Antipasta The Finals Archive · Vote for featured articles · You can vote for your favorite articles to be featured. More of the best of Uncyclopedia Download article feed plugin for Google Desktop edit Selected anniversaries January 5: Guillotine Day (France) 1789 - Joseph-Ignace Guillotin first proposes the idea of a simple cutting mechanism by which the heads of monarchist scum are efficiently detached. 1793 - Maximilien Robespierre, to speed up the long lines of people awaiting execution, designs a new guillotine based on Leonardo da Vinci's primitive helicopter designs. 1794 - Robespierre's severed head goes on to become the next Prime Minister of Belgium. 1977 - The last person to be execution by guillotine, Hamida Djandoubi, sells commemorative postcards to pay for his defense trial. 1996 - Georgia State Rep. Doug Teper is reelected on his promise to rename the guillotine the freedom slicer. 2003 - British scientists invent a hybrid lethal injection/guillotine device, by which the blade of a guillotine is replaced by a row of hypodermic needles. Archived Anniversaries	suggest Word of the day procrastination Try to use it in conversation. Knowledge is power. edit In the news Great start to the year! Trump given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for ending war he started 3 hours ago (Pictured) Kansas City Chiefs impulsively fire Missouri as home state, moving to actual Kansas after missing playoffs UnNews wishes to all users a merry December Holiday Dick Van Dyke is 100, bitches! ICE spotted stealing everyone's ice cream in America North Sentinelese discover fire, accidentally burn down entire island Elon Musk: "Cancel Netflix! I don't care if Max wakes up." 6 or 7 buildings burn in Hong Kong Labour approval hits record low during Starmer premiership, PM resorts to "getting down with the youth" The New York Yankees now fucking suck Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI and Spaceballs 2 • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • Non-Bears invading Tennessee • Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans shitting themselves after losing the division to Bryce Freaking Young due to a dumb tiebreaker • Nanny state officials breaching people's right to privacy via enforcing social media bans and digital ID on their respective countries under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Venezuelans unsure whether to freak out or celebrate Recent deaths: Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm • Kansas City Chiefs', Dallas Cowboys', Detroit Lions', Indianapolis Colts' and Buccaneers' seasons • Rob Reiner • Bowen Yang's tenure on SNL • Patrick Mahomes' and his backup's ACLs • Brigitte Bardot • Carl Yastrzmski • 2025 • The MetroCard • Stranger Things • Kali • Vecna • The Upside Down • Buffalo Sabres' unexpected 10-game win streak Not dead: Eleven Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • The Pittsburgh Steelers' fucking up once again • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Netflix • The Sabres actually being good? More Current Events at UnNews News edit Did you know... ... that Bill Cowher isn't actually that fireman that saved you, ma'am? ... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion? Do you care... ... that Peyton Manning knows Terrell Owens is the REAL reason he's not playing Today? ... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo? Read More
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Quarterback of the Month and Waterboy of the Month David Gerard. What needs to be said about this extraordinary person? He lived life to the fullest. He scaled Everest and swam the Marianas. He piloted a kayak through the rivers of the Yukon with naught but a broken compass to guide him. Now he sits in a nursing home: Alzheimer's has rotted his brain to such an extent that he no longer recognizes himself as the WotM-winning author of Voice Chat, Fountainhead Earth and X Window System. If a picture is worth a thousand words, those on Noob of the Month MoneySign's image gallery are good for an average of at least 940 words apiece (he loses points because his Taste picture offends the Greeks). Classic Money highlights include Hazard Dogs and the tuberiffic logo for UnNews, which MS constructed entirely out of string, spittle and beer can tabs. Congratulations to Rcmurphy, this year's Most Valuable Player! Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Past Winners: 2005/2006

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