Today's featured propaganda
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Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (Full article...)
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Did you know...
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- ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
- ... that you just lost the Game?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
- ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
 - ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
- ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
- ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
- ... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
- ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
 - ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
- ... that you just lost the Game?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
- ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
- ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
- ... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
- ... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
- ... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
- ... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
- ... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
- ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
- ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
- ... that you just lost the Game?
- ... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
- ... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
- ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 21: Vernal Equinox... Probably
- 5 AD - The first recorded instance of the question "What Would Jesus Do?" occurs when his mother asks what he wants for breakfast.
- 1890 - Oscar Wilde pens his novel The Picture of Dorian Gray in the vicinity of one of his favorite sources of inspiration, a kitchen sink.
- 1919 - The Treaty of Versailles is dictated to several secretaries, ending World War I. One of them is a German spy and covertly adds a clause mandating a sequel.
- 1931 - The electric guitar is introduced, resulting in the genre of Rock 'n Roll being born and enjoying its peak during the Great Depression.
- 1943 - In the last recorded mounted cavalry charge, soldiers on horseback from Austria-Hungary charge a battalion of Russian tanks and succeed in destroying 80% of them using only their broadswords and ceremonial poofy hats.
- 1993 - The first video is uploaded on the internet: a skin flute performance.
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To whom it may concern: I am writing to you today regarding Mr. Nydas, who I understand is applying for a position at your institution. Mr. Nydas is one of the most inspiring students I have ever had the p LOLOLOLOL PENNIS THE MENACE IS MY FAVORITE ACTION FIGURE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG LOL LOL WHOAAAAA THEEEEESE IZ KOOL, Y'ALLS leasure to instruct; though deaf, blind, mute and crippled from birth, he has managed to overcome his circumstances and express himself eloquently through his writing. His essays and stories are for him an adventure, an escape from the terribly unfortunate and hopeless reality of his life. Though he knows he is unlikely to survive the next four years, he remains irrepressibly cheerful and determined to become a famous author of children's books. You and I know this will never happen, but when he turns to you with his empty eyes, his face tragically wasted by leprosy, one cannot but root for him in his battle with the cruel, cruel world.
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