Today's featured propaganda
|
|
Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived."
The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...)
|
Did you know...
|
- ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
- ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
 - ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
- ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
 - ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
- ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
- ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
- ... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
- ... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
- ... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
- ... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
- ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
- ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
- ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
- ... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
|
|
In the news
|
|
|
On this day...
|
|
March 18: World Happiness Day
- 51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
- 1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
- 1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
- 1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
- 1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
- 1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
- 2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
- 2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.
|
|
|
To whom it may concern: I am writing to you today regarding Mr. Nydas, who I understand is applying for a position at your institution. Mr. Nydas is one of the most inspiring students I have ever had the p LOLOLOLOL PENNIS THE MENACE IS MY FAVORITE ACTION FIGURE SHITTY SHITTY BANG BANG LOL LOL WHOAAAAA THEEEEESE IZ KOOL, Y'ALLS leasure to instruct; though deaf, blind, mute and crippled from birth, he has managed to overcome his circumstances and express himself eloquently through his writing. His essays and stories are for him an adventure, an escape from the terribly unfortunate and hopeless reality of his life. Though he knows he is unlikely to survive the next four years, he remains irrepressibly cheerful and determined to become a famous author of children's books. You and I know this will never happen, but when he turns to you with his empty eyes, his face tragically wasted by leprosy, one cannot but root for him in his battle with the cruel, cruel world.
|
Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Weinners: 2005/2006
|
