User:Frostholy/Philippines

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Republic of the Philippines

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
National Anthem : Boom-Tarat-Tarat
Capital	Capital Brothel Empire of the Ewok
Largest City	Payatas Dumpsite, Quezon City
Population	1.5 billion, and counting
Government	Barya Lang Po sa Umaga, Bayad Muna Bago Baba
Fuehrer	Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
Independence	What independence?
National Hero	Manny Paquiao
National Languages	La Salle-Ateneo Coñospeak, Salitang Kanto, Tadbaliks, Gay Lingo Chuva Chenes Chorva, Call Center American English, Carabao English
Currency	Mail-order Bride
Religions	Roman Catholicism, Islam, Iglesia ni Cristo, El Shaddai, Born Again, Pacquiaoism, Wowowist, Eat Bulaga-ism
University with the Lowest IQ	Ateneo de Manila University
Official Videogames	Istarkrapt, Kawnter-Istrayk, Rag-FAG-rok, DotA All-Stars, Grand_Theft_Auto:_Philippines, Hap Layp, Nigga Stole Mah Bike
Official Boy Bands	Cueshe, Hale, Chicosci, 6 Cycle Mind
Gay Icons	Sam Milby, Piolo Pascual, Boy Abunda, Kris Aquino, Paco Arespacochaga, Rey Pumaloy, Sam Concepcion, John Lapus, Chockoleit, Rustom Padilla, Mama Monchang, and the list goes on...like hell...
Retardedest Province	Manila: The collective stupidity of ten million people can't be wrong.
Famous Bars	Planet Cubao Club, Bangbang-Ali, Lanai, Tiririt, Stealing Heaven, MACHO-POP
Best Rip-off of the Year	Captain Barbell MariMar Kokey now it's... Princess Sarah!

“Amerikano! Amerikano! Hi, Joe!”

~ A greeting uttered in Philippine villages when Iranian medical and dental students take a walk in the countryside

“What do you mean you have no change? And why are you charging me 1000 pesos to ride only two kilometers? Are you trying to cheat me? ”

~ Magellan's last words to tricycle driver Lapu Lapu

The Philippines is the nation found on the other side of the world. It's that one that isn't China, Japan or Korea. There is an unproven rumour that it is a part of Asia. Some scientist speculated that this white-ass-military-base-filled archipelago was actually nothing in the midst of the sea until one day, a huge meteorite from Planet Mars collided into Earth's atmosphere and somewhat landed on where the cesspool is located today. As of now, the Philippines is reported to be mutating... and disgustingly growing. No other neighboring country or at least a number of wannabe-neighboring-countries could counteract the ongoing geological shittyness. The corruption could be evident on the whole populace's physical appearance, and even the Malaysians and Indons friggingly caught it. (See Manila for the latest condition)

Economy

The Philippines' main exports are basically anything exported by Japan, China or any other Asian country. They also export tapes of their natural and national disasters to CNN.

The Philippine Currency

To help combat the nation's widespread poverty, the Philippines has implemented its own welfare system called ABS-CBN. Outreach programs like "Wowowee" and "Kapamilya Deal or No Deal" give local Filipino citizens and TFC subscribers hopes of fortune and 15 seconds of shout-out fame to keep their minds off the fact that there is virtually no food on their table, nor tyranny.

Earlier this century, the Philippines attempted to make itself stand out from the other Asian countries by emphasizing comfort service (sex trade). However, their attempts proved to be futile. Thailand proved to have the better sex trade since their transgendered hookers do that ping-pong ball trick.

Geography

A People Pawis rallyist being PWNED by PGMA's Imperial Destroyer during the 12,447th EDSA Revolt. LOLZ!

The Philippines is a group of islands along the Pacific Ring of Fire. By the time of this writing, it is in the midst of being swallowed by the wrath of Hell because its population is just downright stupid to vote for corrupt officials and then complain their asses off when the officials they elected are not doing their job. Eventually, the Philippines will be a city similar to that of Atlantis II - entirely underwater. During the 2000 election, George Bush is said to have promised to launch an atomic bomb into Antarctica in an attempt to raise water levels to a higher rate. Finally something positive on his record. This will end the Filipino diaspora and the citizens of the U.S. will finally get hold of their old jobs taken from them by the Filipinos - like driving cabs, picking fruits, collecting the garbage, flipping burgers, working at Costco or Target, etc.

The islands have vast gorgeous beaches where beautiful Filipinas await foreign military men to make babies with them. Many of the women wear shirts that say "Who's your Daddy?" to entice their would be partners.

Whenever the EDSA volcano erupts, the event is called People Pawis. There have been two major eruptions and countless minor eruptions since 1986. Pyroclastic, lava, and people flows from these eruptions inexorably find their way to Malacañang Palace where water cannons and armed military guards hold them at bay. They end up disheartened and hopeless and complain their sorry asses to ABS-CBN or GMA7 the following day.

Experts also believe that the Philippine archipelago is shaped like a constipated man, particularly Michael Moore. Much better-looking than the Penis of Asia.

Government

Incumbent President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo.

The Philippine government can be defined as the most deviant of all government systems around the world. Getting yourself involved in the government means that you need money, guns, artillery and a bad-ass militia.

The country was once a great nation and did not stink like a rotten politician's crap like today. It was once run by a great queen, Imelda, and her husband Ferdinand. Just before the end of her reign, the general population became infected with a rare strain of virus that makes a person stupid. They brought down the 20-year Marcos Empire and brought forth a New Republic.

It was like the Star Wars Trilogy, the only difference is the newly sworn leader has a vagina and had an IQ lower than that of an autistic kid - she can speak fluent French though. The masses were so disappointed because the new president of the republic is not a Jedi and had no lightsabre. To appease the masses, the President of the New Republic changed all the names of the roads and the airport. Her truimph was shortlived because the majority of the motorists got lost and were not able to report for work for one year, causing the stock market crash of 1986. "Damn, where the fuck is Buendia? I've been going around in circles in Gil Puyat Ave. and still can't find Buendia nigga!", said one black motorist. The greatest aviation tragedy also happened during her presidency. The planes kept circling 'til they ran out of fuel and crashed because the Manila International Airport wasn't there. "It's like fuckin' bermuda triangle bitch!", said one brutha survivor. It turned out that she changed the name of the airport to Ninoy Aquino International Airport in honor of her worthless, good-for-nothing Communist husband as soon as she sat her ass in the Malacanang throne for the very first time.

Aside from the name change fiasco, her other accomplishments were putting her husband's sorry ass in the 500 peso bill and spawning an evil daughter who singlehandedly caused the downfall of the feminist movement by being a filthy whore, and the slow death of the Philippine Entertainment Industry. Her daughter also caused the deaths of countless professional basketball players and actors by infecting them with an unknown type of STD.

After this, the masses progressed from just plain stupid to retards. After the French-speaking president with a vagina for a brain, they elected a disgruntled cigar loving ex-general with a penis size issue, an ex-actor who can't control his penis and fucked the majority of the hotties in the country, and lastly a midget.

As of the moment, the government is still in the shithole and the incumbent president is still a midget.

The primary task of the Philippine Government is the fixing of roads and highways - actually this is the only thing that the government does especially just before election. They fix roads even if it is as smooth as a baby's ass just to give the voters the impression that they are doing something really important. Of course, the Filipino voters are stupid and they let the incumbents win in their reelection bid.

Branches of the Philippine Government

The Philippine Government has 3 branches:

• The Entertainment/Movie Industry
• The Media
• The Squatters

This nigga (Darth Singson) brought down the Second Galactic Empire and helped establish the Second Republic. To the public's dismay, the Second Republic sucked more balls than the first one because Emperor Estrada was replaced by an Ewok.

The Entertainment/Movie Industry is run by actors and actresses. They are the ones that actually run the government and create policies while the actual politicians provide the entertainment. The only branch of the government that was not contaminated by the entertainment industry is the now defunct Judicial System. The Judicial System was the only branch of the government that actually requires you to work your ass off for 10 years in getting a degree, and most importantly it requires the use of your brain. However, Justice Hilario Davide crossed over to the dark side of the entertainment industry when he sworn in Gloria Macapagal Arroyo during the 9957th People Pawis revolution. As a result, the Judicial System was abolished. This launched him to Superstardom in the movie industry and debuted in Regal Films' blockbuster hit "Anak Gumising Ka Matutulog Na Tayo". The sequel "Halika Dito Wag Kang Lalapit" was not as successful because it was not a gay movie.

The next branch is the Media. They are powerful because of their exposes and shit. Of course they only do their exposes if the corrupt politicians involved refuse to pay them. The most powerful person in this group is Ben Tulfo - host of the TV sitcom "Bitag". However, the politicians became aware of his show and his blitzkrieg tactics in his exposes and was able to outwit him in his own game. Ben Tulfo,Danielle Mendoza being the genius that he is, devised a brilliant countermeasure by changing the name of his show to "Bitag: X-treme" - it was a huge victory for Ben Tulfo thus earning him the title of Genghis Khan.

Ben Tulfo by the way is the son of Mama Monchang and Rey Pumaloy. His show "Bitag" and "Bitag: X-treme" won several awards including the coveted "Best Comedy Show" in the KBP (Kiking Bagong Pakinis) Music Awards.

Last but not the least, the Squatters. The squatters are a force to be reckoned with because they are dirt poor. They are so powerful that they are able to acquire lands from honest, tax-paying middle-class citizens of the country for free; and get away with it by simply invoking their right to be dirt poor. The squatters are the most protected group in the government - they are being protected by the media, politicians, and the movie industry whenever the middle class sue their ass for taking their property. They even make movies about it and portray the owner of the property as a heartless villain. In effect, they own 90% of the land in the country. They are also the highest income generating group because of drug pushing (the majority of the drug pushers are in their area) and gambling.

woots

People

Main Article: Filipino An 87 million curse.

Language

The Filipinos speak something like an obscure form of Esperanto, only more confusing. It is like a cross between badly spelled Spanish and gibberish. Like Aba! Bababa ba ang baba ng bumababang babae? or (QUESTION) Bababa ba? (ANSWER) Bababa! and other weird, almost unpronunciable shit.

The second most spoken language in the Philippines is Taglish, a cross between Tagalog and English horse radish.

Oddly enough, despite the difficulty in pronouncing English syllables, Filipinos insist on anglicizing words that are Spanish in origin. Hence, names such as Padilla (pa-DEEL-ya ... or the more correct pa-DEE-ya), Sevilla (se-VEEL-ya / se-VEE-ya) or Revilla (re-VEEL-ya / re-VEE-ya) end up being pronounced as puh-DILL-yuh, suh-VILL-yuh and ruh-VILL-yuh. Actually, only the coños and Filipinos affecting American accents make this mistake in pronunciation.

Also, Filipinos have gazillions of other languages, dialects, and sub-dialects. One other popular language is called Ilocano. Ilocano is a Germanic like Filipino language where they make up new words by combining a whole bunch of words into one. Broken down, its name is actually a mix of English and Spanish "I loca, no?" which means "I crazy, yes?"

Although Filipinos are naturally hospitable and like to speak to Foreigners or Tourists, the latter must watch out for possible misunderstandings. A famous tourist spot, Fort Santiago, in Metro Manila, is pronounced as "Poh-chan-chah-goh" by 99% of the Manilans.

Equally misunderstood by a lot of tourists is what they pronounce as "Bawl To May Sah Boulevard" when asking for directions. This is spelled "Bawal Tumae sa Blvd." which is a sign all busy boulevards have, which tells Filipinos "Do not Shit on the Boulevard". It is not a name of a single street, so if you are a tourist, do not ask Filipinos for the direction to get back to your hotel, mentioning that your hotel is in fact near "Bawl To May Sa Blvd."

If you see Filipino males holding hands in the busy streets of Metro Manila, be aware that this is common practice among Filipino males who are not necessarily gay. The real reason for holding hands is that these males come from the rural areas, usually the Visayas and Mindanao islands. They hold hands so that they do not lose one another in the big city which speaks a language they might not be able to speak themselves. Metro Manila is known for rampant corruption that even the police usually do not bother giving directions to provincial people who cannot fatten their wallets.

Tourists who are diabetic must be aware that they would only be understood by Filipinos if they tell them they have "Jah-BEH-tess". A word or warning: For any medical emergencies regarding your diabetic condition, correctly pronouncing diabetes will only hasten your death.

If you are non Oriental-looking, do not bother learning Filipino as people will just laugh at you and answer in English. You will also save yourself the trouble of understanding what gossips go on around you and you will forever be welcome by natives because you do not want to learn their language or culture.

National Clothes

National Filipino clothes for men consist of flip flops, a pair of kaki shorts with at least 300 pockets in them to hold all the cellphones and SIM cards and a sleevless T-shirt with letters USA on it and a large American flag. A headdress is often a baseball cap with some American symbol, usually again a US flag.

National clothes for women are a subdued color T'shirt with "USA sports" written on them, faded jeans and sneakers. No make-up is applied for "the natural look".

National Music

The Philippines radio stations as well as karaokes are 90% full of pre-1930 US music which most Americans below 80 do not know about. Sometimes a token Filipino song seeps through among loud protests of "corny!", "baduy!" and "low class!".

See Also

• Ape-Shit Crazy
• Asian Chicks
• Asian People
• Bat Fuck Insane
• Entertainment in the Philippines
• Filipino
• Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo
• Homosexuality in the Philippines
• Manila
• Philippine Cuisine
• Pounding Bat Sodomy
• University of the Philippines
• Ateneo de Manila University

Countries of Asia