Malta
L'Imperu Malti The Maltese Empire Malta | |||||
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| Anthem: Feliċita[1][2] | |||||
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| Capital | Valletta City | ||||
| Largest city | Hamrun | ||||
| Official language(s) | Maltese, Maltese English, Tal-Pepe | ||||
| Government | Imperial Republic | ||||
| ‑ Eternal God-King | Dom Mintoff | ||||
| ‑ Supreme Leader | Robert Abela | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Dom Mintoff Gowzef Muscat Ian "Konkos" Borg | ||||
| Currency | Pastizzi, Imperial Credits | ||||
| Religion | Money, Money, Haxi and Money | ||||
| Population | 21,420,690 | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Maltese Imperialists 65% Maltese 20% other 15% | ||||
| Major exports | Maltesers, Malt, Maltose, Malt Vinegar, Maltase | ||||
| Major imports | Food, Electronics, Immigrants | ||||
| Calling code | +356 | ||||
| Drives on | Alcohol | ||||
Malta is a small lump of concrete in the Mediterranean Sea. It used to be part of Italy, before ostensibly getting kicked out just ahead of Sicily.
History[edit | edit source]
Like most small islands close to other places Malta's history was a difficult one. After the first Italian settlers arrived there, the Greeks, Turks, Arabs, Spanish, more Italians, French, and British, all attacked it, and today it continues to be under attack from all of them.
The oldest buildings in the world are also in Malta, showing Malta's strong history. Unfortunately, the Maltese never left this period behind, and continued to live in these buildings until recently.
Roughly during the midst of the 14th century, vile opposers from the Ottoman empire attempted to lay siege to the island with an impressive army of battle-hardened ducks. The island's most proficient warriors "Il-Kavallieri tal-bigilla" (The knights of the traditional bean dip) swiftly eradicated every last duck, accompanied by their glorious battle cry "Foxx dawn il-liba papri u foxx kull papra li holoq Alla!". Thus the holy island of Malta has eternalised itself as a sanctuary for every peace loving traveller with a slight distaste for all manner of quackery. Since then, no other duck has ever attempted to curse the island with its foul presence ever again. The Maltese word for duck "papra" was officially removed from the language, to commemorate this glorious event.
Even though it found itself under constant attack, the Maltese Empire continued to fight on until it crushed Italy in the Italian Monarchist Reclaimation War. This resulted in Malta annexing the territories formerly under the control of the Kingdom of Two Sicilies and dividing up the rest of Italy into two hundred different nations united under a union titled Holy Italian Empire, commonly referred to as "the HIE", while also ceding some territories to the Vatican City.
This led Malta to continue its imperialist expansion across the entire Mediterranean Sea, eventually purchasing Crete from Greece at a thirty per cent discount in exchange for paying Greece's debts, causing the two nations to become close allies and Britain, which had earlier decided to continue decolonization, decided to sell their Cypriot Military Bases, along with Gibraltar both to Malta.
By this point, Malta and Greece, along side the entire HIE had left the European Union to form the Mediterranean Entente.
In 2031, seven years after Malta had begun it's imperial expansion, the Tunisian Civil War has begun and Malta decided to take Tunis as a colonial city, however due to the Tunisian groups continuing to fight, Malta had to colonize Nabeul Governorate, Bizerte Governorate, Manouba Governorate, Ben Arous Governorate and Ariana Goverornate, which it successfully did by the end of May, 2034.
The future remains uncertain for the island empire, with its bigilla professors hard at work, Malta continues to one up the world with defensive equipment, eventually surpassing the United States of America in the modernization of defensive equipment by 2041.
Politics[edit | edit source]
Malta is ranked amongst the least corrupt countries in the world, partially due to its bipartisan system in which politicians totally care about the country's stability rather than their party's, and civilians opt not to judge someone's character according to their preferred party. Turmoil in recent times, notably after the December 2019 Maltese Protests, has resulted in immediate legal action taken against several notable ex-Labour Party members of the Muscat administration, and local philanthropist Jargon Fenech. Most notably, Konbad Mizzi (also referred to as "Gurdien bla bajd") and Keef Schembri (also referred to as "Darth Rummo") were immediately put behind bars following an efficient, just, and very organized legal procedure. The high IQ of the Maltese populace allowed it to immediately shun the disgraced members of society by putting aside their allegiance to either political party, and realising that dignity and justice come first.
The most recent election took place in March 2022. An event with a very surprising outcome, it was the only election since the dawn of YouTube in which the relevant parties (PN and PL) decided against forcing cringeworthy, bile-inducing adverts down the unsuspecting YouTuber's throat. It has been argued that this decision was influenced by none other than the Maltese National Orchestra, who complained about the "crass, soulless, and overly dramatic orchestral background music that was being repeatedly used to abuse our professionally trained ears." Peer-reviewed political science journals containing reports that such adverts achieve nothing more than perpetuating empty promises and pointing the finger at the opposing party, have been recently proven to be unfounded, and "lacking in transparency and accountability".
Geography[edit | edit source]
Maltese scientists known as 'professuri tal-bigilla' (professors of a traditional bean dip) have proven that if the entire Maltese population had to stand on the edge of the island, it would actually tip and overturn. An event which would no doubt not be noticed by many. No less because this would cause a massive tsunami, which would propagate in all directions. Sicily to the North would be the first to be hit by the 8042.34km high waves, putting out the Etna volcano for good. The italian peninsula would be next, then Austria and later Germany. The tsunami would then stop for a beer and some sausages at Munich in Germany, after which it would continue roaring towards Denmark, Norway and Sweden. After covering all this Northern expanse in its foamy, salty jizz, the tsunami would fall off the edge of the world.
To the south, the tsunami would turn the vast expanses of desert of North Africa into sought after beaches. Jesus would arise and summon the help of moses to drink the tsunami waters. This would succeed, but moses would die of severe dehydration due to the vast volume of sea water ingested. Jesus would refuse to reanimate Moses, since Moses is a dick, and Jesus never really liked him. This would happen so fulfull the old testament prophecy, where Jesus said to Moses, "Screw you man, you're a dick."
To the East, all the Eastern European and Russian whores will be engulfed by the tsunami. The godless, soulless Chinese, and then the equally godless and soulless Japanese would be carried by the mighty waves, which would roll on into the pacific.
To the West, the Americas would be swept by the thundering tsunami. State by state, the USA would be consumed by the fury of this weapon of mass destruction launched by the Maltese Jowee. The tsunami wave will continue into the Pacific.
The Eastern and Western tsunami would meet in the middle of the Pacific ocean and collide, generating uncalculable amounts of force. This immense force would force the earch out of orbit, and eject it into the open universe, away from the sun and out of the milky way. Earth would then drift aimlessly for millenia until it is discovered by Intergalactic Justin Bieber, at which point it will commit suicide by implosion.
Language[edit | edit source]
Because Malta has been owned by every country in Europe at some point in time, it has absorbed the cultures of many of them. There was one thing in particular that Malta liked though, and that was their languages. It took the languages from all of them, and in fact now has around sixteen national languages that are all commonly spoken by the locals. If someone is not fluent in all of these by the time they have started school, they will be chucked onto Comino, the island off Malta known as "Prison Island".
The English are now replacing all the other languages, so the Maltese language is now rather like like Welsh, and is only spoken by OAPs. In fact, Malta once wanted to steal Welsh too, but the Welsh defended it strongly, sending their sheep after the Maltese. Maltese has also absorbed some words from sheep language, making it one of only two languages in the world to have vocabulary from animals (along with Swedish).
Literature[edit | edit source]
The Maltese have one short story, which tells us about a very famous Italian man who went to Malta. Sources indicate that he was the only tourist to ever visit the island, but these are inconclusive. The story runs:
One day I'm a go to Malta to hotel. In a morning I go down to breakfast. I tell a waitress: "I wan' two pieces of toast." She bring me only one piece. I tell her: "I wan' a two piece." She say: "Go to the toilet." I say: "You don' un'erstand. I wan' a two piece on a my plate." She say: "You better no piece on a plate, you summon a bitch." I don' even know the lady and she call me a summon a bitch.
Later. I go to big a restaurant. The waitress she bring me the spoon, the knife, but no fork. I tell her: "I wan' a fork." She tell me: "Everybody wan' a fork." I tell her: "You don' un'erstand. I wan' a fork at a table." She say: "You better no fork at a table you summon a bitch."
So I go back to my room at the hotel and there's no sheets on a the bed. Call a the manager, tell him: "I wan' a sheet." He tell me: "Go to the toilet." I say: "You don' un'erstand. I wan' a sheet on a bed." He say: "You better no sheet on a my bed you summon a bitch."
Then I go to the check out. The man at the desk he tell me: "Peace on you." I say: "Peace on you too, you summon a bitch. Arrivederci."
Construction[edit | edit source]
Malta is most renowned for its benevolent, and thoroughly uncorrupt Planning Authority (also known as MEPA – Make Environment Picturesque Again). It has been responsible for the Great Leap Forward – an almost decade-long campaign dedicated to the plantation of trees all over the island, and the purging of the "Concrete Plague". Members of the board continuously fight gallantly (totally on the side of the people and not of the rich) against greedy, mostly overweight, Maltese construction moguls who are responsible for defacing the nation. As of the 18th of September 2022, the saga continues, currently in Episode XIII – Revenge of J.Portelli.
Architecture[edit | edit source]
Maltese architecture goes back a long way. In fact, the world's oldest man-made structure exists there. However, this structure was built by the prehistoric Italians so is never taken seriously. Even the buildings built in Malta today are simply copies of what their cousins over on the mainland have already made, too bad that their cousins' work resembled turds, more than anything else. Indeed everyone knows that the Maltese did a great job to avoid using the Italian crap that they inherited. Through evolution one can assume that they learned something.
Malta is also famous for its roads. Really famous. Honest.
Mnajdra[edit | edit source]
Mnajdra is more commonly known as a real-life representation of an Angry Birds scene. Formerly believed to be an area populated by temple ruins from the pre-historic era, Mnajdra was officially declared a world heritage site in October 2010 following the discovery a number of indigenous species, including a variety of coloured Turdus migratorius (birds) and Sus domestica (green pigs).
Such recently discovered species have hence shed light on a variety of historic socio-cultural influences of Mediterranean Culture, namely the reasons for which the Maltese are known for their loud sense of being and overt-relaxation. It is believed that the site of Mnajdra is the source of all which characterizes Maltese culture: that of angriness and laziness, it is due known that Mnajdra was the first known area upon which the game of غاضب الطيور (Angry Birds) was practised.
Ġgantija[edit | edit source]
The oldest hot dog stand in the world, accidentally located on Gozo. Apparently, the name comes from a prehistoric wording of "giant's tower", since the Gozitan legend had it that giants dined there. Well I guess it's a likely story, what with all the giant women wondering around the streets today.
Roads[edit | edit source]
Malta is particularly well known for the quality of its long stretches of pristine and well built roads. Maltese roads are renowned worldwide, and are of such a good quality that both Pope John Paul's and Queen Elisabeth's bottoms were more than comfortable when riding around in their carriages.
Residency[edit | edit source]
As a Catholic country, Maltese people believe that condoms are the hats of the devil, and therefore have an ever-expanding population – the highest in the EU in fact. This has meant the need for a mass building scheme across the "country" (if you can call it that), where all low rise housing buildings are gradually being demolished, in place of higher and higher flats. As Malta has started to become less religious, the population increase has started to slow down, but an interesting situation has so far developed there, whereby all the towns have expanded so rapidly that they have all almost entirely engulfed each other, making Malta something of a city in itself.
Maltese are also very sensitive about their families. they get easily offended if you mention their mother more than once in a sentence and they can easily kill you. You can't offend their mother but they can in any way deemed suitable.
Tourism[edit | edit source]
Always friendly to foreigners. So friendly that they provide you with a rental car and a set of skrewdrivers to fix it (otherwise you'd be screwed). The drinks are cheap, especially at the corner shop, about two in the morning, when the 13-year-olds go home. If you are a foreign student trying to find your way home while you think your head is four times heavier than the rest of your body, then you have the high chance of meeting a dozen or so friendly young Maltese boys asking you for a lighter – and then they are so kind to help you take it out of your pocket, including you wallet, your mobile, the rest of you change, your ID and maybe even they take the puke out of your stomach punching it till you are about to suffocate and on your own vomit. The Police help – call them, they will arrive after about two hours.
Night life[edit | edit source]
All night life in Malta is situated Paceville, which everyone knows obviously means "peace village" because it is so quiet and picturesque.
Paceville covers about a mile, and every building within it is either a bar, a club, a pub, or a house whose owner has kindly volunteered their doorstep for drunks to vomit on. The entire Maltese population comes here every night to rave. This helps maintain its quaint appeal as "peace village".
Club owners are friendly to customers of all ages (especially those between the ages of 5 and 13); this makes buying alcoholic beverages easy. Apart from the sixteen national languages, barmen speak in a variety of different languages including fluent and diverse forms of grunting, scratching, coughing and spitting, and long periods of gazing and nodding when encountering difficulty in understanding French people who refuse to speak any language but their own.
Live entertainment on the the streets of Paceville does not follow any sort of timetable or schedule, but one may encounter several opportunities of entertainment such as the usual police chasing after Arabs, police comedic relief as they never manage to catch the Arabs, dodge the bouncer, fake your age and nationality to get into clubs, hop-skip and jump the puddles of puke, hop-skip and jump the 13-year-old drunkards, bully and steal from those pesky kids, bully and steal from those pesky kid's friends buy alcohol and puke.
Transport back home is ready available and very reasonably priced as there is always that fifty per cent chance of crashing and dying on your way back to your hotel.
Be sure to read all disclaimers on buses and minivans that will readily state that they accept absolutely no responsibility for: death, injury, dismemberment, loss of eye sight/manhood/items of monetary value/items which look like they might be of monetary value/children, intoxication from vehicle, shattered pelvis (its the damn governments fault for making such superbly engineered roads), finally being dumped in a field somewhere.
Birds[edit | edit source]
Birds migrate through Southern Italy and across Malta to and from Africa. It is known that Malta and Southern Italy are possibly the most bird-friendly areas in the world, with many species in abundance. They are not all shot, and in fact have so many birds that Malta has more bird flu than China. There are also some birds that are kept as pets, and very lovingly kept in massive cages that are cleaned, and are given food. While it is true that Malta has the largest number of registered hunters /per capita/ none of these has ever been recorded to have fired a single shot on a protected bird. The preferred target of the local hunter is the tourist. In fact the adage "If it's tourist season why can't you shoot them" is said to have originated in Malta as a rough translation of a local's saying "Ara naqra kif ser nisolhu lira."
Trees[edit | edit source]
Trees have recently been made illegal by the Maltese government.
Notes[edit | edit source]
