ITV
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ITV is not the abbreviation for Islamist Terrorist Vision, but for Independent Television, the thieving 'race to the bottom' television network in the United Kingdom for Jehovahs Witnesses. Also known as the disabled and succumbed of cheap advertising Jihadi evil sick fuck embarrassment of a relation to the BBC (creator of such programmes as Andy Pandy Gets Randy, Pinocchio gets a Woodie, and Dick's Son in Doc Green). It is a loose affiliation of various 'local', 'regional', and 'supposedly independent' paramilitary broadcasters, known as cells, based purely on the miniscule quantity of amoeba who inhabit the cranial cavities of their senior executives and management board. They attempt to subvert the otherwise respectable traditional British values, and create a society which is drudgedly dependent on celebrity gossip magazines, and dramas about fat slags, feisty middle-aged attack-women (usually starring Caroline Quentin or Amanda Redman), as well as Ant-on Du-Dec, and Jeremy's Tackle lost at Sea. Senior anti-terror analysts from MIB fear that this campaign is proving all too successful, as latest IQ figures of its viewers are now in three-figure negative numbers, and are falling exponentially at four year rate of a factor of 47.468776433677808998676432113457 – rounded down to the minus 687th significant figure.[1]
Heading this group is a shadowy figure known only as Sheik Trevor bin McDonald-ToiletDuck, an exiled Yemeni dictator – who all but vanished from our cheap Chinese TV screens, following the fateful aftermath of the Yemeni royalty house-warming party held at the Twin Towers in New York, and the subsequent evening family bar-be-que at the Pentagon in Washington – on September 11, 2001 – a day supposedly to be celebrated as their 'Pin a Tail on a Kalifait Donkey', which is only held once Sheik Trevor had consummated the wedding of his 60th child bride. Dispite the very real scarcity of bin McDonald-ToiletDuck, he continues to siphon funds from the ITV network for his harem of kindergarten brides. In day-to-day issues, the ITV Network is predominately owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, headed by David Cameron, although companies including SMuG Plc and MJTV also create part of the network.
Headquarters and facilities[edit | edit source]
ITV Network has its headquarters at Bondage Towers - an impressive high-rise building overlooking the Thames Sewer on London's chic southbank. Bondage Towers is highly regarded within the industry, boasting a number BDSM dungeons of varying sizes, all now fitted out with 420 HD (High Derisory) handy-cams. OB (Obesity Broadcasting) equipment based at Bondage Towers includes an inventory of at least four GoPro Hero3 cameras, complete with the optional waterproofing kit of Wilko zip-lock bags (it should be five, but their camera technician Kwame Umbooga has misappropriated one camera and the four-bay GoPro charging station, so he can make his sideline productions for Nigerian Moneywire (UK) Ltd).
Programming[edit | edit source]
To help produce a nation of docile chavs, ITV has had to produce some truly ground-breaking TV shows. Such greats include Footballer's Ashamedly Unveiled Whored Wives and Who Wants to Be a Martyr and Get a Million Virgins?. Daily programming on ITV always starts with its flagship infotainment programme: Guten Morgen, Britische Sklaven, hosted from a conscripted pool of Gestapo presenters; including Frau Zusanha Reidsburg, and lederhosen-clad monocle-wearing Herr Penis Morgan Gutburger.
ITV has attempted to expand into the relatively high-brow field of Reality TV, where it attempts to out-compete Channel 4 by getting not just vacuous normal people to have sex, but vacuous so-called 74th-rate celebrity people to have sex. This reached a creshendo with the union of Jordan (named after her country of birth) and Peter 'flava' André (until 2009 which sparked a publicity war). Geneticists, and Stephen Hawking believe the child these two will produce could possibly be the missing link between man and high-density polystyrene. This train of thought was realised following the fruits of the dogging sessions between pizza-faced poofballer Waynetta Rooney and great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother of the peat-bog Nolans skivvy Coleen.
As of the fourteenth week, third day and 21.57777777th hour of 2006, ITV have decided that, its former cash-cow – the word 'Celebrity' is really tacky (no doubt due to the inpatient use of EvoStick Contact Adhesive), especially after being criticised by normal people on the grounds that there has never been a celebrity featured on the ITV; so – Celebrity Love Island becomes Love island, while Celebrity X Factor becomes Strictly Come Sign Language: Special Edition.
In 2004, any attempt to ban ITV from producing any sports shows due to their unparalleled incompetence in sports programming production, failed after a House of Commons vote overturned the bill – their Lords and Ladyships refused to pay, and were forced to wash dishes in the Westminster YMCA, as part of their Community Service. Subsequent reports stated that Kevin Keegan mumbled: "It's obvious that the bill is going to pass now" – just moments before the result was announced.
In a recent refinement of Celebrity Love Island, ITV commissioned a new set of series including Celebrity Death Match in which celebrities are placed in a ring of fire (filmed in the larger studio 3 of Bondage Towers) with clubs and ropes, and have to progress to a final in which they fight with no weapons or clothes. Janet Street Porter prevailed in the final against Britain's most hated Footpath blocker (now being somewhere where people can walk), notable incidents earlier on in the series include Britain's most hated Traffic Warden being pressed to death when the other contestants all ganged up and parked themselves on him.
ITV News[edit | edit source]
ITV News is a misnomer for the informally named ITV's Great 100 year-old Animal Free (unless you count Mark Austin) fun-filled Circus, sometimes shortened to 'Shit – did I leave the gas on?' When they receive sad news, they try to liven it up by doing a multitude of circus acts - like 'Plinth Balancing', 'Circus Ballet', 'Chimpanzee Fellatio', and many more.
When they receive some really sad, breaking news, they like to make it even more lively. They only have five seconds to draw up a caption and tell everyone something's happened. They go into full flow, trip over words, draw moustaches on people using Microsoft Paint for Windows 3.11 when they shouldn't be, and somehow, still being able to do 'Circus Ballet'.
And, as they say: "TVs only daily circus, on the only 24hr Clown Channel. We're just the best", as someone accidentally trips up over their own over-size bright yellow shoes.
Absolutely nobody knows who owns ITV News; but it is rumoured to be owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee plc under the brand of ITN - Islamist Terrorist Nudes. Many people do not believe this, as they believe the two companies to be too separate. The jiz cream of the crop who nevertheless labour on under the name of Quality Street (the nerve of them!). See Jon Snow, do so under the banner of Channel 4.
ITV News is now infamous for it's presenters. As they are extreamly dull with Mark Austin being the main culprit.
Sheik Trevor bin McDonald-ToiletDuck, third cousin fourth removed of Ronald McDonald, used to be a Heroin addict before joining ITV.
Recently, News At 10am returned not to broadcast news but so people can stare at an effigy of Sheik Trevor's mole, and also wank to purge their excess man-fat over the sexy Julie Etchingham.
ITV Sport[edit | edit source]
Is the name of the ITV's comedy production. Everyone thinks ITV are fucking shit. Also Liverpool fans would like to thank them for not showing the FA Cup replay goal live and Everton fans would like to thank them for showing that exact same goal live. Anyone who employs Steve Rider is fucking desperate and will soon be replaced by Gayham Norton.
Conspiracies[edit | edit source]
There are many people who believe that ITV is actually a secret plot by George Bush to lower the IQ of the British so that they might vote for him, when he eventually subverts Britain into joining the United States of America. Opponents of this theory point out that "That's rubbish that is, look at the stuff we put on, Ant and Dec, Pop Idol and Who wants to be a Millionaire unney-kwivik-errr show that there's nuffin' but class on ITV".
Operation: Only way is Essex (TOWIE)
During 2010 the British Governing Body of Gene Pools (BGBGP) found that Essex now had smaller gene pool which was considered 20% worse than counties such as Norfolk and Somerset. When the cast were informed of this, their only reaction was - "SHA-AAAAPPP!!".
The BGBGP devised a plan that would draw in a more diverse population into Essex, at the same time moving 'the less desired members of society' away from other counties. They created the ITV2 show The Only Way Is Essex which portrays an idyllic lifestyle for the less desirable to live. The show does so by giving charicters lots of money that they spend on mundane treats as getting hair dyed peroxide blonde, spray tans and having nails done.
The 2011 research shows that the plan is working as Shanelle Stanley a viewer of the show said: "Yer Brentwood iz fulla peng fitties now innit?!" Thus demonstrating that these people are being amalgamated into Essex society.
 Seriously.
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Coronation St[edit | edit source]
Originally a programme based on a street name this has evolved into the new method of picking the Monarch, candidates are selected and eventually have to fight it out so as to produce a monarch achieving power by more traditional means.
Monarchs Selected[edit | edit source]
- The first monarch selected as Mad Maya who won the title beating Sunita!!!! in an out and out catfight.
- The next monarch is Tracy Barlow who won in a fight between her and Charlie Stubbles.
- The third monarch is Tony Gordon, who owned Liam by getting him killed.
ITVPoo[edit | edit source]
ITVPoo is the second ITV-branded channel owned by CrapAda Eye Teevee plc. It mainly broadcasts repeats of Coronation Street and Quizmania, and was the second phase in ITV's attempt to nurture the UK's majority of chavs. At one point, it used to broadcast Flintstones - The Movie five times a day to try and raise perceptions of the channel, but that was removed when avid Emmerdale fans complained they missed on average 54 omnibuses of Emmerdale and Corrie per week.
ITVPee[edit | edit source]
ITVPee is recorded coverage of Gran Ada Television twenty years ago for those who love to live the eighties. Unfortunately, the technology at the time only allowed dodgey E180 tapes, so it is common for the ITVPee viewer to observe the regular break in transmission while they eject the tape and re-wind the next, and often the tracking on the VCR often fails to work and viewers are left with white noise for several hours without anyone realising. It has even been known, at the climax of Midsomer Murders, for the tape to be swapped only to realise it has been taped over with programming from The Fantasy Channel, of which David Cameron denies any knowledge of, and viewers are left perplexed on how the murderer ended up to be Michelle Bass. ITV attempt not to advertise the ITVPee channel incase somebody watches it and notices ITV was worth watching 20 years ago, but since the viewing ratings are on average three people per week (all over 65), it is highly unlikely nobody will notice. ITV does try to hide the Gran Ada idents with some random person picking up a stone in ITV's studios, but often there's no point as nobody is watching anyway.
ITV Bore[edit | edit source]
Also known as ITV What For, nobody really understands the purpose of this channel. Broadcasting exactly the same programming as Men & Men, it has on average around 4 viewers per annum, one of which happens to be Elton John. The team behind ITVPoor controversially murdered the team of ITV News, with the bodies were buried under Tower Bridge, London. Nobody really knows where ITVPoor is on their TV platform, why its there or what it's for. All people know is that its fucking hogging capacity that would be better spent elsewhere!
ITV HD[edit | edit source]
ITV but with crap graphics. Which is a blessing as why would we want to see Jasper Carrot in HD. The football coverage is even shitter than sub-standard ITV, as if that could be any more worse...WELL...it can. Ratings for their coverage of adverts-with-a-bit-of-live-football-thrown-in declined when Adrian Chiles' face made it onto ITV HD. This was because parents had to turn over to prevent children being scarred for life.
CITV Channel[edit | edit source]
Lazy ITV doesn't make its own kids programmes any more no. All the new shows now are bloody American ones like we wanna see a programme about an evil goldfish. Tune in at 5 to watch My Parents are Aliens, the only good programme in its history.
Defunct channels[edit | edit source]
ITV News Channel[edit | edit source]
Who needs a 24-hour news channel? NO-ONE!!! But ITV realized this just 5 years after its launch and replaced it with a cool kids channel.
ITV Sport Channel[edit | edit source]
Well three of them. All went down the shitter, along with ITV's digital service, after they successfully managed to outbid themselves to show live Football League games. This lead to a handful of Division Three (League Two/One/whatever it is now. I don't fucking remember) going into financial turmoil and put ITV Digital Monkey on the shelf of the Lewisham branch of Oxfam. Luckily for Munkeh — as known by his budding sidekick Al — all clubs but Chester City have since survived ITV's royal fuck up.
Men & Men[edit | edit source]
Previously known as "Men & Motors"; later "Men fuck Motors"' and finally "Men & Men", is ITV's gay porno channel aimed at men, boys and men. It showcases 100% pure hardcore homosexual filth from 7am to 4am everyday, free to air across Sky Digital and Virgin Media. It closely follows some of the most prized and experimental methods of anal sex with the occasional celebrity often popping in such as Barack Obama and Wellard from Eastenders. Originally, the channel had a balance of gay porn and men-motor experiences, however this was dropped when ratings started to slip down the back end. It is presented daily by former CrapAda Eye Teevee plc chief, Charles Allen, often alongside Duncan Bannantyne and occasionlly Paul Potts when not raping little girls. When people stopped watching the channel, they took the logical step of shutting everything down, showing the exact same stuff on another channel, and telling everyone to fuck off and stop remembering it. Which no one does.
ITV companies[edit | edit source]
The ITV network is traditionally administered between fifteen regional franchises. However, world domination has led companies Crapton and Gran Ada to purchase all of the franchises in England and Wales, naming them ITV1. The two then merged and formed CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, named after "Crapton" and "Gran Ada, along with fitting it the word "eye" from former ATV, which will remind people like June Whitfield of the "good old days". CrapAda Eye Teevee plc own all of the franchises in England and Wales (except Median Broadcasting - Carol's always right), and its CEO is David Cameron, former employee of Crapton. ITV have been highly criticised for its lack of regional programmes, and it is supposed they have "lost touch" with their viewers - so Buzzy Bee media incorporated that into ITV1's idents. The rest of the network is owned by SMuG Plc, MJTV and Birth Canal Ventures plc, however each regional company retains a shifty Cheif Executive. CrapAda Eye Teevee plc, SMuG Plc, MJTV, Average Plc, Gay Rights Enterprise and Birth Canal Ventures plc are all owned by Russian Mafia boss Roman Abramovich
| Area | Regional Name | Ultimate owner | Chief Exec |
|---|---|---|---|
| Central Scotland | Shittish Television | SMuG Plc | Michael Howard |
| North Scotland | Grumpy Television | SuMG plc | Michael Howard |
| Northern Ireland | Ugly Television (UTV, YouTV) | MJTV | Michael Jackson |
| Scotland/England border and Isle of Man | Bomber Television | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Saddam Hussein |
| North East England | Tough Titties Television (TTTV) | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Richard Desmond |
| Yorkshire and Lincolnshire | Yorshit Television | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | your mum |
| North West England | Grand Aids Television | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Saddam Hussein |
| Rutland | Rutland Weekend Television (RWT) | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Ricochet Brothers |
| Wales and the West of England | Hideous Television (HTV) | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Bruce Lee |
| The Midlands | Central Idiotic Television (Central ITV) | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Some Guy |
| East Anglia | Angling Television | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Poseidon |
| London Weekday | Crapton Television | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | The Green Giant |
| London Weekend | Women's Lib Televsion (WLT) | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Greg Dyke |
| South and South East England | Median Broadcasting | Average Plc | Carol Vorderman |
| South West England | Westcock Television | CrapAda Eye Teevee plc | Rupert Murdoch |
| The Channel Islands | Oviduct Television | Birth Canal Ventures Plc | George Bush |
| National breakfast time | Gay Men TV (GMTV) | Gay Rights Enterprise | Charles Allen |
Grand Aids[edit | edit source]
Grand Aids Television (previously "Gran Ada") is the ITV regional holder for the North West of England. The channel started in 1888 when ol'e Granny Ada Smith (not to be confused with Granny Smith who discovered apples; Granny Ada Smith usually used the name Gran Ada) decided she didn't want to pay her local Granada theatre to see cheap plays usually cast by paedophiles. So, in 1888 she made a single programme by the name of Coronation Street. Because of the lack of rolling film cameras, the programme mainly featured a static photograph of her local street sign, "Coronation Street". However, after a short while, she began to start filming locals beating each other up with coalforks and setees until each contestant was "crowned" monarch. She filmed the programme herself up until the age of 97, when she decided to sell off her filming assets to Granada Theatres.
Then, in 1932, Gran Ada Television went on air at 03:47 am in Manchester, serving a total of twenty-eight viewers. In 1958, Gran Ada Television contorversially murdered the CEO of the BBC in order to acquire their North West transmitter, Wanker Hill, however Gran Ada Television denied this. The channel launched to the whole of the North West on August 13, 1958. Its single programme was usually repeated four times daily, with test cards filling in the other hours. From 1959, Gran Ada started broadcasting a local news service, Granny Today. In 1970, Granada Theatres completed their takeover of Gran Ada Television, which became Granada Television. However, due to ol'e Granny Ada Smith's fan club, they were forced to leave the name Gran Ada.
In 2002, Gran Ada was taken over by none other than Ofcom regulator, Saddam Hussein. The company became "Gran Ada Ventures Plc", and went on to purchase Border Television, which was re-named Bomber Television giving the name "more impact", Angling Television, Tough Titties Television, Women's Lib Television and Yorshit Television. The company then merged with Crapton Television in 2004, creating CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc, which owns all the ITV companies in Wales and England. Saddam's long-term position at the company is rather misty, so it is tempoairly headed by Granny Ada Smith IV, aged 104, despite the fact the official owner was David Cameron.
It has now been bought by Team Africa and named Grand Aids Television
Shittish Television[edit | edit source]
Shittish Television, now known as ShiteTV One on air, is Scotland's central ITV franchise, and has held the ITV franchise for Central Scotland since March 2, 1858. Their studios were originally based in Aberdeen and consisted of a one-roomed cow shed alongside one large water storage tank. The original staff lineup included Mr Jeremy Argyle, Mrs Agnes McDonald and Ermintrude the cow. However, due to technical restrictions, they could not broadcast further than four metres in all directions. Original programming included "Shite Today" and "Shite Tonight". However, in 1957, Michael Howard's company named SMuG Plc purchased the premises, buisiness and their staff for twenty-seven pence. When SMuG took over, one more programme was brought into production, "Privitised Casulty", and "Shite Today/Tonight" was re-named "Tories Today/Tonight". Also, the broadcast infrastructure was improved and could now broadcast up to 12 square miles on a clear day. In 1981 a fire broke out in the TV centre but only one studio out of the three was destroyed, much to the disappointment of viewers.
In 2003, the new television regulation board, Shutoffcom stated that the channel must serve the whole of Central Scotland and must follow the ITV Network schedule. For the first time, the Edinburugh population had a television service. As a celebration, SMuG Plc merged both Shittish Television and sister Grumpy Television into ShiteTV One.
A quote from one of Shittish Television's thirty-four viewers: "I swear to god that they made this programme about an annual meeting in a loft where they would wind up toy trains this loser had and let them travel along the wooden pieces of track. Honestly this is not made up I swear on everyone's life. I would not mess with fate like that."
Shittish Television has made award winning programmes like "Shittish Postcode Challenge". Their recent "Watch to win" live show was estimated to have 50 million viewers.
In 2022, Paul McCartney of The Beatles acquired The Companies who owns Shittish Television and became the CEO of the Company
Grumpy Television[edit | edit source]
Grumpy Television (now known along with Shittish Television as ShiteTV One) was the name of the ITV region for Northern Scotland from 2005 to 2006. The channel started off as Grumpy Entertainment; a performance-arts group who could not afford television, but splased out on a cardboard box from the local Kwik Save, and danced in it all around th region. However, due to network restrictions, they were forced to put chavs in the box to perform from April 2005.
In November 2005, Ofcom decided that a real television channel should launch in Northern Scotland. There was no competition between all 16 inhabitants of the region, and the liscence was instantly awarded to Grumpy Entertainment. However, after one hour of being in operation, their studios, named "The Shack", were struck by a good hard Scottish storm, and unfortunately were subject to fork lightening.
The ashes of the premises were quickly snapped up by Shittish Television owner, SMuG Plc, who simply relayed Shittish into the Grumpy region, saving them a whole £1.20 each decade. As a celebration, the channel, along with Shittish Television, was renamed ShiteTV One.
Crapton Television[edit | edit source]
“I was amused to read one poster in the newsgroup explain that CARLTON stands for "Calling All Real Londoners Turn Over Now"!”
Crapton Television is the ITV licencee for the days when people are working in London, but is also the owner of SexCentral TV in the Midlands, and Westcock in the, er, West Cock (how they spelt it) region. The channel started off in 1993 when company owner, The Green Giant, ate all his greens and gobbled up all the staff of former liscencee, Tomb Television. The digestion was not satisfactory, and none of the reminents of Tomb did ever re-emerge.
On January 1, 1993, puzzled viewers were thrown straight into Crapton's first programme, A Crappy New Year, which was actually a sublminal programme presented by world-famous hypnotist Chris Tarrant. The programme's aim was to trick the viewers into thinking Crapton was a world-class producer of high-brow programming, and that Tomb Television was an illegal fraud. It seemed to work, and the locals thought Crapton was the best thing since the invention of home-cleaning garden- mowing tellytubby-shooting train-spotting robots.
They took the hypnotism one step further by introducing special idents, which tricked the viewer into thinking an announcer was speaking, but in reality, Crapton could not afford to employ more than two workers at any given time. In 1994, Crapton completed the hypnotic take-over of Central Independent Television, which was renamed SexCentral TV by Crapton. In 1999, they re-named SexCentral to Crapton Television using Crapton's hypnotic idents, but the Midlands viewers had some sort of genetic allele which prevented Crapton's influx on the region. By 2004, Crapton were forced to remove the hypnotism in the Midlands and the name SexCentral re-appeared.
Crapton's major programming included "Poland, Camera, INVASION!" and "Hypnotic tales for Gay Kids", but since 2004, Crapton does not make any programming for any region. They mainly show around 23.5 hours live coverage of ITV's high-brow reality TV programming, but occasionally show cheap local programming such as "ChavMania", a profit show in which Tomb Television were hypnotised into making.
Ugly Television (UTV)[edit | edit source]
Ugly Television (informally and incorrectly known on air as UTV) is the ITV contractor for petrol-bomb happy Northern Ireland. It began broadcasting in 1958 when four ugly local residents realised that people looked prettier on television, which therefore named their channel "Pretty Television". However, colour and 625-line broadcasting arrived in 1969, which showed every nook and cranny of one's face, which caused a dispute on whether the channel should remain as "Pretty Television". In 1980, PTV invented a new identity, nicknamed "television on a stick" as that was basically it, a television on a wooden pole, but occasionally a special version was used where the television blows up, and a huge zig-zag spark jolts across the pole. In 1981, PTV rebranded as Ugly Television as by a 1.8million-signature petition in the area, and the resultant was the same "television on a stick" identity, but with the words "Ugly Television" cleverly superimposed over 94.7% of the visible screen.
In late 1980s, Ugly Television invented a high computerized ident: the "zigzag" corporate logo, rendered in 3D. In 1990, due to a dispute with neighbouring Welsh-broadcaster, "Hideous Television (HacheTeeVee)", the company was forced to use the name "UTV" on air. It was bought out by Michael Jackson-owned Neverland MegaEnterprises Ltd in 2000, and since then, locals believe the channel's output has become plastic. Its present identity, named as "Ugly Take on the CrapAda Eye Teevee plc ident" or it's all about Ugly has failed to impress with viewers.
You are shit Television[edit | edit source]
Yorshit Television is the ITV contractor for Yorkshire and Lincolnshire. Yorshit also runs a childrens service, known as 'A-Up, It's gonna kill u all', which plays a scary ident with that trumpet thingy and keeps all children in the north of England peeing the sheets and staying utoe very night. It began in 1968 when ole' Gran Ada I of neighbouring Gran Ada Television died aged 124. Gran Ada could no longer afford to pay the Islamic Terrorist Authority (ITA) for its vast cell area, therefore it sold approximately 34.75610% of the broadcast area to a consortium informally known as Why TV. Why TV purchased the area from Gran Ada at a cost of £43,212.02, and its contract officially began on January 1, 1968. The company did not really know how to broadcast a television channel, and as a concequence, left Yorkshire viewers with white noise for three years until they found out what television was. Eventually, the ITA said Why TV's contract was not viable, and it was sold to another company, HeaveUp Television, for thirty six pence. HeaveUp illegally broadcast Gran Ada for a further six months, before it decided to launch its own service. They named it "Yorshit Television", named after the present CEO, Jeremy Kayhit, and the area, Yorkshire, thus creating "Yorshit Television". They could not afford a graphics department, and therefore filmed its first idents of a road arrow upside down. Nothing much happened until 1994, when the company was purchased by American Puke Plc. Since then, Puke have made the company cease production of all other programmes except Emmerdale; a raunchy farm come-celebrity reality TV show where the farmer is under pressure to see who he will get off with at "The Plough Inn", and more often than not, there are a few celebs in there too! Puke also purchased Tough Titties Television in the North East, however as all their budget is spent on Emmerdale, it is expected they will sell TTTV to Grand Aids. Since 2006, the company has been headed by Richard Desmond, who is also present CEO of Television X - the fantasy channel, of which some of its programmes are frequently shown on Yorshit to increase TVX's subscriber base.
Median Broadcasting[edit | edit source]
Median Broadcasting is the ITV contractor for the South of England. The company, owned by Average Plc, began broadcasting on an average day in 1993, and the average viewer saw the channel as very middle-class. The channel, named after the statistical average "median", succeeded Television Saudi as the Islamic Terrorist Commission (ITC, previously ITA) agreed that a local television channel should have its playout facility within 947 miles of the broadcast area, not a 4 hour flight away. Of course, TVS did complain, but the ITC simply threw an English dictionary at the Hebrew speaking CEO.
The contract was superceded by Median at precisely 12:01:24:16am on January 1, 1993. Median's output was definitely very average against TVS, Its single programme, Wizadora, was aknowledged to be watched by around 8.214567804 children aged 0 months to 84 months on a daily basis. In 1994, it was proved that children preferred to watch Countdown over on Channel 4, co-presented by Average Plc founder, Carol Vorderman. It was suggested that the acting within Wizadora was "too average", however Carol suggested because the children wanted would rather see the founder of their wonderful programme in person (she was later arrested the same day for charges of drink driving). The company has remained independent, as with Carol in charge; you've got your sums right. Median Broadcasting now insists all programming is fronted by the Legendary Fred Dinenage, who used to co-host Childrens TV programme "What!" with Vorderman, and his combover named Sangeeta.
Bomber Television[edit | edit source]
Bomber Television, formally Bordem Television is the ITV franchisee for the Border areas of southern Scotland and northern England, plus also the Isle of Man because why the fuck not. It began broadcasting in 1878 as a last attempt to stop the marauding Scots crossing the border into England (and vice-versa) in the hope they may tune into their television and prefer to watch Trisha instead. Even though it serves part of Scotland, its headquarters are actually 150ft below the city of Carlisle, and 204045ft above hell. It is run by a single person, Melvyn Bragg, now aged 302 and broadcasts his weekly show, The South Bank Show], from the depths of hell and its inhabitants. The company had an annual budget of £4.50 (well, at least from 1996 onwards: before that it was roughly about -¥1.3847420 and a pickle sandwich), and it's idents were hand-drawn (white pen on a blue slide, sometimes black on special occasions such as the annual shepherding 'Sheep Derby' against North Wales) masterpieces, drawn by Melvyn at the age of three. It was purchased by Gran Ada Ventures in 2001, who sealed off the entrance to its hellish studios and replaced it with a half price shed from B&Q (actually from Marley Homecare on closer inspection, dating it from roughly 1976), where its weekly programme, Lookuplookdown, is produced starring Auntie Mabel and occasionally Nadia. Gran Ada ventures instated Gran Ada's CEO Saddam Hussein at the head of the Border board, which was re-branded Bomber Television later that year to give the name "more impact". Gran Ada merged with Crapton in 2004 forming CrapAda Eye Teevee Plc, and therefore re-branded Bomber as ITV1 Bomber.
Angling Television[edit | edit source]
Angling Television was launched in 1952 by the East Anglia Angling Association and Anglian Attributes plc. Originally, it showed 23 hours a day of arousing Anglian Angling action, but its angling programming quota has significantly been reduced since. It was purchased by pisshead Carol Vordeman in 1995 (who also owned Median), however it was flogged to Gran Ada Television in 2000 after being sold to United Nobheads and Moles briefly in in 1996. Gran Ada crusaded across and torched down Angling's studios, leaving the remains of one fishing net. Angling's CEO until 1995 was Prince Kevin Charming, who was originally seen in Angling's idents carrying round the Angling flag on the end of a fishing rod.
Legal allegations[edit | edit source]
- Health effects
Over the years ITV has become involved in many accusations that the material that they have broadcast has irreversible effects to health. In 2009 - 2010 the channel received over 100,000 allegations that viewers had lost brain cells as a result of watching shows such as Britains Got Talent and Im a Celebraty Get Me Out of Here!
On Jan 31st 2011 the Womens Instutute attempted to sue ITV for broadcasting day-time talk show Loose Women claiming that it bought on post-menstrual effects triggered by the various whinging and moaning associated with show. The case was taken to the crown court but Judge Clive Pounds decided that this was untrue and stated that "Viewers are prone to this regardless of whether they watch the show or not. Most of the viewers are either un-employed middle aged dragons, benefit cheating single mums or feckless housewives."
Logos[edit | edit source]
1989-1998
1998-2005
2005-2013
2013-present
See also[edit | edit source]
- S-shaped weather presenter — the deformed eye candy used to distract whilst they fail to notice the torrential rain pissing down
- Quizmania — she's demented . . . maybe she's not
- BBC — Bee-bee-sea ahoy? And not forgetting the 'eye-eye Japs eyePlayer
- Channel 4 — the good alternative, or illicit love-child of retired BBC Execs, for those who like reality TV crap and makeover shows
- S4C — Welsh language channel for Wales, Velcro gauntlets and extra-large wellingtons compulsory
- Al Jazeera — a beacon of democracy in this confusing world of 'fake news'
References[edit | edit source]
- ↑ HEAT magazine unearth ITV's 'better than expected' annual report
