S-shaped weather presenter

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The S-shaped weather presenter is a female sub-species of Homo-Flirtatious which are officially categorised as an endangered species by the international body - WHO (Wankers Have Orgasms). It is thought the reason for being classified as endangered is due to their strictly limited territory - that being the otherwise well-known UK chav channel ITV.

An S-shaped weather presenter is easily recognised, as they display a deformity of the spine, in a characteristic 'S' shape. This is most apparent when viewed from the front, but is also evident when viewed from the side. This deformity is easily confirmed when the specimen is placed naked in the horizontal position and viewed in the plan-form from above (usually when the specimen is placed in a cheap budget hotel such as a Travelodge or Hotel F1 for the purposes of fornication).[1] It is believed there is no known cure for this tragic deformity, with the sufferers plagued with a degrading off-screen lifestyle. Many sufferers report being degraded with constant requests to perform fellatio (presumably due to their stunted height) - and for this reason, has been informally named as Nelsons syndrome.[2] Sufferers are likely to suffer other long-term health risks, the most noticeable being the onset of blindness, due to the overspill of ejaculate landing in their eyes. However, dispite their very apparent 'disbility', many of these specimens are strangely fuckable![1]

S-shaped weather presenters are only found at specific timescales, in one specific place - that being presenting making an incomprehensible hash at delivering weather forcasts on ITV after national or local news bulletins. Some have reported that there may also be another sub-species - the 'lesser spotted S-shaped weather presenter', which is alleged to have been seen presenting the weather on Channel 5, though this has been viggorously denied by Desmond Tutu, the controller of C5.

Other sources of research have examined the BBC, Channel 4 and Sky for the existance of the S-shaped weather presenters - but have failed to find any evidence of its existance outside of its logical territory ITV. When questioned, the BBC stated they had no plans to allow more than their legally obliged quota of crips (their sole representative being Gary O'Donahue - whom is afflicted with both blindness and extreme ugliness). Channel 4 responed that having such disabilies on their channel would seriously conflict with their - quote "target market". When the authors of this article asked for the response from Sky, they replied "Oh, we never actually asked Sky, because we have yet to find any member of the British public who admits to watching Sky News!"

Notable sufferers[edit]

Many weather presenters suffer with this tragic affliction, the most noticable being as follows:

  • Lucy Verasamy - the most severe sufferer
  • Claire McGlasson
  • Alice Piper

Anomolies[edit]

Dispite this species being extensively cultivated by the grooming department meterology training school of ITV, there have been a few anomolies - those who failed to develop the desired S-shaped spine. Because these individuals failed to meet the grade, they were deemed 'surplus to requirements' - and these apparently normal female weather presenters are now to be found in specialist refuge centres, such as the BBC Weather and Channel 4 Weather.

In response to these anomolies, ITV has sought (some say by using very underhand tactics) to 'poach' normal specimens of weather presenters from the likes of BBC, so as to establish weather they can retrospectively alter (it is suggested by genetic mutilation) to conform to the S-shape. The most high-profile of these is Laura Tobin - a fine English rose of a weather presenter, with many describing her as "the pinacle of weather presenters", "one of the BBC's top talents", and "the antipithy of Bill Giles". To combat future abductions, the BBC have removed all weather girls from their main studios, and they now permanently live and broadcast from a top-secret former military underground bunker. The BBC has defended its stance on this issue, stating it "was a temorary measure" put in place "until we can find a more suitable site". When probed on how long this 'temporary' measure is planned to last - the BBC remained tight-lipped, and refused to give and answer - citing "national security". However, it was leaked to the authors of this report that the BBC would "only release their weather girls when they reach the age of Carole Kirkwood"! Whilst this may appear to he a harsh stance, the author concludes that this may actually be as a result of the BBCs own scientific studies. The author has studied Carole Kirkwood for a number of years - and has discovered through diligent research that Carole has massive norks; and has hypothocised that by the time those incarcerated 'protected vulnerable females' reach the age that Carole now is (ie; menopauseal) - the conclusion is that being as Carole has reached this age with an intact and arrow-straight spine, despite the huge gravitational effect from those massive norks, any weather presenters released at this age will be beyond any effects of genetic mutilation.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. 1.0 1.1 PhD thesis of the report author
  2. This was initially incorrectly named by drunken sailors on shore leave (and is well known that Matelots have an IQ of single digits, and, is claimed, they "got confused with the name") - but in the light on no better alternative, has now been accepted as the established official name

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