Travelodge

“Grana-na-nana-da!”

– Granada Television on the takeover of Forte Travelodge

“Hello Moto”

– Travelodge after the Granada de-merging

“Oww!!!”

– Travelodge customer

Travelodge is a chain of shitty budget hotels in the United Kingdom and some of its former overseas territories which was owned by Adolf Hitler. Then a paedophile organisation stole it from him, who, in turn, realised they were a paedophile corporation, and not a hotel company and they ended up being owned by Moto, which sounds like a mobile telephone company but it's not. The selling out story continued, but it gets boring so, cutting a long story short, it's now owned by some Arabs.

The 'Safer Hotel'

Recently important people at the company realised that running a hotel business was really quite expensive. This was mainly because the people who only have the budget to stay in a shitty hotel are inherently fucking idiots and will do pretty much whatever they fucking can and manage to injure themselves in the process. So Travelodge embarked on a new business strategy to create the ultimate hotel where it was virtually impossible for anyone to do any damage to themselves or others.

The 'Safer Hotel' strategy works on the following health and safety principles.

• No restaurant - You may get food poisoning
• No toiletries - They're so small you might think they're sweets and swallow them.
• No toilet paper - Paper wraps stone so it must be dangerous.
• No toilet - Stops kids trying to mimic a certain scene from the movie Trainspotting
• No shower - You might get knifed to death.
• No shower curtain - It may inhibit the emergency services.
• No bath - You might drown.
• No sink - That's what the Titanic did and look what happened there!
• No water - Especially 'hard' water
• No bathroom - Not really much point.
• No desk - You might bang your knees.
• No chair - Chairs promote incorrect posture
• No wardrobe - You may find yourself in a magical land and get abducted by a strange pale-faced lady on a sleigh.
• No hangers - You might hang yourself.
• No television - You might get square eyes.
• No heater - No idea why they don't have these.
• No sockets - Again, this one alludes us all.
• No bed - You might die in your sleep.
• No bedroom door - You might trap your fingers.
• No bedroom - Empty rooms are still dangerous.
• NO SOUP FOR YOU - Come back, one year!

Consequently it was decided that the safest option for Travelodge's customers was to piss off home. This saved the company millions of pounds a year in employment, construction and general running costs. Travelodge now rip people off for as much as at least £50 for each fucking night for the privilege of sleeping in a field. These fields can be literally anywhere including farm land, a national park, or some random cunt's back garden. Travelodge still offer complementary towels as not one of their fucking customers has worked out how to hang themselves with one of these, yet. They also offer a complementary tent, although due to health and safety reasons, they have been refused permission to supply ropes or tent pegs with them by the corrupt UK government, as one of their fucking customers may somehow manage to trip over and strangle themselves with it.