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Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.
This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.
What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)
Featured today, a long long time ago
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Did you know...
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- ... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)
- ... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
- ... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
- ... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
- ... that the police are at your door?
- ... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
- ... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that BET is dedicated to bringing quality entertainment to the masses? (Pictured)
- ... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
- ... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
- ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
- ... that I am inside your walls?
- ... tennis isn't just a game?
- ...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
- ... that Uranus is a gas giant?
 - ... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
- ... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
- ... that women get periods, but men get commas?
- ... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
- ... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
- ... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
- ... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
- ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
- ... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
- ... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
- ... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
- ... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
- ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
- ... that Uranus is a gas giant?
- ... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)
- ... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poopcock, everyone blows their minds?
- ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
- ... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
- ... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
- ... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
- ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
- ... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
- ... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)
- ... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
- ... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
- ... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
- ... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
- ... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
- ... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
- ... the muffin man?
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In the news
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On this day...
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March 14: American π Day
- 27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
- 435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
- 1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
- 1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
- 1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
- 2004 - The day Krabs fries
- 2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
- 2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.
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