UnNews:Trump awarded another Nobel Peace Prize for ending war in Venezuela he started three hours ago
Saturday, January 3, 2026
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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Following air strikes on Caracas and the successful capture of Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro, Donald Trump was given yet another Nobel Peace Prize for his commendable work of putting an end to the war he started approximately three hours ago. This tallies his Nobel prizes to fifteen so far (three in one year) which is an accomplishment as it is only a yearly award.
Chief of Staff Susie Wiles lamented the lack of shelf space to store all of Trump's numerous Nobel Peace Prizes (all of them legitimate and certified Swedish). This was the real motivation for adding a ballroom extension to the White House, in part to throw lavish parties in a time of economic struggle, but also for a place to store all of Trump's Nobel prizes.
Marco Rubio, a devout Christian, was seen pacing the grounds of what was once the White House Rose Garden (now a ballroom storage space for prizes), masturbating furiously to an AI-generated image of Havana burning.
"Since Putin wasn't playing ball, I couldn't stop that crazy war in Ukraine. If I wanted to be the most peaceful president of all time, I had to end as many wars as possible, and you can't end any wars if you don't start them!" Trump stated in a later press conference. "It's okay to start a war if you end it on the first day!" Starting and ending wars makes America great again.
"I've ended so many wars!" Trump continued, "The one in Iran, the one in India and Pakistan, and by the way: in America we say Pakistan, not PAH-KISTAN like COMMIE OBAMIE! I even ended the war in Gaza! Totally over! Absolutely no conflict there anymore. There couldn't be a more peaceful place on earth. You know we're going to open a resort in Gaza and hire all the refugees?" We really are a compassionate and merciful nation. Former President Joe Biden responded to the news by twitching his right eye slightly and signaling his minders for a tub of Pelosi's finest Jeni's ice cream.
Maduro and his wife are currently in U.S. custody; they were previously indicted by the Southern District of New York on misdemeanor racketeering charges and failure to pay a parking ticket at the U.N. building in 2013. Marco Rubio was reportedly seen just outside the bars of Maduro's cell in the Metropolitan Detention Center in New York City, screeching like a monkey and throwing feces at the deposed Venezuelan kleptocrat, and also masturbating furiously.
When asked what will happen to Venezuela following the capture of their head of state, Trump replied with a sheepish little shrug
and a cheeky little "I dunno!", which journalists in the room said was absolutely adorable. Trumps entire family giggled at the cute gesture while they bought up thousands of shares of American oil company stocks.
In a leaked call with Xi Jinping, Putin was heard lamenting that America's "Special Military Operation" was done much faster than his, with Xi allegeldy consoling the distraught Rooskie by saying that he could try again with Estonia. The two are so sad that their Nobel Peace Prizes of zero pale in comparison to Trump's huge ballroom stash of over a dozen. "He can shove those prizes up his ass," said Putin, "I don't care, I'm going to win a Golden Globe this year," he finished, while Xi claimed he will get a Gold Medal this year in race walking at the Olympics.
Trump celebrated his triumph in the White House State Ballroom, greeting guests next to a swimming pool of caviar and champagne while his cabinet debated in which country to next start a war and declare peace within one day.
Sources
- Jeff Schogol, Nicholas Slayton "Delta Force, other special operations soldiers carried out Venezuela raid" Task & Purpose, January 3, 2026
