UnNews:Trump trumps on Venezuela
Saturday, January 3, 2026
Caracas, VENEZUELA — At around 2:00 VET this morning[1], President of the United States Donald Trump decided to trump out a colossal, 30-minute-long malodour during a sojourn to the airspace of the Venezuelan north whilst naked and hanging onto a rope attached to a helicopter embellished with his own name. This transpired after his downing five bowls of pabellón criollo at a restaurant in the vicinity while accompanied by a horde of military generals on an arduous quest to hold Venezuelan Führer Nicolás Maduro hostage.
Although no US service member deaths from the fart have been announced, hundreds of buildings in the capital city of Caracas have been rendered in severe dilapidation. This includes the Miraflores Palace, home residence of Maduro and his wife, first lady Cilia Flores, both of whom were discovered by the US military to be unconsciously writhing about in the Ayacucho presumably upon giving Trump's tumultuous flatulence a mere whiff. Upon infiltrating the presidential residence, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Dan Caine attributed the couple's spasmic convulsions to trafficked Class A drugs.
Maduro and Flores are currently being apprehended aboard an assault ship to the United States where they are to be arrested on accounts of "narcoterrorism" according to US Attorney General Pam Bondi.
Donald Trump is expected to be furnished with yet another instalment to his conglomeration of Nobel Peace Prizes for helping to cleanse this Earth free of illegal drug trafficking rings and cartels by sprinkling his digestive gases into the ozone layer. Though if that were the initial goal, admittedly it would have been more efficient to trek in Mexico and cut one loose on Claudia Sheinbaum while stopping over there for some mole de olla instead.
Vice President of Venezuela Delcy Rodríguez has been left at the helm of the country in the tumultuous flatulence's wake. Despite this, Trump vehemently insists that he will be annexing Venezuela and turning it into the 51st US state after a speech at Mar-a-Lago, in a similar fashion to his previous threats of appropriating Canada and Greenland for his own good.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ and conveniently just about a year after his decision to set California ablaze with the power of nothing more than a beef-filled flour tortilla and his anus
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Everything we know about US strikes on Venezuela" Sky News, January 3, 2026