UnNews:Donald Trump accidentally sets California ablaze after consuming a gas station burrito
Thursday, January 9, 2025
“NOT AGAIN! ”
“Holy moley, at least my giant doodie didn't catch on fire!”
“Stupid Mexican food.. first they're takin' our jobs, then our dogs and cats, now this! I'm gonna punish 'em by taking.. the Gulf of Mexico and renaming it the Gulf of 'MURICA!”
On January 7, 2025, Donald Trump was finishing up his road trip consisting of visiting several sightseeing destinations throughout Southern California such as the parking lots of several unimportant fast food restaurants which Trump swears "on a minnion dowwurs" was absolutely not the place where he conducted drug deals, according to a recent interview with one of his friends.
Anyways, as expected, Trump was feeling quite famished after his suspiciously long toilet break (which he forgot to pull his pants back up from, due to his worsening dementia) and was looking for some food. Luckily, like a guardian angel, down swooped the conveniently placed convenience store across the road.
Like a dog thrown a bone, Trump immediately ran for the establishment down the road, much to the alarm of the several bystanders confused about the fact an old man with skin "like an orange peel" was running with his pants down across four lanes of traffic towards a gas station. Once he set foot in the establishment, Trump used the suspiciously large amount of physical cash in his pockets to pay for a burrito from the gas station, and promptly slid the whole thing down his throat. He then yelled something along the lines of "Great Service Indian Mister!" to the employee at the gas station and ran back to his car.
Unfortunately for little old Donald, the old man's digestive system wasn't up to the challenge today of processing whatever unholy substances were contained within that burrito, and within seconds of Trump getting back into his car, a sound similar to an "earthquake mixed with boiling water" cascaded throughout the local area, according to bystanders, and shortly after that, Trump "likely shat out every single one of his internal organs at a velocity approaching the speed of light" according to physicist Albert Einstein who was watching the spectacle from afar.
While it propelled Trump back to D.C. just in time for ol' Jimmy Carter's funeral, the resulting shitstorm instantly sent an unbelivable amount of human feces at about 98,000 degrees Fahrenheit flying in every direction, obliterating everything within a 20 mile radius of Trump at the moment the incident happened. After the initial explosion, the lava-like substance emitted from Trump's behind immediately set the surrounding area in Southern California on fire, with subsequent shit explosions occurring at a nonstop rate, covering more and more of the state in fiery poop.
Over the next few hours, Trump's feces spread like a plague, through soil, through air, through rock and through metal, burning everything in its way before exploding into more of the flaming feces to start the cycle again for miles in every direction. Within 30 hours, it's estimated that 60% of California was burned to the ground during as a result of the incident. The last parts of California in the north are currently being destroyed.
Luckily, not a single inch of any other state's land has been affected or even heated up by this disaster. It is unknown why this is, but J.D. Vance is concocting an explanation for it as we speak.
Among the casualties, Donald Trump is somehow not one of them, as 10 hours and 69 minutes after the incident he posted a picture of him giving the middle finger to a picture of california with the caption "Talk about a shitty situation! libs had it coming for not managing their forests properly and jam-packing wokeism into their food lolololololololol" on Twitter, or rather Shitter as Elon Musk renamed it in recognition of the event (though this probably wouldnt have changed much since people were already calling it that.)
Similarly, Gov. Gavin Newsom has passed a resolution to rename Southern California "Poopeii."
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