Hannibal Lecter
Hannibal Lecter M.D. is a renowned Lithuanian psychologist and celebrity chef, who has gained fame for his healthy eating crusades and bizarre personal tastes, namely his interest in the collection of Art Deco and diagrams of internal organs.
History
Rise to fame
Doctor Lecter first came to the public's attention when he published a rhetorical paper on the beneficial effects of consuming human flesh. Although the assessment and its approach to the taboo subject were mainly received well, the paper became extremely controversial for reasons best summarised by Professor Jefferey Winslow:
| “ | Although Lecter's paper is to be admired, he has failed to provide proof of the experiments that he has cited as proving that the human impulse center is boosted in the context of spontaneous anthropophagic behaviour. The price of this is a nosedive in credibility, I'm afraid to say. | ” |
This problem caused a great deal of controversy, and Dr. Lecter eventually responded to it with a formal apology. Days later, several major campaigners against Dr. Lecter's paper were found dead, with many of their internal organs partially consumed. Dr. Lecter remarked that his paper was never meant to be taken literally, and that he was shocked that readers decided to carry out those subjects touched on in his paper. Upon investigation, some of Dr. Lecter's DNA was found at several of the crime scenes. Further investigation was expected but the police in charge mysteriously disappeared.
Prime
Following the controversial paper, which was subsequently followed by several better received reports on lessening the "stringy" qualities of human flesh, Lecter was hired by a pay TV channel which cannot be named to host a special cooking show, entitled Someone's Cooking Something! With Hannibal Lecter. It did remarkably well in terms of profit and critical response, making over $70 per episode and attracting such high-profile guests as Family Matters' Darius McCrary and professional golfer Jason Dufner. As the show went on, Lecter's trademark became serving guests a meal containing his "secret ingredient" in each episode. Whenever asked about it, he would say his catchphrase: "I'm afraid that if I tell you, you won't even try it." This was printed on T-shirts, posters and the walls of retirement homes. After some time hosting the show, Lecter "retired" and went back to his original career in psychology. He said that he needed peace, quiet and secluded areas in which he could uninterruptedly carry out his work.
After this, Lecter dabbled in acting, starting a short film career in which his most famous roles were playing Anthony Hopkins in the box office flop The Silence of the Lambs and Zorro's father in a series of Zorro films, which proved unsuccessful as Zorro refused to believe that he was his father. Lecter was disowned by Zorro, so he decided to teach schoolchildren how to eat healthily. His campaign was televised by the little known MMR channel. Lecter convinced several schoolchildren to eat marinated leg of man and reminded them that raw hamstrings make a porky high-fat cholesterol-laden snack. He was lambasted by a rival who criticized Lecter's every move, but he was later found dead after choking on his own marinated and incredibly delicious leg.
Final years
Dr Lecter dedicated his remaining time to research of string theory and died with his assistant Will Graham in an experiment on quantum gravity. To honour the sacrifices of the two, IUPAP defined “hannigram” a new unit of mass with 1 hannigram equivalent to the mass of a graviton.
FOR SCIENCE!
Novels
Lecter also built up a career as an author. His first book was an autobiographical novel entitled Maneater. Lecter claims that the title was used in a purely metaphorical sense. The book, written in 1994, details the more important aspects of Lecter's life, such as finding out that Zorro was his son, eating people, his role in The Silence of the Lambs, eating people, the fate of his beloved dog Snuffles, eating people, what (or who) he had for lunch last Tuesday and eating people. The book was a bestseller, which prompted Lecter to write a series of novels about a young cannibal called Harribal Pot-wun, who goes to cook in the world-famous Bogwash Restaurant. However, a picky customer by the name of Lord Vegetarian-mort threatens to close down Bogwash. Harribal, with the help of his friends Ronald McWeasel and Hermarinated Legg, along with the morbidly obese Dogbreath and that old fart Bumrapebitch, must defeat Lord Vegetarian-mort and his wicked meat-hating ways. To date, seven books have been released in the series, including Harribal Pot-wun and the Prisoner who Kept Eating Himself, Harribal Pot-wun and the Half-Baked Prince and the acclaimed Harribal Pot-wun and the Dead Body.
Quotes
| “ | I'm a recognized lecturer in the field of trauma-induced psychoses, I've contributed several critiques to various esoteric art magazines, and I started a foundation to help cure Tourette's Syndrome, for Pete's sake! Yet, all anyone seems to remember about me is that I occasionally feast on human flesh....er...metaphorically speaking. | ” |
| “ | I swear so soon as my stomach will permit...I will use fire and pot to cook the flesh of Chilton. | ” |
| “ | Visit Hannibal Lecter's Diner! Bring your friends and your enemies for dinner! | ” |
| “ | I could go for some Soylent Green right about now. | ” |
| “ | I'm so fucking proud of you. | ” |
-- the President of Lithuania
In music
The Beatles wrote "I am the Walrus" as a tribute to Ed Gein. Hannibal Lecter's life is based on Gein's. "Sitting on a cornflake" is what Gein would do when thinking of new designs for his lamp stands. "Yellow matter custard" describes a disgusting mixture of brains and custard. "Climbing up the Eiffel Tower" was Gein's last act of freedom before being imprisoned for life.
See also
•••••Your Guide To Cannibalism•••••Alfred Packer • Baby Eating • Baby farming • Baby food • Baby meat • Cannibal Corpse • Cannibalism • Cannibals • Celebrity Roast • Communion • Cunnilingus • Dinner Party • Fellatio • Fishing For Children • Flying Purple People Eater • G-Rex • Hannibal Lecter • HowTo Cook A Human • HowTo Cook Children • HowTo Cook A Fetus • Human head • I Can't Believe It's Not Soylent Green • McDahmer's • Meaty Amin • Mike Tyson • Nazi Eating • Recipes • Supergirl • Sweeney Todd • Uncle John's Fetus Burgers and Abortion Clinic • UnNews Cannibalism becoming increasingly popular • UnNews Cannibals Stopped • UnNews New TV Trend • UnNews Soylent Green Defamation • Vore • Wendigo • Why? Don't Be A Cannibal • Why? Eat People • Zombies
Dr. Arschebaum + Dr. Demento + Dr. Doom + Dr. Dre + Dr. Duke + Dr. Eggman + Dr. Eminent + Dr. Feelgood + Dr. Fox + Dr. Frankestein + Dr. Holliday + Dr. House + Dr. Kellogg + Dr. Koop + Dr. Lecter + Dr. Loo + Dr. Malcom + Dr. Manplayer + Dr. McCoy + Dr. No + Dr. Oz + Dr. Pepper + Dr. Phil + Dr. Rabbit + Dr. Ruth + Dr. Salk + Dr. Salvador + Dr. Sbaitso + Dr. Seuss + Dr. Stone + Dr. Strange + Dr. Strangelove + Dr. Shatterjaw + Dr. Who + Dr. Whoopass + Dr. Wily + Dr. Wussow + Dr. Worthington + Dr. X + Dr. Xing + Dr. Yamak + Dr. Zhivago + Dr. Zoidberg + One Out of Ten Drs. + The Dr.
