Estados Unidos de México
|Motto: "Send them to America..."|
|Anthem: "José, Can you See?"|
|Largest city||Los Angeles|
|National Hero(es)||Speedy Gonzales, Subcomandante Marcos, Zorro, Pancho Villa, El Tigre and pretty much anyone who makes it across the border without getting caught|
May 5th, 1821 |
|No Habla Engles|
The Estados Unidos Mexicanos, more commonly known to non Mexican speakers as Mexico, is a nation located beneath the far superior United States.
Commonly known for being that rampant world of corruption and drunkenness, laziness and unending fiestas, Mexico is the leading provider of cheap human labor. Mexico struggles to find its role in a new and strange globalized economy, where selling tequila to underage gringos who hop over the border just doesn't make the ends meet anymore.
Mexico is a place filled with Mexicans! It was discovered for the very first time by the Viking Maciek in the 15th Century, but he needed to leave in order to go to the final concert of Metallurgica. Then, the Spanish rediscovered it when they found a highly advanced society of humans who had merely stumbled upon the land accidentally. As such, they executed, enslaved, and poisoned them until they managed to take over.
Soon, Mexican culture began to form out of a mix of the Spanish and the natives, by taking the very worst of both worlds and putting them together into an incoherent society. From Spain, they took Bull running, in which Bulls are angered and then forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling. The Day of the Dead was also taken from Spain, where the dead are dug up and forced to chase people down narrow streets, followed by a deadly mauling.
From the Maya, a tendency to leave one's country was inherited and is still seen to this day. From the Aztec, a unique tradition of violence was kept in the form of pointless coups, civil wars, military junta's and hostile takeovers that would plague the country for much of its history. Now are day Mexico is filled with Mexicans who try to cross the border every day i mean every day some get through to find shit on the other side most get caught and have to stay with other Border crossing mexicans and even more shit
On May 5th, 1810, Mexico declared itself independent from the Spanish empire. Spain quickly retaliated, by sinking the Mayo, Mexico's only ship. This day is commemorated as 'sink'o de Mayo' day.
In Monterrey, the 'Taco Bell' was first raised into the bell tower at Taco Hall to mark Mexico's independence. The clearly visible crack in the bell is a result cheap Mexican labor. Due to this, the bell inspires pride and patriotism throughout Mexico to this day.
In the 1960's, a rise in crime began. Speedy Gonzales, a famous Mexican criminal, stole approximately 6 Million Worthlos, or 50 Dollars, from Mexican banks in Monterrey, Cancun, and Toluca. Unsuccessful and often humorous attempts were led by President Sylvester "The Cat" Stallone to capture Speedy, all resulting in failure.
In 1972, a massive grass roots campaign was led to elect Pedro as the write in candidate. Pedro was entirely unknown, but nonetheless won the election. Quickly he captured Speedy Gonzales, and ushered in the modern era of Mexico.
After the popular capture of the criminal Speedy Gonzales, Mexico fell into a dark phase where corruption and narcotic trafficking reigned. Pedro's weak rule allowed for the country to fall into further decadence.
However, where the government failed, the citizenry excelled. Three Mexican patriots, El Santo, El Mariachi, and El Chapulin Colorado (The Red Grasshopper) became vigilantes. They constantly made battle against Mexican drug lords, and the Crime Network of Danny Trejo. Between 1975 and 1980, this duo managed to lower crime throughout Mexico.
This movement came to an abrupt end in 1980, when El Santo passed away, he was succeeded by Antonio Banderas, who ended up eliminating Mexico's criminal element within months, before reforming Danny Trejo into a productive if not ultra violent member of society.
Pedro continued to do nothing as President, until in the 1990's he co-founded NAFTA.
“It isn't that we don't have jobs in our beloved nation, it's our job to be here!”
“In Soviet Russia, FOBAPROA pays YOU!!”
A place of exotic mystery and weird hats, the Mexican economy is amazing. The country has been systematically pillaged and plundered for 70+ years and counting, and still provides for us all! The Mexican economy generates yearly more than 70,000 kazillion dollars, of which 99% is devoted to paying the politician's salaries, 0.1% is devoted to paying the politicians' assistants salaries, 0.89% goes to the ex-presidents' pensions and 0.01% is spread amongst the needy population. Milton Friedman repeatedly expressed his bemusement at the Mexican economy's functionality and dynamic pace, claiming that he'd "...never seen something that's as fucked up as that and still works with a certain degree of normality!!.
Mexico is famous for its exports. the most famous of which are:
- The Mexican wave!!!
- Cocaina & Mota
- Hot Chile
- Something that Lou Dobbs can rant about every frickin' day
- Recently, oscar-nominated movies
- Fine Asses
- Salsa (both the music and the food)
- Tequila worms
- Tequila hangovers
- Tequila mockingbirds
- Football... Er... I mean, soccer
- Freakin' insane TV shows
- More Mexicans
- Marijuana smuggled from Colombia
- Flour tortillas
- Soap operas
- Even More Mexicans
- Color TV (seriously, this is true!)
- Cheap Labor
- Texas, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Utah and a bit of Oklahoma, Kansas and Wyoming (This is true since all of these states where once Mexican soil, and apparently still are thanks to the above mentioned export(s))
- 75% of the actresses in porn.
- Mexico's greatest export to the United States is illegal immagrants
Mexico gains greatly from all this exports, providing wealth and comfort for the political class that exactly like America, is exceedingly good at doing their job: Conning the people into paying them excessively high salaries.
Mexico, though hard to believe, also imports several important things. It is argued that the most important of these is dictionaries and playboy magazines. A list of successful Mexican imports
- Chinese sweatshop workers who can't read English and end up in Mexico
- Sand (for deserts)
- Breast implants (for women)
- Elves from Santa's workshop
- Cheap Chinese goods they pass off as their own
- Spanish "culture"
- Pseudo-smart people to run the government
- Debt (this is disputed to not be an import since it is electronic, and there is no electricity in 99% of Mexico.
The Mexican society has risen to topple tyrannical regimes before, but ever since has been in a state of slumber, patiently bearing unnecessary burdens placed upon the Mexican people by the politicians. To help cope with the stress inherent to such a task, Mexicans employ a variety of things:
- Football (the REAL ONE, not the one American pansies play with helmets and protection)
- Ninel Conde 
All of this serves as a steam exhaust pipe for social frustration, channeling it through the right paths - the paths of "I don't give a fuck, I'm too lazy/tired/ignorant to do anything about this country being messed up".
Mexico is notable for lacking any major sports teams, and its frequent absence from the Olympics. This is because anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.
People in Mexico speak a language called Mexican. It is rumored to in fact be a plagiarized version of Spanish, however these claims are unfounded. About 0.001% of Mexicans still speak Aztec, but because Mexico is so proud of it's native heritage these people are brutally suppressed whenever possible.
Useful phrases and their Translations
- ¡Este pinche gringo es gordo como una ballena! - Here´s the bill Sr.
- Ya eres un maldito gringo no? Ya te dieron la grin carr no? - I'm glad you are in the USA.
- ¡Devuélveme mi cartera, cabrón! - (Gimme back my wallet asshole!) Useful for when you're drunk at a Mexican beach.
- Ahorita (lo hago) - (I will do it) Three months from now.
- Mi casa es tu casa. - Please ransack my house.
- Mañana te pago - You'll never see your money again!
- Esto es un Complo - AMLO Favorite!
- La última y nos vamos - Sarcastic way of saying that we will, in fact, keep drinking all night.
- Yo no fui/Yo no sé - A very good possibility that in fact, he/she did DO IT or knows who did.
- Güey - A superfluous sentence ender, akin to the Canadian "eh?"
- Madonna - McDonalds
- ¡Chinga tu pinche madre, cabron hijo de puta! - Hello, how are you?
- No me importa - Of course your opinions are important.
- Gringos de mierda como no se mueren hijos de puta!- I'm a gringo
- Solo blancos en America!- America is mixed
- It is also customary to give oral sex on the way to the various resorts
Jokes are very popular in Mexico, here are some examples.
Q: Why there are not coups-d'etat in USA?
A: Because there is not American Embassy there.
Q: How many Americans does it take for changing a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows, they have to call a Mexican because they do not even know how to change a light bulb.
Q: A bunch of New-Yorkers, Texans and Californians are flying, but the airplane crashes in the mountains, who is safe?
A: The humanity.
Q: How do you make the perfect business?
A: You buy an American in what he is really worth, and you sell him in what he thinks he is worth.
A: Better, you sell him by the kilogram.
Q: What is cannibalism?
A: An American eating at Kentucky Fry Chicken.
Q: How do you call a son-of-a-bitch in Mexico?
A: You do not call him, he comes by himself in spring-break.
Q: What is the scientific name for an open mind American?
A: Compound Skull Fracture.
If you see a rat and an American drowning in a swimming pool. What do you do?, do you read the newspaper or take a coffee?
Q: Why there is not famine in the USA?
A: Because God never punishes twice, being American is punishment enough.
Q: How do you call an American kid under drugs?
A: Future Marine.
One village in Texas had a rumor going around: a girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a mob attack, the local Mexican workers gathered together. Suddenly, another Mexican came running up, and cried, "Wonderful news, Wonderful news!, The murdered girl was Mexican!"
An old Mexican in California is on his deathbed:
-- "My children, remember to defend the African Americans."
-- "Why African Americans, daddy?"
-- "Because if they are gone, we will be next."
After Hurricane Katrina and the civil disturbances, a government official in New Orleans menacingly addressed some Mexican workers,
-- "I suppose you know in full detail who was behind it."
-- "We have no idea, but the government's conclusion will be the same as always: they will blame the Mexicans and the cyclists", the Mexicans responded.
-- "Why the cyclists?" asked the befuddled official.
-- "Why the Mexicans?" they responded.
Mexico is a vast triangular wasteland, surrounded on both sides with shark infested tropical water. As such, it is highly susceptible to Hurricanes, flooding, and sporadic outbreaks of amoebic dysentery. It is bordered by the United States to the north, and Guatemala and Belize to the south. Mexico is about one fourth the size of United States, and roughly one eighth as good.
- Guadalupe Victoria: The first president. Not to be blamed for the mess Mexico currently is.*
- Did you know that 70% of the Mexican presidents shopped at Victoria's Secret...for themselves.
- Antonio López de Santa Anna: First president Mexicans blame for the mess. Lost almost half of the country, and sold it to the United States for three magical beans, twenty dollars, two bags of chili, a captured chupacabra, and six pigs.
- Maribel Guardia: First and only immigrant woman that got elected because of her cleavage and mediocre acting in nonsense-related Telenovelas.
- Benito Juárez García: A guy that is remembered as a national hero, fought for the separation between
evilchurch and state.
- Porfirio Díaz: Invented relection. A new number in mathematics had to be invented to count the number of times he got elected and governed.
- José López Portillo y Pacheco: He managed what no other Mexican president could do - skyrocket inflation to an astounding 10,000,984,902% in his six years of service.
- Carlos Salinas de Gortari: Current president of Mexico in countless ways. He started all right and then stole some 300 millions and stashed them in Switzerland. Little mistake.
- Manuel Labor: Embodied the spirit of Mexico and its people like no other president. Mexican voters related to him in an unprecedented manner.
- Ernesto Zedillo Ponce de León: If you're a PRI follower, he's the bastard who handed in power to the opposition. If you're anybody else, he's the bastard who handed in power to incompetent fools and religious zealots.
- Vicente Fox: Father of Michael J. Fox and author of the book "How to erase the dividing line between Church and State" in a co-authorship with Pat Robertson. First mentally challenged person to be elected for office.
- Felipe Calderón del Sagrado Corazón de Jesus y la Vírgen María de todos los Santos y beatos de la santísima Iglesia Católica que Dios la tenga en Su Gloria Hinojosa: A democratically elected idiot. Much like Vicente Fox v2.0 but half the height and not a cowboy.
- Andrés Manuel López Obrador: Legitimate (Self-proclaimed) president. Doesn't hold a popularly elected seat, can't run for office in the time being, doesn't really exert a real influence over the majority of the decisions taken. His picture is next to the definition of the word "stubborn" in the Spanish dictionary of the Real Academia de la Lengua Española. Just can't get over it.
- Antonio Banderas: The "Mexican" actor with disputed nationality. A new face on the list of 21.5 People Who You Never Realized Were Blexicans
- Speedy Gonzalez: ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba! ¡Ándale!