Skinny Jean Syndrome
Skinny Jean Syndrome (SDS) is a disease which at its peak in the 1970s and 80s, had infected over 20% of the United States. Primarily caused by exposure to disco and funk music in nightclubs, the disease would cause its victims to be flamboyant, have a sudden urge to come out of the closet, and purchase a ton of skinny jeans. Even rock stars weren't immune, with George Michael, the Beatles, and even Michael Jackson suffering from this disease.
Thankfully, in the early 1990s, the disorder's days would be outnumbered. Beginning in the late 80s, the homophobic components of hip hop caused families who had suffered due to the disorder to buy it. Studies by scientists revealed that playing hip hop music near people who had the disorder caused the virus to die off, causing its victims to stop what they were doing. This would be a giant contributer to hip hop's acceptance in mainstream music, as the federal government invested millions in rappers like The Notorious B.I.G., Jay-Z, and Eminem, causing a rap renaissance.
History[edit | edit source]
Background[edit | edit source]
Imagine this. It's the late 1960s, the Beach Boys are popular, Martin Luther King was still alive, and everyone in California is a hippie. Obviously, many Soviets were pleased about this. Capitalizing on this, one chemist, a disgruntled Sidney Gottlieb would try to appease them. Previously heading development of MKULTRA, Sidney knew how to make bioweapons. However, his previous tests on hippies revealed that they were immune to practically any previous bioweapon created. This gave him a new idea: why can't he make his bioweapon attracted to hippie music? Reinvigorated, Sidney quit his job at the CIA in 1972 to begin on the project.
In 1975, Sidney would test his theory on Andy Gibb, the youngest of the four remaining Bee Gees. Andy was chosen as he was a relatively healthy Bee Gee, actually being rewarded a medal for his transition to a barbarian into a civilized person being famous for his rock music. However, when the virus was active on him, Andy would become a drug addict, dying at the age of 30 in 1988. This pleased Sidney, and after joining the KGB a few months after, they would mass-produce the drug to finally sabotage the Americans.
Peak outbreak (1977 – 1979)[edit | edit source]
The first recorded case of Skinny Jeans Syndrome would be recorded on December 12, 1977. John Travolta, who had starred as Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever, had chosen to attend its initial theatrical release at that day. Sadly, a KGB agent had spiked the projector with the virus, and when Travolta looked at it, he became the first patient. Initially fine, when he looked at one of his pilots a few hours later, he became gay and done several adventures before firing him in 1981. Meanwhile, people who were watching the movie got infected with SJS, spreading it to their families unintentionally.
After Travolta entered the Scientology base a few hours later, countless people would suffer from the disease, causing an extreme rise in the promotions of several jean companies. For a while, not many people got the disease, until July 24, 1978. That day, several Communists hijacked WKTU station and rebranded it as Disco 92. This caused a rapid rise in cases, as disco music was highly conducive for the virus's infection rate. By 1979, several anti-disco groups would begin forming, all funded by the federal government, who wanted this disease to be gone since it was making people violate public decency rules.
Secondary outbreak and decline (1979 – 1996)[edit | edit source]
Beginning in the early 1980s, the virus began mutating, infecting people by funk music instead of disco. This was due to Disco Demolition Night, which helped destroy the careers of disco musicians. As a result, the disease would have a secondary peak, as the 80s would be a golden age for R&B. During this time period, countless thousands were affected by the disease daily, making it a top priority of the CDC. Several cures would be proposed but throughout the 80s, the bubblegum pop present during the time would be a perfect breeding ground for the virus.
Officials were terrified of the virus, which pleased the Soviets. But when the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991, several documents were leaked by Sidney, who retired from his post as a Soviet agent and spent his retirement rubles in luxury. Some of these documents revealed that the virus was weakened by homophobia. Since the FCC refused to allow far-right people and homophobes to be on television or the Interwebs. Facing a dilemma, the CDC would strike gold after some members heard some rap music during a trip to Harlem.
After sending the music to some scientists, a research paper in 1992 would reveal that if rap music was relevant for at least 5 years, the virus would be permanently cleansed off the Earth. This caused a frenzy of public funding to occur. Initially resistant, congressmen would begin funneling money into record labels, making them prefer rappers and hip-hop musicians. By 1993, the first signs of the virus's decline were recorded as jean sales finally stabilized, much to the glee of federal officials. The last recorded person to be affected with the virus would be cured in late 1996.
