HowTo:Sell Your Soul To the Devil

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Many people desire to sell their soul to the devil, but have no way of knowing how to go about it. Perhaps their marketing knowledge is scarce, or they do not have contact information for the devil. For those who have always wanted to sell their soul to the devil, by reading this guide, you will soon have the means at your disposal.

Part of a series of articles on
I am the Bad Shepherd...

The Devil
Prince of Darkness
Church of Satan

The Unholy Trinity
The Father
The Son (Antichrist)
The Unholy Spirit

Satanic theology
Satanic Bible · Word of Satan
Perdition · Occultism
Satanic worship

The Path to Hell
Mortal sin
Seven Deadly Sins
Greed · Gluttony · Envy
Lust · Wrath· Sloth · Pride

Residents of Hell
Asmodeus · Baphomet
Behemoth · Beelzebub
Belial · Azazel
Macintosh · Satan Claus

Step One[edit | edit source]

Even if a naked angel with heels tempts you, don't run to the bright side!

Determine what your soul is worth. Peruse Consumer Reports to find out what other souls are going for. If you sell too cheaply, you will resent the bad deal for the rest of your eternal life in Hell. If your asking price is too high, the devil may laugh while declining your proposal. He may find you so idiotic that he will refuse to meet with you again. If you choose to bargain with the devil, be prepared for a long business meeting. Just to end it all, you will make an agreement you regret. So, think long and hard about the worth of your soul before planning to sell it. If you have difficulty, see a financial adviser. Note that the financial adviser should under no circumstances have a law degree, as it is common knowledge that all lawyers sell their souls during the last stage of the bar exam.

Step Two[edit | edit source]

So you've put a firm monetary value on your soul. Plan very carefully what you will do with this money, because you will only be able to enjoy it for a short time compared to your eternity in hell. Perhaps you will create a bucket list of things to do before Satan comes knocking at your door.

The amount you can receive depends largely on your intelligence. Obviously, Satan doesn't see any challenge to tricking stupid people, and, if Charlie Daniels is correct, he also appreciates musical talent. Another factor in your soul's value is how desperate you are. Money is nothing to a supernatural being like Satan, and with and endless supply provided by the Federal Reserve Bank, He'll often give you a little extra just for your troubles.

At this point, you are probably having doubts and fears. No doubt angels have visited you and pleaded with you not to go through with this decision. The important thing is to hold your chin up, proud that your selfishness in the here and now is more important than a life of charity leading to eternal peace. "Begone, Goodness!" will become your catch phrase.

Watch out--Those ain't "pennies from Heaven." They come with a price!

Step Three[edit | edit source]

Know how to contact the devil. Your local Satanic Church may be able to provide you with the address and phone number of one of Satan's trusted representatives on Earth. If you would rather speak to the devil without a mediator, you may purchase a Ouija Board for less than $20. A cheaper method is to buy a tub of black ink. Pour it in a bowl and gaze into it after lighting candles in the shape of a pentagram. Stare into the darkness and the devil should appear. If he does not appear, the line is busy and you should try again later.

A lifetime of fun awaits you! Enjoy it. After this life, it won't be back ever, ever again!

Step Four[edit | edit source]

Set out your terms for the Prince of Darkness to consider. Remember to include such things as how long you will live, how healthy you will be and whether you will have romantic opportunities. Many forgo these considerations in lieu of only money. Ask for unmarked bills and don't leave until you get them. Sign nothing until you see the cash. Don't grab the cash and attempt to run off before signing, either. Satan gets very, very angry, and will likely damn you to Super Hell.

Step Five[edit | edit source]

Celebrate your achievement! You are now a minion! Go out and have a beer with your friends. Live it up now, because you will be burning in the fiery pits of hell suffering in snake pits.