User:Kippy/BigUglyTemplateopedia

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CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Scientists at the The Mayo Clinic came to the conclusion that old people are more likely to die after the recent death of Bertha Madeline "Bobcat" Swanson, master gardener, beloved grandmother, and certified old person. The study began three years ago, when five old people died at The Shadyside old folks home within the same week. At that point, The Mayo Clinic dropped their study on a miracle cure for cancer, and began a study on the elderly. "We were all so occupied with this old folks study, everything else seemed unimportant," said Lisa Garber, head of research Tuesday, "When I was at home, all I could think about was getting back to the lab and working. Now that it's all over, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe go home, take a nap, cry into a quart of ice cream... Er... I mean... Eat a nice dinner... Yeah, that's what I meant... Anyway, this was probably our biggest breakthrough since we figured out that bears actually do shit in the woods (who knew?), so I guess I can be happy about that. Although in hindsight, throwing a party might not have been the best thing to do, seeing as there was a death and all..." The study in question consisted of the "old group" and three control groups (toddlers, young adults, and middle aged). The toddlers have yet to die, but the last person in the middle aged group was killed four days after Bertha, in a midlife crisis. When asked to comment, Lisa Garber merely said, "Let's just say his parachute had a hole in it..." Additionally, the last person in the young adult group, Jonathan White, nearly died after a head injury. However, after being admitted to the hospital, he did die of an accidental morphine overdose. One of our reporters was there, but was unfortunately out of the room at the time of death. The shady man standing next to Jonathan's body refused to comment. (Full article...) Recently featured: Uncyclopedia Gold Colin Kaepernick HowTo:Become the President of the United States Rachel Zegler Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins? ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure aids? ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins? ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure aids? ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins? ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure aids? ... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?	In the news Austria wins Eurovision (Pictured) MLB welcomes cheaters and pedophiles into HOF New cast and plotlines announced for longest running Filipino sitcom BREAKING: NEW POPE ALERT!!! Trump: "You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big." Phil Collins comes out of retirement after wank PBS and NPR to lose funding Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!) Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans Ongoing: Eurovision • The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers Recent deaths: Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run • Night Court • Lopez vs Lopez • Jayson Tatum's Achilles and Boston Celtics' repeat hopes Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1 On this day... May 20: Visions of the Virgin Mary Day (South America). 1492 - Christina Columbus, the illegitimate daughter of a mediocre sailor, discovers a new continent, only to have her father Christopher claim the discovery as his own. 1551 - For an entire year, people make lame jokes about anagrams and dying of syphilis. 1732 - Queen Victoria, the Virgin Queen, declares war on France. Again. 1927 - Charles Lindbergh impresses two continents and wins a load of cash. 1930 - A time-travelling Jimbo Wales makes an unsuccessful attempt to kill Hitler. The two later become the best of friends. 1932 - Popeye is introduced to Extra Virgin Olive Oyl. 2004 - MaCaulay Culkin finally loses his virginity while falling from a cliff.
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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