Portal:People/Selected News
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Highlighted News
- A man with no head has just swam across the English channel, "He's accomplished his dream!" onlookers presume
- Perfidious EU members kidnap Donald Trump, turn him into a walrus, Trump surprisingly okay with it (Pictured)
- Michigan man has just earned his 29th degree, is still jobless
- Local Twister game fails to turn sexual, to the chagrin of Wisconsin man.
- U.K's first hand transplant patient masturbates for the first time, has crisis of sexuality after technically being wanked by another man
- Oregon man is first to forget 9/11, "It's a lot to remember!" he says suspiciously...
People in Entertainment[edit | edit source]
- 30 Jun 2024: Stephen Root warns character actors of impending doom: "You're not safe either, Malcolm Mc...
- 04 Aug 2017: If you don't watch this movie, we will do something
- 04 Aug 2017: Pleakley to Have Sex with Men in Exchange for Money
- 14 Feb 2017: New "Weird Al" album to be executively produced by an infant baby
- 27 Mar 2015: Richard Hammond joins One Direction
- 18 Aug 2014: Cliff Richard abuse allegations investigated by police
- 03 Jul 2014: Mick Jagger: Van Halen are wrinkly old men trying to relive their youth
- 02 Jul 2014: Scale Everest: Now’s your chance!
- 25 Nov 2012: Lindsay Lohan creamed in Liz Taylor portrayal
- 21 Oct 2012: Wii U on indefinite hold
- 15 Jun 2012: Population of men who identify as gay up nearly 200% in month following leak of Snooki nud...
- 17 Jan 2012: Editorial - Why SOPA and PIPA are good ideas
- 02 Sep 2011: Cher spurns daughter’s role in TV freak show
- 23 Jul 2011: Obituary:Amy Winehouse enters rebirth
- 26 Mar 2011: Ryan Murphy disses Beady Eye
- 08 Mar 2011: Charlie Sheen swings from rooftop, yells ‘tally-ho!’
- 07 Mar 2011: Britney Spears raves about Jason Trawick’s manhood
- 02 Mar 2011: Samuel Jackson rips Oscars on diversity
- 01 Mar 2011: Qaddafi: al-Qaeda should apologize 'while licking my feet'
- 30 Jan 2011: Berlusconi urges Italy to turn off the TV
- 17 Jan 2011: Usher booed off stage
- 02 Jan 2011: Water causes evacuation of Napalm theme park
- 30 Nov 2010: Update: UnNews journalist threatened
- 09 Nov 2010: "You Are Dead" coming to cinema
- 08 Nov 2010: Shit That Pisses Me Off:The Vizio VBR100 Blu-ray player
- 07 Nov 2010: The Wedding Bride out on DVD
- 30 Aug 2010: Rabbi calls for 'laughing fit' on Mahmoud Abbas
- 29 Aug 2010: Paris Hilton caught with Francium
- 29 Aug 2010: Real American housewives make for TV gold
- 27 Aug 2010: Religious activists complain over nudity in porn films
- 17 Aug 2010: Zsa Zsa Gabor calls in priest for final exorcism
- 16 Aug 2010: Stanley McChrystal gets surprising new gig
- 27 Jul 2010: Mel Gibson at heart of government conspiracy
- 19 Jul 2010: Man wants his name back
- 18 Jul 2010: Mel Gibson, victim or villain?
- 04 Jul 2010: Mel Gibson to decide 'soon' on who to insult next
- 17 Jun 2010: Natalie Merchant inducted into Muzak Hall of Fame
- 10 May 2010: Get these people to host SNL
- 05 Apr 2010: Miami Vice inspired ‘Mecca Vice’ steals Saudi TV top spot
- 24 Dec 2009: Floating Mountains Disappear! Newcomers Arrested!
- 08 Aug 2009: Kirk Cameron warns 1980s entertainers of impending death: "You're next, Michael Gross!"
- 13 Jul 2009: Grim Reaper Karl Malden drops dead
- 08 Jul 2009: Gundam experiences midlife crisis
- 02 Jul 2009: Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden selected as new Grim Reaper
- 29 Jun 2009: Grim Reaper commits suicide after massive week of celebrity deaths
- 25 Jun 2009: McMahon fires Trump, dies
- 06 Jun 2009: Petting Zoos to be converted to abuse-themed "Punching Zoos"
- 12 Jan 2009: Heath Ledger Wins Golden Globe, Thousands of 'Dying To Win' Puns Made
- 01 Dec 2008: X-Factors Diana Vickers is a puppet
- 27 Nov 2008: YouTube changes aspect ratio to 2.35:1, users pissed
People in Sports[edit | edit source]
- 19 Jan 2025: CEO OF THE OHIO STATE WIN SKIBIDI SPORTSBALL CHAMPIONSHIP RIZZ
- 19 Jan 2025: Notre Dame wins college football championship, saves world from brainrot in another univer...
- 19 Jan 2025: Taylor Swift and Hailee Steinfeld set for Celebrity Deathmatch
- 16 Oct 2024: Cleveland Browns beginning to regret relationship with "manly man" Deshaun Watson?
- 05 Feb 2024: NFL allegedly rigs Super Bowl for Chiefs, Taylor Swift
- 26 Nov 2023: UnSports NFL update: 2023 belated mid-season edition
- 04 Dec 2022: Wales Football Fans Forget Words to Their Own National Anthem
- 30 Mar 2022: Albert Pujols to Return to St. Louis Cardinals
- 21 Mar 2022: Cleveland Browns jilt Baker Mayfield for Deshaun Watson, ignoring all red flags
- 31 Oct 2019: UnNews will now only write about sports
- 03 Feb 2018: Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
- 23 Aug 2017: ESPN announcer Robert Lee removed from University of Virginia game, replaced by Ulysses Gr...
- 22 Apr 2017: Scientists complain that they don't understand sports
- 02 Aug 2015: Everyone athletic on drugs
- 06 Feb 2015: Celtic F.C. sign youth player in transfer mix-up
- 12 Dec 2014: Chelsea to become first Premier League club to pay living wage
- 21 Jul 2014: Tour de France 2014 welcomes its share of broken bones
- 04 Apr 2014: Super Bout: McCain vs. Putin – who is ducking who?
- 21 Mar 2014: Steenkamp was burglar
- 05 Jan 2014: England cricket team set to die in plane crash
- 08 Jul 2013: Andy Murray offered English nationality
- 22 May 2013: Black man denies liking fried chicken
- 21 Apr 2013: Luis Suarez's good food guide
- 21 Apr 2013: London runners get through minute's silence in 30 seconds
- 04 Apr 2013: Afghanistan’s favorite sport: Head Polo
- 03 Apr 2013: Di Canio begins reign of fascism
- 06 Mar 2013: Local boy helps team win championship game
- 25 Jan 2013: Net wars over - Badminton surrenders to Tennis
- 20 Jan 2013: Manti Te’o 'does not exist'
- 03 Jan 2013: Mancini-Balotelli bust up featured 'incomprehensible gestures'
- 26 Nov 2012: It's NOT Macho Time, nor will it ever be again
- 24 Nov 2012: Boxer Camacho dead at 50
- 19 Nov 2012: Lance Armstrong endorsed by drugs company
- 11 Oct 2012: Lance Armstrong: My Moped Shame
- 20 Aug 2012: Nyaditski endures mosquitoes in third Amazon swim attempt
- 15 Aug 2012: 300-pound toddler too big to play football
- 09 Aug 2012: Olympics undermine the doping spirit
- 02 Aug 2012: Olympic fever grips entire of Britain, many die
- 22 Jul 2012: Uncharismatic cyclist wins Tour de France in boring fashion
- 08 Apr 2012: Tom Boonen wins Paris-Roubaix cycling race while smoking a cigar
- 14 Mar 2012: Man finally figures out how to brag about table tennis skills
- 09 Jan 2012: Bibowler Girl bowls 900 series
- 09 Aug 2011: Endurance swimmer fails at her life's goal, again
- 18 Jul 2011: Tour de France 2011 filled with controversies
- 13 Jun 2011: Mavericks prove that basketball teams need 5 players
- 01 Jun 2011: Soccer warlord 'not to face trial' in The Hague
- 31 May 2011: Fifa denies bladder in crisis
- 30 May 2011: F.C. Blatter win the FIFA Crony Cup again
- 17 Mar 2011: My bracket is busted
- 04 Mar 2011: Polish President announces week of national mourning
People in General[edit | edit source]
- 01 May 2024: Colombia Protests Exclusion from Eurovision; USA Joins in Support
- 29 Jan 2024: Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
- 14 Nov 2023: Saw X still the only logical candidate for Best Picture
- 06 Jun 2023: Vladimir Putin assassinated by Carrie Mathison
- 25 Oct 2022: City Council Might Not Care
- 02 Aug 2022: Ayman al-Zawahiri loses a "Connect 4" matchup against Joe Biden
- 05 May 2021: Mike Pence turns into a pickle
- 30 Mar 2021: Stan Marsh presents: 2022 FIFA World Cup
- 06 Mar 2021: Turner Classic Movies presents The Happy Coon
- 09 Jan 2021: January 6, 2021
- 11 Dec 2020: English church faces persecution for tequila
- 03 Oct 2020: CDC recommends eating boogers to curb coronavirus
- 25 Sep 2020: Strait Country is Rolling Stone's Gayest Album of All Time
- 09 Aug 2020: Biden selects Strong Woman as running mate
- 30 May 2020: Pink Floyd killed by coronavirus
- 12 Apr 2020: Heaven under coronavirus quarantine
- 05 Apr 2020: Queen's Coronavirus address in full
- 04 Apr 2020: "Starve the Beast", Trump says
- 13 Nov 2019: James Dean named Sexiest Man Dead
- 09 Feb 2019: David Pecker picked a pic of Bezos's pecker
- 31 Oct 2018: New documentary challenges Simpsons aliens
- 03 Sep 2018: Gerry-meandering Mississippi River declared unconstitutional by Supreme Court
- 09 Jul 2018: Chevy Chase, Maryland, to change name to Bill Murray
- 25 Jun 2018: Flat earthers 'do not exist'
- 20 Jun 2018: Fishermen reel in MK15 Nuclear Bomb, plan to hang it on wall
- 02 Mar 2018: Chia bas the 14th letter of the Eglish alphabet
- 05 Jan 2018: Russia meddles in Fox's 'The Four' singing competition
- 24 Oct 2017: This is a window
- 17 Aug 2017: Trump presidency just a dream, George W. Bush still president
- 11 May 2017: Local homophobe creampies QANTAS CEO
- 14 Mar 2017: European Union turns Donald Trump into a walrus
- 01 Feb 2017: Trump nominates new Dr. Who
- 21 Nov 2016: Meet the voice behind Omnitrans
- 24 Jun 2016: Britain is on Fire
- 07 Feb 2016: Link found between watching Super Bowl and concussion
- 19 Dec 2015: Disney merges Star Wars and Christmas
- 31 Jul 2015: Mick Jagger dragged away by wild horses
- 15 Jul 2015: Five cut out and keep comments for your social media life
- 06 Feb 2015: Celtic F.C. sign youth player in transfer mix-up
- 12 Oct 2014: Local grandfather won't just accept alien overlords
- 09 Oct 2014: Wrestlemania 87 commentary LIVE!
- 24 Aug 2014: Lucy movie affects viewers' brains
- 08 Jul 2014: Harris wobbled me against my will - board
- 18 Jun 2014: US thrilled over pleasant execution
- 12 May 2014: The football is over
- 08 Jan 2014: Michael Bay's guide to public speaking
- 01 Dec 2013: Actor Paul Walker, age 40, victim of fiery typecasting accident
- 25 Nov 2013: President pardons furries
- 30 Oct 2013: Martin Luther King's tomb discovered
- 16 Sep 2013: NFL: Washington set to change nickname
- 16 Sep 2013: Thursday is a dirty whore
- 28 Jul 2013: Massage bugs discovered in Uganda
- 21 May 2013: Bale kills Bale in Bale with bale; gets bail
- 08 May 2013: Abducted Ohio girls check MySpace
- 27 Apr 2013: Harry gets Hogwarts letter
- 22 Apr 2013: Syrup thieves caught
- 15 Apr 2013: Interview with Nicolas Maduro
- 08 Apr 2013: Margaret Thatcher tragically dies 30 years too late
- 05 Apr 2013: Was 9/11 an outside job?
- 29 Mar 2013: Police attempt to wash homeless man
- 27 Mar 2013: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer dead at 53
- 25 Mar 2013: Nintendo Puu to be released
- 24 Mar 2013: Bellicose Uzi kills Lebanese gangster’s ex-wife
- 18 Mar 2013: Poor people Occupy St. Peter's Square
- 10 Mar 2013: Editorial: I don't mean to be rude, but please don't do that to my daughter
- 06 Mar 2013: Local boy helps team win championship game
- 26 Feb 2013: Indeed, Quvenzhané Wallis is a cunt
- 08 Feb 2013: "Gay" doesn't mean what Internet thinks it means
- 02 Feb 2013: Bush blames Barney for Iraq war decision
- 11 Jan 2013: Delicious New Zealand bird set for extinction by 2023
- 07 Jan 2013: Canadian women must now wear horns
- 05 Jan 2013: Uncyclopedia moves to UPN
- 05 Jan 2013: Hand transplant man masturbates for first time
- 21 Dec 2012: Elephant beaten to death with grandmother
- 19 Dec 2012: PETA demands the right to bear poop
- 16 Dec 2012: Hark! The Herald Angus Sings
- 11 Dec 2012: Man's nipples fall right off
- 05 Dec 2012: What happened to Italian cocks?
- 14 Oct 2012: Prof sues law school for bias against conservatives
- 07 Oct 2012: 100m Americans watch West Indies win cricket final
- 30 Sep 2012: Afghanistan death toll closing in on 9/11 target
- 26 Sep 2012: Ignorance not bliss, new study finds
- 25 Sep 2012: Abu Hamza 'devastated' over Queen revelation
- 30 Aug 2012: Romney/Ryan to re-institute Negro slavery
- 05 Aug 2012: U.N. warns Syria to halt violence or face further warnings
- 22 Jul 2012: British Tour de France win, in spite of team's last-minute hitch
- 12 Jul 2012: Man with no head swims English Channel
- 22 Jun 2012: Tragic misunderstanding leads to hotel shooting
- 20 Jun 2012: Cannibalism becoming increasingly popular
- 19 Jun 2012: Michigan man accumulates 29 degrees--and still can't land a job!
- 05 Jun 2012: Wind farms are solution to global warming
- 05 Jun 2012: Debate over death penalty raging in Canada
- 02 Jun 2012: Montrealer fed up with strikers dismembers one
- 19 May 2012: Police investigate "bizarre incidents" at Walmart
- 13 May 2012: Junior designer makes her own prom dress
- 11 May 2012: Canada's new phunny munny
- 22 Apr 2012: Our Great Leader Kim Jong-un brings even more prosperity to us glorious North Koreans
- 12 Apr 2012: UnNews editors vote: 'We wanted an iPad 3'
- 09 Apr 2012: Surprise winner of Masters Golf Tournament cries "Ow!"
- 08 Apr 2012: Tom Boonen wins Paris-Roubaix cycling race while smoking a cigar